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Life and Adventures of Mark Spencer, the Bravest American Soldier

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  • Аннотация:
    на занятиях по домашнему чтению в книверситете мы читали роман Э.Хэмингуэя "Прощай,оружие!"(A Farewell To Arms) Одним из заданий секции было составить ситуацию/историю/рассказ с применением данной лексики. У меня получился такой вот юмористический цикл.

Life and Adventures of Mark Spencer,

The Bravest American Soldier

Thanks to Ernest Hemingway?

   Story Number One
   The story happened with a young soldier Mark Spencer. Now he's 85 years old and likes to tell this story to his grandchildren.
   He was young then and very proud to be a soldier. He liked to wear his uniform, because he thought he looks very mature and makes an impression of a brave man. Mark Spencer shared a room with his fellow Peter, who was not a courageous soldier and, frankly speaking, he was extremely lazy and counted days till the end of their being in the army. Moreover, he was a strict pacifist.
   One day Mark heard a strange noise. He thought that there was a fighting outside and decided to go and see how things were going. He invited Peter to go with him, but Peter preferred a sweet nap to such kind of an activity, and, furthermore, he was busy getting his needs ready as he went on leave next day.
   So, Mark went out and started walking slowly in the direction of the forest. He heard sounds and saw flashes of artillery, and it seemed to be very exciting to him. There were three people in the woods; two of them were running faster in order to catch the third man. Mark was afraid of being in sight of them, and tried to shelter in the bushes. In a few minutes he, of course, lost sight of them, because they ran away. Mark decided to follow them. He checked his rifles, and they were in very good condition. He went out of the bushes, made several steps and saw three men fighting not far from him. Mark ran up to them and shouted, "Stop fighting immediately!" But the men paid no attention to him. Then Mark took out his gun and pulled the trigger. Of course, he aimed his gun at the nearest tree, not at one of the men. The men looked at him. They stood with their eyes wide open.
   "Why are you trying to capture this guy?" asked Mark.
   "A-ha! You're one of those, who tried to rob the farm! We know that you tried to kill the farmer and his wife!" one of the men shouted.
   "Are you crazy?" asked Mark. He suddenly realized that he became involved in a horrible story.
   "Yes, that's my fellow Benny!" shouted the criminal.
   "What?!" Mark exclaimed passionately and tried to protest, but in a few seconds he was liable to arrest, and the real criminal escaped.
   But this story had a happy end. The real criminal was found and taken to prison, and Mark Spencer stayed in the army and soon became a lieutenant.
  
   Lieutenant Mark Spencer
   The adventures of Mark Spencer didn't come to an end, you know. As soon as he became a lieutenant, he started to behave in a different way. He became very proud of himself being a lieutenant, and he thought that everybody can identify him by his gait, carriage and uniform. Of course, he wished to become a major soon. He thought that to become a major he should be wise, smart and intelligent, he should keep up with the time and, above all, he should be a hero.
   Every day Mark Spencer tried to do something important to be noticed, but his fellows didn't like it and started to ignore him. They were really angry with him. Mark began to feel lonely and hollow. He started to think over his problems, and he did it 24 hours, every minute, without eating and sleeping.
   Once, when he was thinking about his poor life, he hardly ran over his former schoolmate George on a junction of the road, as he was driving his car. Mark jumped out of his car and couldn't believe his eyes. He hadn't seen George for ages!
   George was on his way home, so Mark decided to pick him up. He told George about his meditations. George felt real sympathy to his former classmate Mark Spencer. Maybe only he knew that Mark had dreamed of becoming a major since the primary school.
   George suggested doing a really extraordinary thing. Mark must climb up the highest mountain of the range himself, and so he'll become a national hero. Everybody should notice it. Mark's face will be on the headlines of the papers, his name will be pronounced everywhere and after all that he'll surely be rewarded by a new, higher rank. So, it was settled.
   Mark packed his needs, and started for the nearest range of mountains. He was full of courage and will to be a hero. He climbed and climbed for several hours but he was not, of course, a professional alpinist. He didn't climb even 300 meters, though he thought he climbed the whole day. As a result, he fell off the mountain. Fortunately, he didn't break his neck, but had a terrible injure.
   Next day his army-mates noticed that he was walking with a limp. Mark said nothing to them, but he felt worse and worse. In the evening he fainted. Two soldiers took hold of him by the arms and took to the doctor. The doctor examined Mark and said that his leg was terribly injured and he had lost a lot of blood. The doctor decided to put dressing on Mark's poor leg. While the doctor was bandaging him, Mark thought that he had been incurred in the line of duty, and must be rewarded. But that time he didn't become a major then.
   Mark Spencer's Wife
   Telling the story about Mark Spencer, I can't help saying a few words about his wife, Sally Spencer. She was a kind of woman, who didn't actually hate all the men in the world, but just wanted to turn them all into slaves. She was a daughter of a military man, and her mother was a nurse in a field hospital during the World War I. So, there was always atmosphere of strict order and obedience in her family.
   Since her early childhood Sally wanted to marry a military man, but not to be always defended. She wanted to show her husband his place, and make him do as she told. It was some kind of a revenge for her childhood, when her father didn't let her anything. She wanted her husband to run errands for her and to do heroic acts for her, and get gold and silver, and she'll be at home living like a queen.
   She met Mark when she was about 18. She thought at first that he was a shy and awkward guy and he couldn't be a brave soldier, so she was always making fun of him. But he really fell in love with her at once. Everything turned over inside of him when he saw her. Tall, slim, with long blonde hair and big green eyes - she looked like a princess, and couldn't be an officer's daughter. He was really affectionate to her, but he was so nervous near her, that it looked like he was hit by a lightning.
   On their very first date he wore different shoes - one black and one brown, and he was in his shirt sleeves, and his flowers looked like they were badly wounded. He explained to her that the major didn't want to let him go, and he had to plead him. Finally, when the major was persuaded, Mark was in so hurry and so nervous, that he couldn't even dress properly. Sally laughed at him. But time passed, and she became to think of him as a nice, intelligent and well-bred young man. Well, he really was shy, but the army has changed him. She began to think that she herself was a fool that she wanted to declare war on him in order to turn him into a slave. She realized that she began to miss him when he was away for too long.
   Onу day, after his long absence, they decided to meet in a cafИ, and she couldn't keep calm and said,
   "I want to make a proposal myself right away."
   So, she herself asked mark to marry her. Mark was crazy in his happiness, and gave a positive answer. Now, they've been married for 60 years and they have 5 children and 10 grandchildren.
   So, Mark had made the most important heroic act in his life - he made Sally really fall in love with him and forget about her silly principles.
   Story Number Four
   As I already mentioned, our brave soldier Mark Spencer always wanted to be a hero. He was quite conceited to think that his skills and burning desire to be a great hero should be appreciated. Only his wife Sally believed in his bravery and was anxious to help him in any way. She thought Mark needed to be promoted.
   Once Mark was sent to a very dangerous place during the World War 2. His wife was afraid that Mark will never come back but she hoped they will not be apart for too long, and he'll come back a brave major. She gave him her silver cross for luck. To tell the truth, Mark was not afraid of being killed, but he loved his wife to death and was jealous of her, so he suffered from strong feelings of love, jealousy and desire to be a hero in his heart. It was painful for him to leave his pretty wife, but he had to do it. He told one of the soldiers to look after his wife, and phone him every day.
   One day, when Mark was on his mission, he got a call. He was told that every day a man in a strange uniform came to his wife. Mark was furious and decided to get back home immediately to punish both his wife and that bastard.
   As he got back home, he asked his neighbour to loan him a gun. Early in the morning he saw a tall man in blue uniform entering the house. Sally greeted him cheerfully. Mark crept inside the house and heard voices in the kitchen. Mark thought that they were having a romantic dinner, and became even more furious. He stepped inside the kitchen with a gun, and his forefinger on the trigger. He thought he had just captured two criminals, but he failed. He slipped on the floor and fell down. He looked up and realized that the man in blue uniform was a milkman, and he brought milk to all the women in the district.
   After that incident Mark broke his leg and wounded his head. He was on crutches for a long time and needed attendance. By the way, he still didn't become a major.
   Story Number Five
   Once, when America got into the war with Vietnam, Mark got a letter from the Big Land. It was the letter from his wife's father and it contained only few words: "You must come to Arizona immediately". Mark understood at once that something had happened with Sally, there was no doubt about it. But he could not understand whether something good or bad had happened.
   To get back home to his sweet Arizona without any problems, Mark made up a document that he was on convalescent leave for a week. He changed his clothes into civil and in two days he was at home. He promised to his mates that he would keep track of the events in the front and they wouldn't win a victory without Mark's personal participation.
   "Don't exaggerate your abilities, Lieutenant Spencer," Major Brown told him. "And get back as soon as possible, or I'll tell General that you tried to escape the front."
   Mark promised that he'd get back in a week, and left. Mark was very nervous and bit his nails as he was reaching the house. His father-in-law met him in the corridor and seemed to be rather hostile. Mark greeted him quite cheerfully, but George Liebermann grabbed his hand and said,
   "Throw your needs and come with me. I have something to show you. It's a question of life and death!"
   Mark was shaking with terror. He was a little bit afraid of his father-in-law, strong, powerful and strict general of US Navy.
   George took him to hospital. They went through several corridors anв then turned out to be in a crowded hall.
   "I saved you a place," said Mr. Liebermann, pointing at the low chair. Mark sat down keeping on shaking with horror. His father-in-law went out, then returned in five minutes and motioned Mark to come with him. They entered a small ward and Mark noticed his wife lying on the bed with a baby in her hands. She was smiling. Mr. Liebermann said:
   "Look, it's my granddaughter."
   "Oh, my God! Thank you, Sally! She's so nice!" Mark exclaimed, but Mr. Liebermann seized his hand and looked straight into his eyes.
   "Look, son, it's the third daughter already," he said sharply. "And where are the sons? I ask you, why there're no sons among your children?!"
   "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but... I promise we'll work on it." Mark murmured. Anyway, he was extremely happy.
   Story Number Six
   To tell the truth, Mark was a little bit discouraged by the order given to him by his father-in-law, as he himself thought that now they were through with the children, and he could concentrate on his military career. In his deep blue dreams he imagined how he would rescue someone and everyone would say "Mark Spencer is a hero!" and he would earn glory and respect. And when he gets older, he would probably train an army, his own troop, and each soldier would be proud to be trained by General Spencer.
   He tried to explain this to his father-in-law, but Mr. Liebermann just giggled and said,
   "General Spencer? Oh, you'll get over it, son."
   Mark was terribly offended and greatly depressed by those words. His wife sally just stroked his head with her hand, but said nothing, as she had a lot to do and all her attention was paid to her children, so she didn't really care about her husband. And Mark felt himself as a martyr.
   He left home and got back to the front. He thought, "Now, you tried to get rid of me, so get what you wanted." A selfish way of thinking, isn't it? He didn't know what his wife decided to do.
   In a week he received a strange parcel. There was a photo of his wife and daughters in wooden frame, wrapped in paper, and a letter. He looked through it swiftly, and it ran:
   "Dear Mark,
   I know how difficult it is in the front and it's not a place for a woman. But I'd like to remind you of our promise to my father. We promised to present him a grandson and you told him we'd work on it. So, I decided to come to you. I'll work as a nurse and we'll live together in a camp. My sister will look after our daughters. I described her in details how to feed and wash them. Don't worry, I'll be here on Wednesday.
   Yours,
   Sally."
   Mark looked on the calendar on the wall.
   "Oh, my God! Today's Tuesday!" he exclaimed.
   Story Number Seven
   One day Mark Spencer was on his way back to the place of dislocation of their platoon to have his dinner and give some new orders to fresh soldiers. He was in a very good mood and thought over what kind of food would offer their canteen this time. Anyway, it would, of course, taste very good, as they had good cooks. Suddenly he saw a man with a huge pack in his hands, trying to stop a car. Mark was a very kind man, and decided that he had enough time to give this man a ride.
   He stopped beside the man and motioned him to get in. The man jumped into the car. Mark thought that he looked stiffly, and seemed to take no notice of what was going on.
   "What's your name?" asked Mark.
   The man gave him a swift look and said, "My name is Bob."
   "What's in your pack, Bob? Why are you so nervous" Mark tried to scrutinize Bob's pack, but Bob held it very close to his body.
   "Household goods," Bob answered.
   Mark began to worry. Bob's small running eyes filled him with suspicion. Bob was looking attentively on the road, turning his head back from time to time.
   "Don't go this way, or we'll get stuck," Bob said. Mark obeyed, but he didn't stop worrying. Suddenly he noticed two police cars behind them. He understood that he again became engaged in some dirty case with a criminal.
   "Damned cops!" Bob exclaimed. "Try to go faster!"
   "I can't!" Mark said.
   Then Bob took out a gun and said firmly,
   "Go faster, man, or I'll kill you."
   Mark tried to move faster, but he realized that if he couldn't get rid of that man, he would become a prisoner too.
   Mark wasn't fond of extreme driving, but he had to make some kind of a maneuver. He stopped, than turned over, opened the door where Bob was sitting and pulled him out, so Bob was deserted on the road. Then Mark hurried up to get out from that place. He was scared to death.
   Later, he found out from the paper that Bob Brown, a famous robber, was taken prisoner and after the sentence was read, he said that if one stupid soldier didn't kick him out, he would have become a rich man, as he had always dreamed.
   Mark Spencer's Son
   Mark Spencer was a very brave soldier and also a very obedient husband. He kept his promise of working on making a son for his own happiness and his father's-in-law pleasure. So, one cold winter morning Mark's first son was born, for his father's-in-law relief.
   "Good job, son," Mr. Liebermann said to Mark. "Now, you may get back to your platoon."
   Mark was surprised. He wanted to stay at home for some time and help sally to take after their son. But his father-in-law thought in another way. It occurred to him that only a grandfather could bring up a little boy and make him a real man.
   "Get back!" he roared. "Or I'll decide that you want to desert from the army, son! Don't worry, I'll be on guard, and when you come, you won't recognize your boy."
   That was the thing Mark was afraid of most of all. Deeply in his soul Mark wanted to explain to his father-in-law that he had nothing to do with Mark's family business and he, Mark, should bring up his kid. But dare to say that, and you'll be denounced for disobedience and impertinence and you'll have to get out from home and ask your nearest neighbours to take you in.
   He held tight to his son's little hand as he did it for the last time and left. He tried to keep calm and thought that he did it only for convenience, and it'd be better or his son and he'd be alright. It wasn't suspicious, it was quite expectable.
   Still, the childhood of Jamie Spencer couldn't be called luxurious. Jamie had to do morning and evening exercises every day from the age of 5, learn how to rebuild and build machine-guns from the age of 7, and every time he tried to play truant, he was to stand in the corner on his knees.
   The First Family Leave
   "Oh, you know Mark, civilian clothes are so becoming you!" Sally said straightening his bright stripy tie. Mark's face expressed discouragement.
   "Oh, really? Hmm... Suppose, you flatter me," he gave a faint smile.
   "Oh, nonsense! At any rate, darling, you sometimes have to change clothes. I mean, uniform. Just to bring a wide variety," said sally matter-of-factly.
   "I'm sick of your uniform, dad," the eldest daughter Mary gave a tart remark.
   "But still, you look very handsome!" Sally assured him. "You look like a contemporary young man, really fashionable."
   It was the first time Mark went on leave with his family, except his youngest children - Judy and Jamie. They were going to Sicily. Sally was looking forward to get perfect suntan, Mary - to practice her Italian, Molly - to meet some new friends, and Mark - to get back home as soon as possible. In fact, he felt deep regret that he agreed with the idea of going together somewhere abroad. Thank heavens, Sally left juniors at home with grandma and grandpa, or they would have disturbed them.
   In the airport Mark was terribly nervous. Two girls kept on chattering, though mark told them to be quiet. Molly and Mary have never been to such place as a big airport, so they wanted to see everything and check each button and whatever. So, mark was afraid that they'd get lost somewhere near the custom house.
   Frankly speaking, mark was afraid of everything. He was afraid of friendly Italians, asking where they came from, and he thought that all of them were gangsters and belonged to Sicily mafia. He was afraid that Molly and Mary would get drowned or lost, so he'd have to report to the police about their escape, and he didn't trust Italian police, as they belonged to mafia too. So, Molly and Mary stayed at the hotel practically all the time.
   When they got back home, Mark gave a sigh of relief. And Molly said,
   "You're an unbearable father! I'll never go anywhere with you!"
   Jamie Spencer
   Everyone thought that little Jamie Spencer really took after his father. Even at first glance one could easily notice strong likeness: straight nose, plump lips, round, moon-shaped face, emerald green eyes...
   When 6-year-old Jamie was asked "Who would you like to be when you grow up?" he always answered,
   "A lieutenant. Like dad."
   But then he added,
   "No. General. Like granddad."
   Mr. Liebermann thought that he bought Jamie up in the right way, as he wished Jamie to become a real man.
   "The road to hell is paved by good intentions," mark once said. And was somehow right.
   "I'll do anything on account of my little grandson," Mark's father-in-law always liked to repeat. Anyway, Jamie didn't like it, but he acted and behaved like Mr. Liebermann, maybe not wishing it.
   Once, during a quiet family evening something disastrous happened. Mark was talking on the phone with his mate about their military business. Sally poured herself some coffee, Jamie ate a chocolate bar, while his sisters were contended with caramel sweets, and Mr. Liebermann was getting up and down, in and out, muttering to himself and was a bore to everyone.
   "I do not want to offend anyone," he said finally. "But I need to phone to my friend! We're going to a golf club on Sunday and we need to make an appointment. You know how precise I am!" he roared.
   Mark paid no attention, as he got used to his father's-in-law voice. Sally decided to leave the battle field.
   "Girls, let's go and clear away the dining table," she said.
   Mr. Liebermann went angry. He grinned than shouted into Mark's ear,
   "Hang up! Or I'll burn the phone together with you, son!!! Just to prevent communication!"
   Mark kept on talking. Then little Jamie crawled under the table with big scissor and cut the wires. The fire started. Luckily, sally was doing washing-up, and she came with a bowlful of water, and managed to prevent big fire. Mark punished Jamie - took out the chocolate bar and told him to stand in the corner for an hour.
   After that, Jamie came up to his grandpa and said,
   "It's because of you! Dad did it because of you! I was punished because of you!"
   Mr. Liebermann went all to pieces.
   The Act of Life
   As we all know, Mark Spencer always wanted to do some heroic act in his life, in order to earn glory and respect. But he didn't even know that his heroic act will not be connected with his military job, but it will be the act of his life.
   Sally was already about 40 when she knew that she was again pregnant, for the fifth time. When she said to mark about that, he nearly fainted and was for a little while unconscious.
   "Oh my God, Sally!" Mark finally moaned. "Aren't you afraid?"
   "No!" Sally was very happy. "When I was a little girl I dreamed of having 5 children!"
   "Promise me, darling, that it will be the last child," Mark pleaded.
   "Well, it depends on you, Mark," Sally gave a smile.
   Mark was afraid that Sally will die in childbirth. He once heard that it was too difficult to give birth to a child after 35. He prayed for Sally every night and asked God to save her and the baby's life.
   One night Sally woke up and said that she had severe pains, and she couldn't stand it and she was losing her strength. Mark understood that his wife's life is now in his arms. He told Molly and Mary to bring some cold water and a piece of cloth to put it on Sally's forehead. And he himself called up the doctor, as Sally said that she couldn't move.
   "Breathe in, Sally... breathe out... breathe deeply," he said to her.
   Then he heard someone knocking on the door and went outside.
   Mark did everything the doctor told him to do. He sat near Sally and held her hand and was comforting her. Then the doctor told him to go out for a while.
   "Mr. Spencer, you've done all. I'll manage myself. Go and comfort your children," the doctor said.
   For some time mark was walking nervously to and fro about the room. Then Jamie brought a paper for him to read. Then he folded the paper and came up to the room. He quietly turned the handle and peeped inside. Then he heard the baby crying. The doctor motioned him to come in.
   "Congratulations, Mr. Spencer. You have a brave wife and now you have a good healthy son!"
   Sally laid on the bed smiling. She needed some relaxation.
   "You are a real hero, Mr. Spencer. You love your wife so much. Hope, she's very proud of you," the doctor said.
  
   September - December, 2006.
   ЏK. Frischmann
  
   ? Автора вдохновил на сочинение этих историй роман Э.Хэмингуэя "Прощай, оружие!". Никакой гнусной сатиры или иронии при этом не подразумевалось.
  
  
  
  
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