Аннотация: Небольшая подборочка англоязычных медицинских анекдотов
***
A psychiatrist says to his patient, "So, you say that you're happy to pay your taxes...And when did this start?"
***
Two young physicians rest on a bench in a public park. They see a man walk with an odd gait. His knees are half-bent, his hands are squeezed between his knees.
"Look," one physician says. "A typical case of cerebral paralysis."
"Not at all," the other physician says, "Obvious polyarthritis in an advance stage. I know it for fact, I specialize in arthritis."
The man comes closer, and mumbles, "Hey, fellows, tell me at once, where is here a restroom?"
***
A man comes to a psychiatrist:
"Doctor, I love my horse."
"But it's ok! Most people love their domestic animals."
"No, doctor, I mean that I feel sexual appetency to my horse."
"Well... And what gender is your horse?"
"What, doctor, don't you think I'm pervert?! Of course it's mare!"
***
An old granny sees a doctor and says:
"Doctor, I have a disphoea."
The doctor examines her but can't find any signs of it. He asks:
"But when does it happen?"
"When I run after a train..."
***
A nurse at the hospital asks the female patient with broken-down jaw.
- Name?
- Helen Smith.
- Date of birth?
- 08/ 12/ 1970.
- Married?
- No. Car accident.
***
Phone call to 911:
- Paramedics, come ASAP!!! Now I have very high...
- What? Crime?
-No
-Temperature?
- No, ...
- Chest pain?
- No!...
- Excitability?
- No... Hey, remind me! Ah! ERECTION!
***
Do you smoke?
- Yes, doctor, but it doesn't help
***
A well fixed patient doesn't need anesthesia.
***
In a clinic for artificial insemination of women was opened in which the gender and the selected appearance of the kids were guaranteed. A woman came for treatment. The doctor asked, "Do you want a boy or a girl?"
"A girl."
The doctor nodded and started mixing several liquids in a flask.
"Blond or brunette?"
"Blond."
The doctor added more components to the flask.
"What size of hips? Height? Waist?"
The woman answered, and the doctor mixed in more ingredients.
"Finally, do you want your daughter to look more or less like some of the famous movie stars?"
"Yes, yes. A little like Marilyn Monroe, a little like Liz Taylor...."
"No problem," the doctor said. "Now drink this."
The woman drank the concoction and at once fell asleep on a sofa. The doctor started undressing her. Then he unzipped his pants and said, "They all want Liz Taylor, or Marilyn Monroe. Whatever it will be, that's what it will be."
***
A man walks into a Doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says: "I can't talk, help me!"
The Doctor thinks for a while and says to the man, "Put your penis on the table here."
The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as he says.
The Doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits his penis with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....." and the Doctor says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!"
***
A sick lady comes to the doctor. The doctor says:
- Come in, lady, undress and lie down. Next!
A man comes in.
- Come in, guy. Cool, right? OK, ok, come out, you've taken a look enough. You should enter a medical college, fool!
***
One physician comes to another:
- Why did that old lady come to you?
- She has a cough. I gave a handful of purgative to her.
- Is it helpful?
- Huh! Look at her! She stands holding the wall, afraid of coughing...
***
An injured man is brought to ER. The knife sticks out between his shoulders.
The doctor asks:
"Is it painful?"
The injured:
"Only when I start to laugh."
Having performed tests on a patient, a doctor walked to the waiting room and said to the patient's wife, "Sorry to tell you, madam, I don't like him, I don't like him."
"Doctor, I don't like him either, but he's basically a good man and takes care of the kids."
***
At a medical school, a Professor of Anatomy said to the class, "A physician must possess two important qualities. First, a physician must be not squeamish, and, second, a physician must be observant. Let's check now whether you possess these two qualities. Here is a cadaver. So, look here, I am inserting my finger into the cadaver's anus. Now I'm putting my finger into my mouth. And now every student shall repeat this in a way of test."
One by one, the students approached the bench where the cadaver was resting, inserted fingers into the cadaver's anus, and, with distorted faces, some of them shuddering, obediently placed their fingers into their mouths. When all students finished the test, the Professor said, "Good, you all passed the test in regard to the absence of squeamishness. Unfortunately you forgot about the second necessary quality of a physician. A physician must be observant. None of you noticed that I put into the cadaver's anus my forefinger, but into my mouth my middle finger."
***
A newlywed couple came to a family doctor. The husband said, "Doctor, we're married for a week already, but I still don't know what to do as a husband."
The doctors told the wife to undress and to lie on a sofa. Then he undressed himself and showed the husband what to do.
"Is everything clear?" the doctor said.
"Yes, doctor, " the man said. "Except what shall I do when you're busy?"
***
A retarded girl is brought to a psychiatrist. He examines her:
- What time of year is it now?
- Summer.
- Look - the snow is falling.
- Falling.
- And children are skiing.
- Skiing.
- And the days are short.
- Short.
- So what kind of summer is that?
- It is a shitty summer, doctor.
***
A young couple came to a sexologist.
"Doctor, we're married for a few months already, and we love each other, but we get no pleasure whatsoever from our lovemaking."
"Hmm. Maybe you should try another position. Like this."
The doctor described the new position. The husband said, "Doctor, thank you very much. Would you kindly permit us to try it here?"
"Just go behind that screen and try."
After a while the doctor asked, "So?"
"No pleasure whatsoever, doctor."
"Hmm. Then try one more position."
The couple again went behind the screen. The doctor heard some sounds suggesting that the new position did help indeed. However, when the couple reappeared from behind the screen, they again complained that they had no feelings whatsoever. As to the sounds, they just tried to excite themselves by saying certain words, but it did not help.
"Hmm," the doctor said. "It's a hard case. Let me call your family doctor."
The sexologist dialed the family doctor's number and told about the hard case he was treating.
"Kick them out," the family doctor said. "They just make rounds through all doctors' offices in the city as they live with their parents and do not have a place of their own."
***
A patient complained to a doctor that he wetted his bed every night.
"Before it happens, do you see any dreams?" the doctor said.
"Yes, doctor. Usually a see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, 'Let's pee."
"OK," the doctor said. "Next time you see the demon, say, "No, we've already peed."
Next time the patient came to the doctor, the latter asked, "So? Did you do as I said?
"Yes, I did."
"Did it help?"
"Yes, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse."
"How?"
"As I said 'We've already peed,' the demon nodded and said, 'Then, let's shit a little."
***
A painter was hiered by the administration of a mental hospital. He took his ladder and brushes, and left for work. In a few hours, an ambulance brought him home, all in bandages.
"What happened to you?" his wife said.
"Well, I just put my ladder against the wall, climbed up, and started painting, when one patient approached me and said, "Please, hang on the brush for a minute while I'm borrowing your ladder."
***
A man came to a doctor and complained that he was not able to pee. The doctor took a look and said, "But of course you can't. You've tied your penis into a knot."
"Ah!" the man shouted. "Thank you, doctor; I was breaking my head trying to remember where I tied a knot to remind myself to pay my bills."
***
A man came to a gynecologist"s office. The receptionist said, "Mister, this doctor treats only women's illnesses."
"I know."
"He only receives women."
"But does he put in the IUD's?"
"Yes."
"Then he must also be able to take it off."
***
An old lady sees a doctor and says:
"I'm deaf for the last time."
"Why d'you know?"
"When I fart - I hear nothing. But I could hear it before."
"Take these pills three times a day."
"Will I hear better, doc?"
"No, you'll fart louder."
***
A doctor examines a patient.
"Breathe! Don't breathe! Breathe! Don't breathe! Don't breathe, don't breathe, don't breathe, don't breathe... Take the body out!"
***
In the hospital a nurse comes into a ward to see patients early in the morning .
A patient:
"Well, nurse, it seems to me today you have got up not from that side of a bed..."
"Why have you decided so?"
"You have slippers of the surgeon."
***
A man comes to the doctor and screams:
"What's happened to my eyes?! Something happened to my eyes?!"
The doctor: "Don't worry, you have hemorrhoids."
The man: "What? Hemorrhoids on the face?!
The doctor: "Oh! It isn"t the face, or is it?"
***
In a pharmacy, the salesgirl shouts to a customer who is about to walk out, "Man, man! I am talking to you!"
"What's the matter?"
"Instead of Calcium Chloride, I gave you by mistake Potassium Cyanide."
"So what am I supposed to do?"
"Nothing. Just pay to the cashier one dollar more."
***
An old woman came to a mental hospital to visit with her sick grandson.
As she walked toward the entrance to the ward, a man ran into her who was holding a wooden stick between his legs as if riding astride it. The woman all shrank in fear. The man said, "Take a seat, grandma, on this stick, I'll give you a ride. Just for ten bucks."
The frightened woman paid ten bucks and the man left her in peace.
A few steps closer to the entrance, another man of menacing appearance rushed toward the woman and said, "Grandma, let me cure you. Just ten bucks." The woman paid ten bucks; the man spat on her head and ran away.
The woman went to the supervisor to complain. "What is it?" she said. "Is it a proper order that your lunatics roam the premises without supervision?"
"No, no," the Chief said. "Our psychic patients are all locked safely in. Those were medical students. That's how they moonlight to make some money."
***
A woman enters doctor's office and says to some guys in white aprons:
- I have a big problem! I don't feel anything when I fuck!
- Undress yourself.
After they have balladeer they ask:
- How was it this time?
- Still nothing.
- Hmm, then you have to talk to a doctor!
- And who the hell are you?!!
- We are janitors.
***
There"s a young couple at sexologist"s office.
- Doctor, I don't know how to perform my husband's duty.
The doctor commands the woman to undress herself, and performs the necessary acts. The man asks:
- Ok, doctor, but when you are busy, what should we do?
***
A couple comes to an artificial inoculation clinic.
- You know, doc, we are married for 5 years by but we don't have any children.
The doctor to the woman:
- Show me your vagina.
(She is opening the mouth) - Ahhhhhh.
***
A guy comes to psychiatrist.
- Doctor, am I nuts? Everyone says that. And why? It's just because I like cotton socks!
- You do? But it is OK, I like cotton socks, too!
- Oh really? How do you like them best, with olive or corn oil?
***
A man goes to sexologist for consultation.
- You know, doc, my erection is not as good as it used to be...
- Are you married?
- Yes.
- How often do you do it with your wife?
- I don't let my wife sleep all night long, doctor!
- You have a lover?
- I have two of them. I meet with each of them at least once a week.
- Do you also have some sex at work?
- Oh yes, sure, 5-7 times a week.
- And some random relations?
- Of cause, several times a week.
- Then you must restrict yourself! You're having too much sex!
- Thanks God, doctor, I thought it's because I masturbate too much.
***
- Nurse, can blood be yellow?
- Yes, bother.
- Then I'm bleeding!
***
A man is in a hospital and someone in white shirt walks in.
- Patient, your height?
- 6'4", doctor.
- I'm not a doctor, I'm a coffin maker.
***
An old bag comes to a hospital, opens first door and says to the doc:
- Is an eye doc working today?
- Don't ever say "eye doc"! Yes, our oculist is working today. Third door on the left, near the podiatrist.
- Aha, near the feet doc. And who the heck are you?
- I'm a pussy doc, damn it, a gynecologist.
***
A burial of a dentist. The grave was decorated with a big tooth as the gravestone. One doctor says to another:
- That's cool. But what are they gonna put on the grave of our gynecologist?
***
Surgeon while operating hears a cat meowing under the table.
- Scat!
In 5 minutes again:
- Meow!
- Scram.
In another 5 minutes even louder:
- Meow!
He cuts a big chunk out and throws it under the table:
- Grab that and get the hell out!
***
- Doctor, it's been 5 years since I've been able to have relations with my wife.
- And how old are you?
- 65.
- It's because of your age then...
- And my neighbor who is 75 says he does it every night!