"Love means not looking at each other, but looking at the same destination"
Antoine de Saint-Ecsouperit
***
CHAPTER ONE. THE MIDNIGHT DATE.
"It was about half past two after midnight, late and gloom hour, when I finally saw her again, at second time per that day. She was dressed in black and looked like invincible night shadow without flesh, flying through the dark space. I swear I"ve never seen nobody as beautiful as she was: neither in Bucharest, nor here, in Soroca: Awa was a miracle, magical... but at that night, as everytime I met her earlier, she rushed away faster, than the wind, and, of course, didn"t pay even the slight sign of attention on me... she didn"t even notice the flash of my apparate, and didn"t learn I"ve already made another one her photography... now there"s nothing else I can do, but silently come back home and prick her picture to other thirteen I"m keeping on the walls of my room. I"ll turn on the light and will be looking at her black-and-white moveless face, glass eyes, until I fall asleep with the only one desire - to meet her tomorrow againb, though at once per whole the long day... I know where does she leave so lately almost every night, but I was keeping it in secret from her parents, while she was forgetting about their love and care to her... all of these things just don"t exist and aguess didn"t ever exist for her. And so tonight again she is rushing away from home to her... her beloved one, but to tell it, to pronounce this word is madly cruel and painfull for me... I almost don"t know anything about him: just that his name is Vivian, he"s about twenty years old and that he ran away from home a long ago, probably, just because his parents were very poor and unhappy... I forbide myself to think that he"s not worth of Awa and not a couple for her only because she"s unimaginably rich and he"s not - no, it"s not right... I only suppose... I"m almost sure, that their relationships aren"t really sincere... it just can"t be sincere at all - they do belong to different, opposite worlds... and everytime I see Awa leaving to him, I"m all drowning not in the jealousy, but in the fear, because I"m really scared for her destiny... sometimes I feel like I must immediately go to domnul and doamna Caraus and tell them both everything I"ve already learned about theit only daughter and her unknow fiance... but just imagining, how terribly it would hurt Awa - like the sharp knife in the very heart - I lose all my strength and keep on movelessly standing at the same place, doing nothing... I love her so much, that I can"t even decide, what I have to do and what will be the best for her future... still don"t have any slight ideas..."
***
Tonight they, given to each other the promise, met here, in the very heart of mystical city Soroca, the gipsy capital of Moldova. It was a deep night, colored in the dark-blue and breathed by the enjoyable after summer dayheat freshness. The silver moonlight was shining in the waves of the silent clear river, holding the small stone square in the narrow ring, reflecting the far cold stars, like the huge mirror from the old forgotten fairy-tales. The silence seemed to be unlimited, absolute, like the silence of whole the Universe, buried under the ash after Apocalypse and the proud dirty speeches of Antichrist.
- I have come, - hardly breathing after the long run, whispered Awa, standing on the dark stone bridge and taking an excited look around the sleeping square. - I was so much in a hurry, wishing not to be late even for the only minute... and I know you are now here too... I was thinking about our date whole the day...
- Whole the eternity, - answered her a silent, magnetic and almost hypnotising voice, sounded so suddenly right behind Awa"s back. Quickly turned around, a girl finally saw him, realizing her wish has been coming true, saw his tall slender figure, seemed to be created from the dark air, embraced her shoulders. A weak golden light fell down on his pale thin face: Vivian was smiling.
- I"m so happy to see you, - said Awa, strocking his deadly-white cold skin and black wavy hair. - Today I had the mad feeling that you are my only reason to live... and to stay in this city... in this flesh.
He looked straightly at her beautiful, almost childish, face, at her huge green eyes and stayed silent for a whgile, telling her nothing; he seemed to be missing her so much that now he wanted only to enjoy her indian beauty, sinful and innocent at the same time.
- I"m so happy to see you too, Awa, - finally pronounced he. - But I still have this tormenting thought that I must tell you... order you to go back home to your parents, if I really love you and care about your future...
There was something like the flash of storm lightning in her sight; Awa made a deep breath, trying to calm down, but when she started to speak again, her voice was shivering because of almost uncontrolable mindless rage:
- N-no... you"re doing everything as it all must have been done, Vivian... because he who really loves me and cares about me must know I"ve never done things making me feeling regrets or sorrow... and must believe also, that I"m not a speechless child, I"m not living in the pink paradise behind the clouds, too faraway from the land... I do what I do and mean what I mean... you should never think you"re stealing me from family... even though I"ll be thankful to you for it... but it was my own decision: I made it three months ago, when I saw you at the very first time... and I"m happy that I could make this decision... do you know, how I always feel, thinking about that moment? I feel like I"ve been set free and blessed. By the Real God.
- And do you, - silently and like feeling ashame, asked a boy, - feel happy?
- Yes, - surely answered Awa. - Because feeling of freedom and blessing can"t not to make me happy.
- But later, Awa? What will happen later? And how long everything could be? Do you think of eternity?
- I don"t care, what will happen later or how long everything could be... I"m thinking about eternity, but happiness isn"t eternity: it"s the only moment, - a girl was speaking bravely and sincerely, like if she wanted to gift a small parrt of her pure mental strength to Vivian, holding her hands like if he who was drowning would be holding the soil above the water. - And you shouldn"t think another way: if happiness would long forever, then losing of it would mean you have been doomed... it"s a second, but worth fighting whole the life for. Do you believe me?
- Yes, - answered a boy immediately, not wasting any moment for thinking. - I do believe you...
She finally slightly smiled and kissed him. Embracing each other"s bodies, they keep on standing at the highest point of the bridge, above the sleeping city, and listening each other"s breath. The mortal enemy - time - seemed finally to be stopped forever... until the moment when Vivian, still trying to find a sanctuary from his fears and own thoughts, still caught in it"s prison, like the butterfly in spider"s nets, silently asked, trying to look anywhere else but not at Awa"s eyes:
- I know it always hurts you, darling... but... anyway... could you please... tell me something about your family?... I need to know it...
- No! - suddenly screamed Awa and did furiously hit the stone fence by both burning palms.
- Why not? - asked Vivian with a weak broken voice. - Can you explain me? I worry so much about you... I must know if they bring you the pain... if they make you crying... I want to protect you... what would happen if...
- Forget about it! - Awa rudely broke his speech and squeezed the cold stone until the pain didn"t hurt her fingers. - Never do care about what would happen if!... this is the way to destruction... you have already protected yourself, now let me do the same. You know I have to do it only on my own, and nobody has the right to help me. I must fight alone, otherwise I"ll lose. I just believe... someday there will be a moment, when I"ll need to take my sword and to cut the things I need out from the things that stop and bother me... because I"m not like them... you must know this feeling, mustn"t you? You must understand me...
- I do, - prooved Vivian. - I really do. I felt exactly the same when I left my family seven years ago... my home was a hell... no! Much worse, than a hell! Everyday started and finished exactly the same, without any difference for all the years... it seemed to be a curse... drunk voices, dirty rude conversations, sencelessly cruel faces and that terrible smell of cheap drinks, making me feeling sick even nowadays, when it"s all been already left faraway, in the previous reality... no, nothing could be left in the past totally, and that"s what always scares me so much...
- You only need to make the last step, but already don"t have a strength even for half of the step - that"s how it feels like? - said Awa strangely, asking and proving at the same.
- Right, - nodded Vivian and sadly smiled to her. - My mother was sick. She didn"t even understand what she does or what she says, and what for... she was half-alive and half-dead, like a zombie... my father and two my elder brothers have ever enjoyed only two things in their life: drinking cheap vodka and kicking me... it was the their favorite thing to do every evening. They did it everytime they saw me at the streets or at home - no matter where. I felt like I was damned and lived in the endless fear in front of them, because I was so weak, so younbg and still knew how to control myself, still wanted to grow up in a human, not in the animal, and they... they were real monsters... I"m still surprised why they haven"t killed me before I ranaway... it"s just a miracle that I"m still alive... I know that, thank God, nothing of similar has ever happened with you in these sixteen years of your life... but it doesn"t mean that you can"t understand me.
- In contrary, - said Awa. - My life always was the mirror reflection of yours... and so I do really understand you.
- Mirror reflection, - thoughtfully repeated Vivian. - I almost can"t imagine what you are talking about... and I wanna learn everything about you.
- I know what you mean, - finally said Awa after a long pause, looking straight at his hazel deep eyes, like if she wanted to see his flesh and his soul from the inside. - All right. If I could give you a peace, I may tell you about it... something...
- Awa, please...
- No! - refused a girl. - If you"ve already made a first step, you have to follow this path till the very end. So now let me talk... I beg you... I"m tired to keep it all inside of myself...
She made one more deep loud breath, enjoyable and so needed because of sweet fresh air and the smell of water, and started her slow nervous speech:
- My father has a good old friend, his ex-fellow student. His name is Andre Tedescu. He lives in Romania, in Bucharest... his only son Marian has just come to our city to help to my father with the work on his firm. Can you imagine now, what are all these people going to do after he"ll come back abroad? Of course, it is so clear, so easily... old friends always wanna their children to get married one day!...
- What?! - unexpectedly shouted Vivian. - N-no... that"s foolish... this is too serious decision to make it this way... your destiny depends on it... they can"t force you to become his wife only because his father is your family"s friend... this is non-sence, and they just have no right to do it!...
- If he is my family"s friend, than I"m not a member of this family! - Awa was so furious and so disappointed at the same time, that she nearly cried, and the speech seemed to turn into the hard torment for her, but, in spite of all the pain, she continued her story again:
- They"re gonna do it not only because he"s my father"s best friend"s only son... but also because he"s very rich, talented, has a great education and all the chances for supernatural future... because he lives faraway from this place, in this damned beautiful Bucharest everyone here is dreaming about since the very birth... they don"t understand that I don"t need his money... not the only coin... never did need it... what for? Do you know, where did I spend my childhood? Faraway from here, in the small southern village, with my grandmother, in her poor small house, cosy and warm, which I considered to be my real home. My father locked his own mom there, when he understood he didn"t need her anymore... he left her in that forgotten place without money, without everything, even a small sign of son"s attention, like if she"s never been his mother... and me... neither father, nor mother have ever needed me, and so I was sent to that small village too... to grandmother and her great old books, that she took from the library she was working in whole the life... much more than books she did ever love only me, and she presented me this love to reading since the first days we spent together... there were real books, about real feelings, real truth and real justice, without any insincerity and any mistake... they thought I will hate it all... but I loved my grandmother, loved her house, her library, and really hated only Soroca and my parents... I hoped I will never see them once again, but it was impossible, now I realize it... my grandmother died when I was eleven... and so parents needed to take me back in their house at this city... for some years... until they find another place to lock me in again.
The sparking under the moonsilver tears feel down from her black eye-lashes, but girl quickly threw it away by the palms, like if she didn"t want Vivian to see her crying... and he was just movelessly standing behind her back, embracing her and helplessly trying to find the correct words to support her and bring her a slight shadow of peace.
- I know what they"re gonna do tomorrow, - said Awa, fighting with the tears. - We will have to meet next morning, Vivian... to have a car trip around Soroca together... and during this trip they will offer me to spend summer holidays at Tedescu"s place in Bucharest... and I... I will never agree for it. I will never do it!... not even under the guns... I don"t know when this car trip will begin... but I"ll try to disappear before this time will come...
- So where will you go?
- I don"t care. Anywhere. Only further as much as possible from them, it"s the only thing that has meaning now.
- If you want, I can meet you somewhere... wherever you ask...
- Thank you, - she smiled, but her voice and the sight of her eyes were both full of bitter sadness. - But it could be very dangerous...
- Dangerous for you?
- Not for me, but for you!... my father has his influence in this city... you may get in a horrible troubles because of his stupid orders and his sold-and-bought servants... I don't want anything bad happen with you again...
- I don"t care about it! How could I care about things, that may happen with me, when you need a help?
- I know you"ll say it. You are brave.
Awa smiled again and carefully kissed him.
- If you agree to wait for me in your house... this is the safest place in whole the city: no one from then knows, where to look it for.
- As you wish, Awa... I"ll be waiting for you there as long as you want me to.
- Thank you once again. For everything you are doing for me.
He peacefully embraced her slender body and silently whispered:
- I love you...
- I love you too, - answered Awa, and the fires of unlimited sincere happiness, like in the very beginning of their midnight date, brightly shone in her huge eyes: she seemed to be forgotten about everything surrounding her, like if she and Vivian were the last alive people, lost somewhere in the empty Universe. This illusion has been absolute for whole the moment.
- It"s too late now, - pronounced Awa thoughtfully. - I must leave back home... don"t want them to notice I was absent and to stop our datings here because of it...
- Yes, - also in a strange tone answered Vivian. - It"s already too late. We need... to leave each other... right now...
- But only for a few hours, Vivian. We will meet tomorrow, I promise...
- I promise you the same - to find you anywhere they"ll take you... it won"t be impossible for me.
He made a tormenting small pause and silently, looking down in the ground, added:
- I"m really sorry that I forced you to speak about it all tonight... it hurts you so much... I had no right...
- Yes, it hurts, - proved Awa. - But I really did need this conversation. If I would hide all the sorrow always deep inside, sooner or later my heart would be broken in a small pieces, like the glass. You just saved me again tonight, Vivian... thank you so much.
They gifted each other the last tender kiss and, wishing goodnight and the sweetest dreams, slowly did leave, walking further and further away in opposite destinations. They didn"t take their eyes out of each other, until the shadows of their bodies didn"t turn into small, almost invisuable, points, and then disappear at all in the darkness.
CHAPTER TWO. AWA AND VIVIAN.
"It was only seven hours, when domnul Caraus suddenly called me and asked about a meeting in the city park. He only said it was very urgently and that I should deny this offer. I tried to explain him that it was too early hour for the car trip around Soroca he told me a few days ago, that I planned to pack my luggage and to get completely ready for my route back to Romania, but he only answered that he would be very pleased to give me a lift to the railway station and finished our conversation. So I had no choise and started to get ready for that trip with Caraus family. I know I must have been really questioned about all that sudden urgency, but the only one thought about the unexpected meeting with Awa momently destroyed each of my doubts. I could only happily thank the destiny for this lucky chance to see her face, to hear her voice, to take her hand... damned, I didn"t even imagine, how angry and frustrated she was, when parents told her about this car trip with Marian Tedescu... yes, if they only were going to let her know it...
***
So far I met domnul and doamna Caraus on the cold, grey and dark because of rain street in the center of Soroca - to be honest in front of myself, for these six months I spent here I really hated this place... it was the only place in whole the city, where I met Awa, and everytime there was raining and gloomy, like on the graveyard, everytime she was sad and only silently, thinking about someone else, watching at the same static point movelessly, like a wax doll. Domnul Caraus greeted me and invited to sit in his car to hide from the cold rain. Taking the place, I only noticed doamna Caraus in the comfortable car salone: she insincerely smiled and wished me a good morning with her unpleasant loud and high voice.
- Good morning, doamna Caraus, - answered I indifferently. - You look so wonderfully today.
She nodded, like if she really wanted me to leave her alone as soon as possible, and I saw absolutely clear the nasty expression of contempt and rage on her sharp, covered by the cosmetics like by the horrible mask, rat face.
- I"m sorry, - continued I, feeling that I can"t pretend any more, - but your husband said that Awa will accompany us in this trip... so where is she now?
- I got that nasty suspection, - answered domnul Caraus, taking a cigarette, which smell, as I remembered, immediately made Awa feeling sick, exactly like the toxic poison... and the car trips too, - that she"s hiding something from us. She told us that young boy is her classmate, and he"s only here to proclaime her the results of her last exam at school...
His unpleasant tone of the speech did really bother me, and made feeling more and more angry with every second, even though I have already started to understand, that domnul Caraus"s suspections haven"t been false at all. I looked at the street through the covered by dirty raindrops glass and saw two lonely figures at the far corner of strada de Drum Vinului - there were young boy and a girl. They were holding each other"s hands and looking both straightly at the eyes, like if they could easily understand each other without any word. I quickly recognized Vivian in that boy and felt a freaky jealousy - it was absolutely sure that I really will open Awa"s secret to her family... but hopefully at the very last moment I found the strength not to betray and not to hurt my beloved girl.
- And so why? - simply asked I. - You don"t believe to yout own daughter, domnul Caraus? Don"t believe she really only met her classmate?
- I only worry about her, - doamna Caraus hurried to answer, while her husband still has been speechless and hypnotisingly stared at the young couple at the far corner of the street, - because Awa is only sixteen years old and still can"t protect herself from the dirty people and huge mistakes...
- Huge mistakes can be made at the any age, dear, - coldly noticed domnul Caraus. - But if our daughter will break my trust and though at once will tell me a lie... she"ll be very sorry that somehow, somewhen, decided to do this nasty thing. I can swear...
I felt worried and really nervously took a look at him: he looked, he DID LOOK like if he was ready to do anything to prove his own words, and the pain, that could be broight to the only child, occassionally or not, seemed to be nothing of having the real meaning and sence for him.
- All right, - the tough voice of doamna Caraus did suddenly break my terrifying thoughts. - She"s coming back...
I quickly looked through the huge glass again and really saw Awa, slowly walking to the car. Catching my sight, she coldly squeezed her lips and threw the sight down to the drowned ground: it seemed like all her heart was full of hate and ready to exploid, like a bomb, but in some strange way it made her even more beautiful - aguess like the long sharp fangs and ice white skin always multiply the beauty of vampiresse... I just can"t explain it another way. Next moment Awa sat down next to me - because it was the only free place in the salone - and only did keep on staring at the boy named Vivian, standing at the corner of the street under the rain, movelessly saving the last seconds, when they still could see each other.
- Good morning, Awa, pleased to see you again, - quickly pronounced I on the one breath, like if I was scared to forget these words, but she, of course, didn"t even notice that I was near and applied to her without any reason.
- Marian did greet you, daughter, - strictly said doamna Caraus. - Aren"t you going to answer him anything or...
Her nasty voice got more and more silent, then disappeared at all, when the woman, probably, saw the moveless face of a girl and realized she just could hear none of her words.
- You do seem to be really badly-bred child, if you don"t even know you should answer the same, when your friend actually is wishing you good morning, - coldly said domnul Caraus, suspiciously watching the daughter: he surely was trying to use any chance to blame her in the lie, but Awa"s answer too tough and laconic for that disclaim:
- I know it, daddy. But I don"t see my friend here. You don"t really think that Marian Tedescu is my friend, do you? You told me knowing somebody for whole the life can"t be always enough to call him a friend, then what about us? We only know each other for a few months...
He looked at her with a real anger, like if he nearly started to insult and shame her in the dirty last words. His breath became hard and occassional because of his fury, and talking in a middle soft voice has been already almost impossible for him, but he did really try to do it once again:
- So explain me now, who was the boy you were talking to on the street?
- I have already told you, - indifferently pronounced Awa. - He is my classmate. He only came to proclaime the results of my last school last exam.
I really felt so much embarassing, that was ready to do almost everything to stop this damned conversation as soon as possible, and so I tried to turn domnul Caraus"s attention on me:
- Excuse me, domnul... but what if your suspections are really false and each of Awa"s words is true?...
But this trying was doomed to be totally helpless: nobody even noticed I pronounced some words.
- What is this? Where you did take it from?
The ice voice of domnul Caraus made me shivering, like because of electric harm, and I finally took a look at the thing Awa was squeezing in her hands - it was a bunch, collected of the fresh white and blue flowers, small and cheap, but very beautiful anyway, innocent, pure and modest, like the souls of angels, turned into the flowers. And Awa was holding this bunch near her heart, like a special holy treasure.
- Did that boy present these flowers to you? - continued her father.
- Yes! - sudden and straight Awa"s answer forced her parents to throw surprised sights at each other and become speechless for a while. - Yes, it was he who presented me these flowers. So why? What"s wrong with it? It"s only a little simple bunch!...
Embarassingly unpleasant pause rose up above us: nobody could pronounced a word, while Awa and her father, sitting, like mortal enemies, in front of each other, were hatefully looking deep at each other"s eyes. It was a real hard fight, tormenting and full of destruction, and domnul Caraus seemed to be losing in this war against his sixteen years old daughter. He only took his eyes out of her and, making a tired breath, silently and calmly said:
- Give it to me, my girl. Please.
- No, - coldly denied Awa.
- Come on, baby, - the voice of the man became soft, as a voice of father, who saw his newborn child at the very first time. - Please. I"m not gonna do anything with it, this is your present. I"ll only take a look and then give it back to you. Don"t you believe me?
Awa was staring at him, almost helplessly holding back the tears, her lips and fingers were shivering, being strained till the very limit. Aguess she wanted so much to believe to her father, just like a small child... with the only cruel thought, that it will have to be her last trying to believe him: if she would find in his words and gestures nothing else but another one lie, it would bring a freaky disaster in her own world, but I really don"t think somebody from people surrounding her could ever understand it till the very end: not even me, aguess, not even Vivian.
- Will you give me a swear? - insurely, with a weak shivering voice started to speak Awa, - that you will just take a look... and then give it back to me?...
- Of course, my princess, - sweety smiled domnul Caraus. - Of course.
- What name are you giving this swear in? - asked another one question Awa.]
- I"m giving this swear, - loudly and slowly pronounced her father, then made a pause, searching for these high glamourous words, and added, - in the name of our happy family and my sincere love to my only daughter Awa.
- In the name of your love to me? - repeared Awa.
- Yes, - nodded domnul Caraus. - Exactly. But I could only show this love to you, Awa, if you will let me to do it. And if you too will try to do the same. So maybe, we still should give each other one more chance? How do you think?
His words probably were exactly the words Awa was dreaming to hear during all her life. She collected all her strength to destroy the last of doubts, then slowly, but almost surely took the bunch away from her heart and gave it to her father. Domnul Caraus, keeping on smile, took the bunch and really started at first to discover the simple pretty flowers, even enjopy it"s fresh delicious aromate... I slightly noticed the shadow of smile on Awa"s face, but I couldn"t yet set myself free from the contempting feeling that everything happening now is just a cruel false illusion, terribly hiding behind the smiling mask of peaceful harmony. But then - just a half of the only moment - and domnul Caraus with a tough heartless movings threw the bunch from the opened window.
- NO-O-O-O-O! No!.... you... you, BUSTARD!... I did believe you! I DID BELIEVE YOU!... i hate you!... I HATE YOU!...
The shivering and broken because of mad crying Awa"s voice sounded like a thunder. She was hysterically crying, painfully hitting me everytime I tried to embrace and to calm her down, and screaming, repeating all the same words, at her father and mother, who both stayed indifferent, pressing the small aromate flowers by the black car wheels.
- It"s all the world of Lucifer, were His mechanical slaves kill the angels, - I suddenly remembered this phrase, the lessib from ancient mental philosphy, and got deadly scared.
- Open the door! - screamed Awa, helplessly pushing the locked car door, wishing to get out. - Open the door, do you hear me?! God damned you, bustard, open the door!...
- The door is locked, - indifferently answered domnul Caraus, movelessly staring only on the road. - Don"t try to open it now.
- I"m sorry, - pronounced I, getting nervous after his words. - But domnul Caraus, where are we riding then?
- Please, Marian, don"t worry: we are riding to the railway station of Soroca. We have plenty much of time, so you surely won"t miss your train. And by the way, we have also a little surprise for you.
- What do you mean, domnul?
- You won"t need to come back home alone: Awa will be very happy, if you will spend your summer holidays with her.
His words did shock me again. And I felt like I was turning into the speechless dummy.
- But... domnul Caraus... what if... Awa doesn"t want?...
- Awa has never crossed the board of the region of Soroca, it"s her lucky chance to see Romania, especcially Bucharest.
- I"ve packed a luggage for you, - finally said doamna Caraus, after a long silent pause. - Marian and his parents will be pleased to take care about you, Awa... Awa? Do you hear me?
- I"ve already said everything I had to, - answered she with a very strange, absenting voice, like if she was talking to herself. - You all are bustards. You all are liars. I believed you, believe to your swears in the name of our love, and you... you simply betrayed me. Destroyed everything that"s been created. I hate you. I hate you with all the strength of my soul.
***
We got to the railway station at nine o"clock of the morning. The station was full of nervously rushing back and forward people, loudly screaming, shaking each other and pushing by the ground huge heavy road bags. Domnul Caraus took away from the car Awa"s luggage, said me something like "try to calm her down, if you wanna, but don"t get tired" and then left with his wife to the ticket casses. I stayed alone in front of Awa, silently sitting on the huge travel bag, filled for her with the things she probably didn"t ever need. She hasn"t said any word since that terrible nasty scene, like if nothing and nobody around her survive anymore. Then she suddenly pricked her sharp cold sight straight in me; I hoped she was going to tell me something, but she kept on staying speechless, and this silence began to destroy me. I felt the deadly frost under my skin, watching her and seing the hate of wild beast in her eyes... in the eyes of a child, God damned, how could it be?!... but she was surely insisting me to begin the conversation, and so I tried to tell her in a soft voice:
- I don"t think your father was right... I"m really sorry, Awa... he... he shouldn"t do what he"s done... he had no right...
- Then go to him, - coldly answered Awa, - and say it right at his face.
Her answer was so exact and son unexpected, that it really made me confused: it was the thing I never did want to hear from her, but she anyway said it and not only said - she was impatiently waiting for my answer.
- And so, - continued she, understanding, probably, that I just can"t chose the right words for it, - why are you still silent? Are you scared? You really can"t say it straightly to my father, can you? Because you have the casual habit to crawl in the dirt in front of those who stand higher than you do, and so that look at you like at the real...
- You are wrong! - suddenly screamed I, because her words, no matter, true or false, did really hurt me. - I just have that forgotten habit to respect my family and never scream I hate people who gave me a life!...
She proudly shaked her head and looked at me already not with hate, but with an uncovered contempt, like at the disabled ugly oldman.
- That could only mean all your understanding of life is based upon the patterns... I"m sure it"s better to be a sick murdered, than to look at the world by your eyes. Or you just are that pretty lucky boy, who could never understand how can people hate each other, when life around is so easy and so wonderful... when everything is ready to belong to you and to be bought by you, and the only thing you have to do is just proclaiming loudly your foolish desires... but I advice you to stop and to think about your feelings: if you don"t know the hate how can you be sure that you know the love?
- This is non-sence, - nervously whispered I. - Love and hate are two opposites!
- Exactly, - agreed Awa. - That"s why neither love nor hate could ever exist without each other, or have any sence. Isn"t everything I said still a strange unclear riddle for you, Marian? It only means I want you to leave me alone. Forever.
- Why do you always wanna hurt me? - disappointed and still confused, sadly asked I. - Why do you hate me so much? Does my pain bring you so much of pleasure? What have I done so wrong, Awa?...
- I"m not trying to hurt you at all, - calmly, without any surprising, answered she. - I"m only trying to tell you the truth, and this thing can easily hurt many people. But you don"t prefer the lie instead of it, do you?
- Look, - helplessly trying to calm down, said I. Awa was looking at me without any slight interest, like if I was occassional walker and nobody else for her. - I"m thankful for your truth, thankful that you"re not gonna play with me, like with a toy... but why are all these arguments so necessary always? Our parents made their decision, they want us to become... a bit closer to each other, and nothing else! Maybe, it"s not so freaky wrong? Maybe, we should try to follow their offer? At last time...
- Not in any case, - cut off Awa and showed she want to close this topic right now, but I, getting inspired from her words, decided not to give up so fast:
- If you think that I"m gonna force you to do something to me... no, it"s false, I"m not gonna... I won"t even look at your side, if you would tell me you want to be left alone for a while... I swear!
And I really did swear, but then, when I finally understood I said something terribly wrong for that moment, it was already too late.
- You swear? - showing me the doll"s surprising, repeated Awa. Her voice was shivering of anger and contempt, and she was looking at me like at the deadly enemy, who she wanted to hurt as painfully as it only could be possible to hurt an alive creature, who she wished the most horrible from all the horrible deaths, and whon she surely would never forgive, whatever else would happen between us.
- I"m sorry, - silently whispered I, feeling totally helpless, feeling I was turning into nothing.
- For what? - suddenly asked she. - You swear or you don"t swear - no more any difference. Who really cares about the swears? It means nothing now. Just an empty sound.
I wanted to tell her that she"s freaky wrong, but domnul Caraus and his wife, coming to us from the ticket cass, didn"t leave any time for me to do it, and broke my last chance not to let Awa hate me.
- Everything"s all right, - domnul Caraus gladly clapped his hands and nasty smiled. - Your train will arrive to Soroca in one hour, children. We still have enough of time to sit somewhere in the nice coffee-house, for example... what do you think about it, Marian?
- Well, I think...
But aguess I started to speak in vain, because doamna Caraus, smiling, momently took her daughter"s hand and, paying no attention to the things I was going to explain, proclaimed:
- Great! If everyone agreed, then we shouldn"t lose our time. Let"s go!
And so we all, taking our travel bags with luggage, went down the street to the small cosy coffee-house, seen at the far corner with the bright golden title "La nouveau lune". I was surprised or, to say better, really confused, watching Awa almost calmly walking next to mother and holding her hand. I would never suppose that she really decided to follow my offer and to do all the things the way I did beg her to do. It just couldn"t be right: Awa never was just a silly naughty girl, and I didn"t ask her to listen to the parents - I needed to ask her not to start a war, real and madly cruel war against her own family. Because of it all her calm peacefull silence seemed to be the last harmonious moments before the freaky storm, like before the Great Floods, and it finally did happen: when we crossed the street and already got almost to the enter of that coffee-house, Awa suddenly, with a very tough moving, set her hand free and, throwing whole the luggage away on the ground, quickly, like an unstoppable wind, rushed away. For the first moments we all have been so shocked and frustrated, that, of course, did lose the precious time, so later, when I rushed back for Awa, trying to stop and to catch her, I did quikly fail: following her was already almost impossible, and she disappeared from the limits of my eye-sight very soon, like a dream disappears, when you open your eyes. Being scared that today I lost her forever, I still didn"t want to realize that it all could be truth: that she did really runaway from her family, that nobody has any idea, where she would be hiding and how she could be found, that I will never see her face anymore and will have to come back home alone. Awa was disappearing from my consciousness, and I hopelessly was trying to hold her back. Her parents were screaming behind me, but at those moments I didn"t hear and notice anything around myself. I only came back to my mind next minute, when the huge heavy lorry, rushing fast, like a storm wind, did nearly kill me right in the middle of the road. I slowly walked to doamna Caraus and, helping her husband, started to try to calm her down though a little bit, while she, blind and deaf to everything existing here, was hysterically crying and shouting that her daughter chose to become a suicider, than to stay with family, that she is now lying on the ground in a few kilometres away from this place, bleeding under the wheels of lorry and feeling so happy because of breaking the last connection with them... it was a terrifying moment. I thought then that as a gift from Vivian Awa received not only that cheap flower bunch... but also the spirit of hate and cruelty to everyone around. I could never believe that sixteen years old girl has already learned to be such a demon in front of the closest people in whole the world. I was so shocked and broken that I forgot to think about the only one, most important thing - the origin of these hate and cruelty... neither hate, nor cruelty couldn"t be born from the pure innocence, I knew it, but didn"t understand at all at that day".
CHAPTER THREE. BURIED ALIVE.
The nasty rainy morning nearly did take her life away: there were many times, when the huge heavy lorry seemed to be too close to stop or or to change destination, seemed to be almost damaging her, breaking her bones and pushing her young colored by the blood body deep in the ground... but God was by her side that day, and Awa, like a storm lightning, was rushing out from the wheels of the cars and still has been alive, kept in safe, like the angel, flying to the skies from the sinful burning Earth. It tookn about an hour from her to get to the southern board of Soroca: she crossed whole the city, running forward without any stops and even look around, but it seemed like if she didn"t even notice that. Finally she stopped in front of the very small wood house, hidden behind the great green trees faraway from the highways and noisy yards. It seemed to be just a simple shed for keeping some instruments and domestic equipment, that hasn"t been built by the owners until the very end and now was standing here half-broken and poor. Taking a look around still because of fear that somebody"s been watching her, Awa made a very deep hard breath and started to knock the door.
- Vivian! - collecting the last left strength, screamed a girl. - Vivian, it"s me... please, open the door... open the door... Vivian...
She didn"t receive any reply for a rather long time: none of the sounds could be heard from Vivian"s sanctuary and none of the slight movings could be visual behind the small dirty window, somehow covered by the old dark material.
- Oh my God, - trying to hold back the tears, whispered Awa and helplessly fell down on the drowning under the rain fat soil under he feet. She almost couldn not breathe and felt the freaky sharp pain, pulssing with a blood in the every cell of her body, pricking by cold heavy raindrops like by the needles and shivering. She"s just understood, how tired and scared she has been at that moment.
- Vivian, - whispered she, - wher-re are you?... open the door... ple-e-ease...
She felt totally lost and broken at that freaky second and already had no hope that a boy could do what she asked. But suddenly, just like if Vivian did hear her silent whisper, he opened the small dark door and Awa finally saw his tall slender figure in a few steps in front of herself. She tried to smile, but she had no strength even for it anymore; she just gave him her shivering weak hand, speechlessly asking for help. For a few moments Vivian, moveless like a stone statue, was just standing at the same place and looking at the girl with a widely opened eyes, like if he saw a mythical monster in front of himself; he was so shocked that he seemed to be more dead than alive. But next second, finally realizing what he sees, Vivian rushed to the girl and tried to help her stand up from the ground.
- Awa, - frustratedly pronounced he, losing a breath. - Awa, what has happened?... stand up, darling, I beg you... stand up and say that you"re all right... come on!...
She was slowly and heavily standing up from the ice soil and helplessly waving her hands, trying to hold on for Vivian and not to fall down again, but she still was so weak that sacred Death was making another and another steps on the path to Awa, and still nothing could stop her for the present day.
- Why... why you haven"t opened the door... for so long?.. I was knocking, Vivian... I was calling you... why?...
Vivian made a deep breath, trying not to look at Awa"s eyes like if it"s sight could burn him alive, and when he finally answered her after the long pause, his weak voice sounded so silently and unclear, that Awa could hardly understand the words he pronounced:
- I just... I... felt... a bit badly...
- What?!...
- But it doesn"t really matter, believe me!... I just...
- What? Just what?... what was so wrong with you, Vivian?
- Nothing, dear, I swear... I just... got pretty tired... please, Awa... don"t worry... I need to know what has happened with you?... you look so...
- I"m pretty tired... it"s difficult for me to speak... to stand on my feet... God damned, even to breath!... oh, no...
She hardly swallowed the salted tears and embraced boy"s shoulders.
- Vivian... I need you so much... hide me... please, I don"t want them to find me somewhen!... I want to stay with you...
- I love you, Awa, - he carefully kissed her cold tough lips and squeezed her shivering body in the hands, wishing to gift her a warmth from his boiling blood. - And we will always stay together, next to each other. Come in... they will never find us here... and not gonna get us ever.
- I"m scared... I"m so scared... I know they will come for me... very soon... I feel them!
- No! Don"t be scared: I will never let them to take you away... don"t remember about them - they all are already your past...
***
The wood underbuilt shed Vivian was hiding in consisted of small room, served to the boy as a bedroom, living-room and kitchen at the same time, and of tiny corner, strangely added to the shed by it"s previous owner, where the poor bathroom was situated. The room was filled by the cold air and strong smell of the water, it was dark and the only furniture there was just a low bed, table with a couple of chairs around, self-made bookcase and a few wall shelves, where a lot of dusty books, broken and useless things, found by Vivian on the lonely streets of Soroca, were placed. There was also an old electric boiler on the table, surrounded by cheap cups and plates.
- Please, sit down, darling, - softly asked Vivian and covered Awa"s shoulders and back by the grey wool plaid, - and just try to relax now... I will make a cup of hot tea for you...
- Thank you... thank you so much...
And while Awa has been watching the boy, she finally understood that already feels safe. The hot aromatic tea was filling her veins by the precious warmth and gave her back her lost strength.
- You have seen everything, - started Awa, when Vivian sat down at the table in front of her. - He took the bunch you gifted me, dear... and threw it away, right under the wheels... God damned him, bustard... and I gave him your flowers, just because he sweared by his love to me and to our family, and I did really believe him, stupid girl... and then he...
- Awa, please, - Vivian was strocking her hand and looking straight at her. - Don"t cry. Don"t think about it. Your father is a very bad man. He"s not worth thinking of.
- My father, - excitedly whispered a girl, - is a liar and traitor. Today I died for him, and for his wife... and I want them both to die for me too... I hate them. You can"t even imagine, how do I hate them... I wish they could feel all the pain they earlier brought to me... to my grandmother... to all of the people in this world... let them burn in Hell... forever!
She drank a tea from the cup and became silent, strainedly thinking of something. And Vivian, breathing hard and movelessly looking at her, seemed to be reading her thoughts and trying to make a decision, almost impossibly difficult and confused.
- Awa, - weakly pronounced he, and girl rose her sight up on him. - I have to tell you something... I had to do it much more earlier, three months ago, when I have just met you at the very first time... but I could not... I was scared... frustrated and wrong... but it"s very important... and so you have to know it.
- Vivian... what are you talking about? - Awa was slowly getting scared.
- I told you a lot about my family, dear, - continued he. - You know, how I was living there... father, two elder brothers, even sick mother was kicking and tormenting me for a many times per the only day, and I was totally helpless, I was weaker than anyone of them, and not only because I was the youngest in this family... I am deadly sick, Awa... I was born with a sick weak heart, which could easily stop and crush in the small pieces at the any moment, even right now... and you won"t even have the time to learn what has happened...
- N-no... no!... I don"t believe you!... No! It"s all just a lie... you are wrong!...
Awa was already deadly scared and almost losing her consciousness because of this fear; her body was shivering like the flame of the thin candle under the powerful nothern wind, playing with it, and the tears, breaking her breath and voice, were freely falling down from the widely opened eyes.
- It"s true, Awa... it"s all a heartless true... you have to believe in it. You have to accept it, if our love still means something for you... we don"t have much time, darling... I"m so sorry... it"s my fault in front of you... I must to share with you my secret at the very first day... please, forgive me for my mistake... if you can...
- Happiness isn"t eternity, - repeated Awa through crying. - It"s the only moment... and I will stay with you, even though for this one moment... I will never leave you here alone... but I want to know...
- What? What exactly? I will tell you everything you wanna hear from me... until we both have time...
- Yes... until we both have time... you were going to tell me not only about your disease... you have something else to share with me, haven"t you?... not only that you are dying... and buried alive... not only this... please, tell me, that I am right!
- Yes, - strangely proved Vivian. - I want to tell you about something else... I spent the last years of my life, trying to learn it and to realize it"s real sence, no matter, how difficult it really is... so please listen to me. Even if you don"t wanna believe in all that non-sence... just let me tell you it till the very end...
- Sure... I agree, - silently answered Awa and started to listen to Vivian"s story, still trying to understand how could this cruel curse rush into reality from the deepest fears.
- It happened next week after my escape from family"s home, Awa. I felt that I was standing already next to the line between death and life, too close, closer than anytime before... I was weak and terribly scared... yes, I have just tasted the freedom and I didn"t want to die. But realizing I must fight for myself, for my own surviving, I felt so lost that I just didn"t know what to do. And so I spent ten days, walking around the city and trying to earn a few coins for the bread, but everything was in vain. At once I woke up because of hunger, very early at the morning, and left to the streets. There I suddenly noticed a woman, throwing the pack of large old books in the trashcun. I understood it was the only occassional possibility and decided not to miss such a lucky chance. When that woman went away, I took that pack of books from the trashcun and started to look through it"s titles. There were mostly medicine encyclopedias and guide-books, but one of it just really did catch my attention. It was a book about untraditional ways of treatment of deadly diseases, just like mine, for example. At that moment I didn"t really believe in it, of course: I have never heard too much about it all, and thought it was just a foolish tales. But I just wanted to save my life... and so I started to read this book with a huge attention, trying to find something useful from those pages, but things, written there, nostly were absolutely unclear for me. Suddenly I heard the voice behind my back, turned around and saw an old man in a strange clothes. He looked like indian magician from the historical novels. He said it was his wife who threw away all his books, because of a crime he has done. I asked him about this crime, and he answered, that he spent whole his life, helping to all the people for many years and all of them called him a miracle man, because he could treat any of their disease... until the last day, when the small sick girl, his own only daughter, begging him to helpl, died right under his arms. He also said he was watching me this morning and, noticed how greedy I was, reading this book, realized I was dying from the painful disease. I still remember, how I told him: "I know that only a very difficult operation would save my life, but I never whould get enough of money to pay for this miracle..." and he just answered: "It"s not right, my boy. I can see your suffering from the inside of your flesh. Be sure, the operation would never save your life - the operation would kill you. You would die right on the operation table, under the hands of surgeons. You would just fall asleep and then would never wake up. And remember, that real miracle can"t be bought for the money, and even those, who live in misery, are equal for it in front of the richest ones". After that he disappeared suddenly, like the illusion, and I still can"t understand, was he the real man of flesh and of blood or the ghost, sent to me by somebody... but I read this book and almost learned it by heart... there wasn"t the medicine from my disease, wasn"t any cure for it... aguess I lost too much of time and since the very birth I just had no chance to be saved... I"m scared to lose you... I don"t want to leave you as soon as it seemed to be necessary... but do you know what did I learn, Awa? I learned the way to immortality, and I know that we will follow it together... look at this sign!...
He showed her by his pale thin hand to the small hunter dagger, written across by the paths of unknown sacramental symbols of pagan religions, that has been placed above the door. The largest of those symbols was the image of the mythical smart snake, squeezing in the rings of the body the white tombstone with a title in a strange language, seemed to be mixed of french and hindi. Whole the surface of this sign was covered by the dried crimson blooddrops and caught by the long leather ribbons.
- Do you know, what is this? - asked Vivian and, being not waiting for the answer, continued. - This is the sign Guede. The net of the death and the symbol of our common future. We"ll stay together even after we die, Awa, believe in it. Because we love each other.
After these words he finally slightly smiled and kissed away the silver tears from Awa"s face. She embraced him tight, like at the very last time, and felt like after the hot quick kisses he strated to put the dress and the silk underwear off from her tanned body, but still couldn"t stop thinking about everything she has just heard, still was shocked and drowned in the mad sorrow, which was stronger and more painfull than the passion. She fell down on the soft low bed, strocking his sking and enjoying his touches, and ordered herself to forget immediately about anything else but Vivian, at least for these hours, but one strange confused feeling couldn"t be throw away from her mind. The sign Guede. She has already heard this title earlier. She has read it in one of the books in that small peaceful village. It was a black magical symbol, blessed by the Woodoo pagans. She was absolutely sure.
CHAPTER FOUR. THE NEEDLE.
"After that nasty accident domnul and doamna Caraus were begging me to stay with them at least for one day and not to let them to start the arguments about whose fault Awa"s escape really was and to do another one foolish mistake. I didn"t want to stay at their place after everything I"ve seen this morning, but they both looked really confused and scared, so I decided that I should help them. When we entered their house, doamna Caraus rushed to the telephone and called to the police station immediately, but the officer replied her that the girl"s search will be started only after three days since the moment of her disappearing. Doamna Caraus began to cry and pronounced some senceless occassional words, repeating always the same: "Awa, Awa, Awa...", she was absolutely broken. Even domnul Caraus, hardly trying to look calm, was really nervous anyway and seemed to be very sorry about that cruel insult he did to his daughter today. But remembering Awa"s words, I started to think that he felt so sorry not about her, but only about his own pain; I know it sounds terribly, but something told me it was truth...
***
Three tormenting long days have passed, but there"s still not been any slight sign from Awa: we didn"t know neither where she was, nor was she all right or not. Doamna Caraus cried and blamed in everything happened her husband everytime she noticed him somewhere: she seemed to be losing her mind because of the fear for daughter. Domnul Caraus firstly brought her a lot of lame excuses, then started to answer her by the same blames, and finally decided not to pay attention on her screams and tears at all. Somehow I started to get really furious, thinking about Awa. I just couldn"t understand how it could be possible to be so madly cruel and heartless to your own family and to whole the world, when you are just sixteen years old! It was a madness... I blamed Awa in the things she has already done and was doing, I was sure she really must have mercy on father and mother at least because they gifted her life and grew her up! I couldn"t believe she could really be so cruel and ungrateful, but even in spite of it all I anyway wished she would soon come back and we could live together to Bucharest... I ordered a call to Romania and said to my parents that Awa strangely disappeared, that she could probably be kidnapped, and so I won"t leave Soroca until I won"t find her. They probably felt so proud for me and so sorry for her... but I told them nothing about real Awa, only about that one who lived in my imagination, who I want her to become and who she never will be in this life. It was all just a lie...
***
At the early morning, at seventieth of June, doamna Caraus called me and asked to come back to their house immediately: the policemen finally arrived there to ask about a gitl and to check her personal things out. I proved I"ll soon be at her place and quickly started to prepare myself to this visit. It took from me about half-an-hour to get to the Caraus" house, and I came in exactly when the policemen started to look through Awa"s personal things. Domnul Caraus presented me as his daughter"s closest friend, and so I was allowed to enter Awa"s room with them too. As I"ve been the watcher of Awa"s escape, one of the policemen started to ask me some questions about that morning; I was confused and tried to answer shortly and unclear not to compromate Awa"s parents in front of the police. Meanwhile I was taking a carefull look around her room, dark and silent, like the camera of a nun, decorated by some strange heretic symbols and bloody-red lines of phrases from her favorite novels and poems. The largest one of them covered whole the window glass, preventing the sunlight to rush in the room: "Love means not looking at each other, but looking at the same destination", - proclaimed that sign.
- There"s nothing of useful here, - suddenly said one of the policemen. - Just all these drawings and the old photoalbum. No diaries, no private letters or notes in the books... unfortunately we should leave from this place without any precious help. Sorry.
And so they left, but I asked them for a permission to stay there a little bit longer; they probably decided I was just killed by the sorrow and so agreed. And I really felt freaku pain about Awa"s disappearing, but at the same time there was something that did suddenly catch my attention: it was a photoalbum the policemen slightly mentioned. It was lying opened on the table, and so I somehow could notice one of exciting me photos. It was the first Awa"s photo I made, and the only one I presented her: I remember, it was taken about three months ago, when I knew nothing about Awa"s relationships with Vivian. Now I understood, that this photo could be dated by the first day of their meeting. I took it out from the album and looked at it with the greatest attention, totally concentrating. Awa was standing near the narrow autoroad, behind her a few small old houses could be seen, but I couldn"t remember this part of the city: aguess I got there occassionally just at once, following Awa like a blind. But I felt there must be a sign of this photo, don"t know, which sign exactly, but otherwise I just would never pay my attention on it: whole the atmosphere in Awa"s room made me believing in such strange and unaccepted by most people things... and so I finally found that mystical sign: it was the title of the street, written on the dark housewall. The title was very small, unclear and almost impossible to be read, but in spite of it all, I collected all my strength and did finally understand, what did that title mean: "Strada de Chisinau, 12". Since that moment I ralized I had no right to lose the time anymore and took the decision to tell everything to Awa"s parents... after the policemen left: it looked like if it was the thing only watchers of that nasty morning accident could and must know".
***
It was a dark rainy evening, strangely cold and filled by the noisy breath of the winds, rushing above Soroca and playing with the heavy clouds in the low grey skies.
- Do you still feel as badly as at morning? - nervously asked Awa; her hands, holding the plates and the glasses with water, were unstoppably shivering, and it looked like if everything she tried to hold will soon fall down on the wood floor and break in the small sharp pieces.
- No, I"m already feeling much better, - with a weak silent voice answered Vivian and helplessly tried to smile. He was lying on the bed, tormenting by fever and frost at the same time, and he almost could not speak or move; the powerful heart-attack, hitted a boy present morning, still was taking his last strength away, and it seemed like with every new second Vivian could breathe harder and harder, like if the air has been disappearing from the atmosphere. It was a freaky torture - to watch your beloved one dying at the age of twenty, slowly and painfully, like on the damned inquisition fire, and Awa was hardly trying to do everything she could in the every moment of that day, trying not to stand at the same place and not to think about the nearest future, the next hours, - because it would make her crying so madly and endlessly, that she would drown in her own tears. She prayed the God about the only occassional kindness, the only occassional mercy, not to her, but to Vivian, and at the same time she couldn"t set herself free from the sinful thought that none of all these gods were listening to her now. So looking at Vivian, Awa against her own will could easily see, that pale cold hands of Death were already strocking his skin, like a velvet, and nobody in whole the world could take him away from Her embraces. Vivian did feel the same and so the last fears, doubts and regrets were already leaving his soul to make him innocent and pure, like a Jesus Christ, again, at the second and at the last time in his life. "The fear of the death is the only real death", - he still did remember these words he saw on the photo, presented him by Awa: it was a huge bloody-red sign, left by the girl on the wall of her small gloom room. Vivian did always keep this photo on the wall above his bed, like the saint miracle icon, like if moveless Awa"s shadow on this picture was his blessed guardian angel.
- - Please, take this medicine one more time, - silently whispered Awa, sitting on the bed next to boy and touching his hand. - And let me call the ambulance now... please... let me do something for you... I love you... you do know it... I can"t just sit here and watch how you... no... no... so why are you still silent? Answer me something, please!... I beg you!... don"t leave me alone!...
- Awa, - finally pronounced Vivian softly, embracing her. - I will never leave you alone. I love you, and so we will always be together... but right now... there"s just no need to speak... let"s just keep this silence... for some minutes... don"t cry... and don"t be scared... death is not the end, you know... death is only a beginning...
- All right, - sadly nodded a girl, swallowing bitter tears. - I"ll do everything as you ask... if you really want it...
***
He finally fell asleep in half-an-hour, his breath was so slow and hard, that Awa was all turned into listening, feeling so scared of a moment when whole the room will be filled of silence, answering her that Vivian has gone. It was impossibly peaceful torture, breaking Awa"s mind and soul: she soon understood that she couldn"t stay next to him anymore, trying to feel the weak pulse under his skin and listening to his silent breath, trying to make herself totally sure it still hasn"t been the end and the only slight chance for the strange destructive happiness still has been kept at safe for them. It was about half-past-seven, when Awa, carefully kissed Vivian, went outside of the house. It was already dark everywhere on the streets, almost like at the late winter night, and the fresh clean air was full of cold, pricking Awa"s face and hands.
- It"s not the end, - whispered she silently, trying to assure herself, but really hopelessly. - It cannot be the end... I love him... I love him so much... Heavenly Father, please, give us a chance... the only one... the first and the last...
She sadly rose her unclear because of the tears eyes up to the low grey sky, far and indifferent, like the shining angels from the holiday Christmas postcards.
- You don"t hear me, Heavenly Liar, - with an umasked contempt answered herself Awa. - I know... you"re doing nothing and never, like if we all have been already doomed... you never hear our prayers, and you don"t care who is sinner and who is saint: you hate us all... and we all hate you too. Yes... we really do.
- You should never say these words... you couldn"t dare... it"s awful...
A silent shivering voice suddenly sounded in a few steps behind her, it was familiar and terribly scared. Heavily turned around, Awa saw Marian, standing next to the house and straightly looking at her, almost like at the beautiful angel, who suddenly started to turn into tyhe demone, born in the Hell.
- What are you doing here? - hatefully asked Awa, but her face was so distort because of anxious and contempt, that it seemed like girl didn"t need this answer at all. - How did you find me, bustard?
- It doesn"t matter, - Marian made a step closer top Awa, but she quickly got back and touched the door. - No, no, please! Don"t go away! Just listen to me, I beg you!...
- We have nothing to talk about, Marian. You must leave. Right now. Forget about me, just like if we"ve never met each other, - cut off Awa.
- No, - denied Marian. - I won"t. I won"t because I love you and want to help you...
- I don"t need anybody"s help. I"m all okay.
- Listen... nobody knows where we are now. I only told to your parents thatg I won"t come back without you...
- Then go back to them and say that you were wrong, because I will never return to their house. I don"t belong to them anymore. I"m not the part of their life anymore. You may repeat them my words.
- No, Awa, you don"t understand! - Marian was uselessly fightint against the growing up dispair. - They worry so much about you! They are so scared!... they"re begging you to come back!... how can you be so cruel with them? With all of us?! We love you!... we need you!...
- I don"t believe in it. It"s all just a lie.
- No, it"s true! - scread Marian impatiently. - I love you, Awa! I love you!...
He suddenly became silent and threw the sight down on the fat dark soil, washed out by the cold rains. Awa was indifferently looking right at him, keeping the long tormenting pause.
- I don"t care, - irritatingly answered Awa. - And never come back here again. If you think your love will take me back home, you are freaky wrong. Your love is your missunderstood, and it means nothing for me. You don"t exist for me, and never did. Go away.
And Awa, being not waiting for his answer, quickly opened the door and, leaving Marian alone on the dark narrow street, disappeared in the small cold room. She felt wicked and annoyed after that conversation, and her movings were too fast and tough to look naturally. And so next moment, because of the only of those sudden gestures, girl occassionally dropped a thing down from the low wall shelf on the wood floor. It was a rather big cartone box, full of strange unknown things like tiny bottles, filled by mixtures, dried meat, leaves, flowers and mushrooms. It all seemed to be an unusual set, using by the pagan miracle man as the magical cure against any of deadly diseases. The things, fallen from the box, were now lying on the floor and Awak, hoping not to wake Vivian up with this noise, quickly started to pick these medicines from the floor and put it back in the box. She didn"t pay too much of attention on the things she was taking from the floor: pills, bottles with mixtures, tablets, dried flowers and leaves, mushrooms, berries... but suddenly something sharp painfully pricked her so, that Awa couldn"t hold back the short occassional scream; next moment she saw the thin needle, pricked in her finger till the very basis. Awa pulled the needle out of her finger and carefully, putting it back in the box, discovered it. She quickly realized that it wasn"t even a needle: it was an unnaturally bright and colored by the red blood sharp thorn, probably cut off from the body of unknow fish.
- The thorn from the Christ"s wreath, - suddenly thought Awa, and the cold chains of fear momently squeezed her shivering body: the small wound on her finger still has been bleeding and seemed to be burning, like on the wild opened fire, born and growing powerfully under her skin, inside of her body, and the pain, cutting this wound, was flowing with the boiling blood in her veins within every cell, destroying it like the toxic poison.
- What has happened? - a weak silent voice sounded within the room: Vivian has woken up and been staring at Awa, just like if he strongly desired to see her soul and each of her thoughts from the inside.,
- Nothing... nothing, Vivian, - answered she, feeling a strange breaking weakness inside of the flesh. She couldn"t be standing on her feet, and heavily sat down on the bed next to Vivian, strocking his white fragile hand and sincerely trying to smile. But a boy was looking right at her huge eyes, like by the rays of blinding burning light, and it seemed like if he could feel every drop of her pain, feel that the life has been melting away from her body, like the ice under the crimson sun.
- Are you sure? - calmlessly asked he, squeezing girl"s hand: it was changing from cold to hot and from hot to cold every second and shivering.
- I am, - proved Awa, but the consciousness has been already slightly sliding away from her, like if she was slowly drowning in comatose dream. - Don"t pay attention on me: everything"s all right... I will go... I don"t want to disturb you... you need a rest...
She tried to stand up from the bed on her feet, but losing the sence almost fell down on the floor.
But a girl, feeling the sharp pain within every cell of the body, already almost couldn"t breath and saw everything in the room like if her eyes were totally covered by the heavy shroud of tears; she could only feel the natural warmth of Vivian"s body and hear his silent voice, ednlessly repeating the same question: "What has happened?"
- I don"t know, - hardly answered Awa, helplessly trying to stand up. - I dropped down your box with medicines occassionally... I wanted to pick it and put back... and I just... just pricked my finger... by the needle... by the thorn...
- Oh my God... no!...
Holding a palm on the chest and frowning because of pain, Vivian slowly stood up from the bed and came closer to Awa, lying movelessly on the floor. The poison, intoxicating her organism, was so powerful, that all her body has been already covered by the dark corpse spots, every of scars and scratches on her skin turned into the opening, growing up wounds and started to bleed, but the blood, streaming inside of a girl"s flesh, has been already thick, like a jelly, and mixed with the white pus, like if she was putrefying alive.
- Oh my God... what have I done?!... Awa... Awa, please, forgive me...
Through this unstoppable destructive pain Vivian almost couldn"t see and hear her, and it all was quickly making his fear more and more powerfull with every second.
- Vivian, - Awa"s voice was sounding exactly like if she has been in a hundred miles away. - What"s going on?... I can"t understand... it hurts so much... it seems to be killing me... am I dying, Vivian?... am I?...
- No, no! - Vivian kissed her forehead and slightly smiled, trying anyway to help them both to calm down and to win a fight against the fear and panic. - You"re not dyin, dear... you will never die... those who love are always immortal... you are just falling asleep... simply falling asleep... and when the night will come... you will just wake up... and I will be here... next to you... don"t be scared... it"s not the end, Awa...
CHAPTER FIVE. THE DEAD FIRE.
"I spent almost an hour on the corner of Strada de Chisinau, desperately trying to make any decision, no matter, right or wrong. It would be a helpless hope to come to Awa once again and to tell her anything else about my feelings, but comning back to her parents alone and giving them unclear explanation, that Awa will never return to their house, would be much more difficult for me, as I swore to that people, that their daughter will be again with them this day, and so I just had no strength to turn my words into a lie. It was already very late hour, when I finally made up my mind and surely decided to back for Awa again and to take her away from that street thief"s hands.
***
The only small window at that shed wasn"t colored by the yellowish light from inside, and, wandering through the sick darkness, filling in the city, I couldn"t easily find the exact place where Awa and her lover were hiding. Suddenly the bright crimson light of the fire did break the black twilight cover, and I finally saw Vivian. Standing on the knees in the ten-fifteen metres far away from me, he was holding the dried branch above the head, like the torch, and was keeping his palm on the left chest, just like if he was suffering from the sharp heartache; it seemed like even his face was disfigured because of that pain. I noticed the fresh soil embankment next to him, looked like the symbolic grave without a tombstone and a holy cross, and this unpleasant view made me feeling confused and coldly scared. I really wanted to leave this place right now, and it was hard to fight against this strong and uncontrollable desire, but finally, hiding behind the dark trees, I ordered myself to keep on watching Vivian with the biggest attention. He took from the land a small thing, coldly shining by the silver in the fire, and drew a big correct circle, placing himself and that strange improvisated grave within it"s limits. Then he rose up above this line something, looked like the bleeding soft body of a small bird, and added another one circle around the previous one, making the blood and the soil the part of the only one materia.
- United, like flesh and blood, - suddenly remembered I, and kept on staring at Vivian: he was drawing some strange symbols on the ground. I tried to recognize or to count it, but this trying was hopeless and did quickly fail. Finishing the last of the drawings, Vivian put the thing he was using for it on the highest point of embankment, and finally I understood what it really was: it was a small sharp dagger, decorated with another one pagan sign I have never seen before, something like the snake around the tombstone, colored by blood. Vivian kept on standing on his knees, like if within his body there wasn"t any strength to stand up, and he looked absolutely tormented and dying because of long and hard disease. It was the only time in my life, when I did really feel so sorry about him, doomed to die so young and so lost. I thought at that moment that Vivian has been preparing the fresh grave for himself and performing a ceremony of his own funeral: that could explain everything - he just ordered Awa to leave, because if I would be on his place, I would not like my beloved girl to see the last minutes of my life, to watch me dying on her hands. But suddenly Vivian, touching the cold sharp blade of the dagger, started to speak. His silent strange speech consisted of the words I couldn"t understand - "Guede", "Damballah-Vedo", "Barone Samedi", "Erzulie Dantore" - and another ones, taken from unknown language, mixed of french, indian and another southern mediterranian dialects - probably... I wasn"t sure. I have never heard such language before and really couldn"t imagine, why did Vivian know it so well. Sometimes through his speech were sliding also romanian words, but I could hear only a few of them: Vivian was saying something about the family, about the thirteen years of slavery, of pain and humiliating, about the love, bringing the ressurection to him, and about the revenge and someone else, who he was talking to, was dreaming about and surviving for. He was pronouncing these words like if he wanted somebody to learn his words by heart forever. I slightly started to understand, what was he really talking about and what for, but right after that, just like feeling I"m here and listening to him, Vivian suddenly finished to speak romanian and continued his strange ode to someone unknown on that pagan and aguess unexisting at all language. His speech seemed to be endless and slowly throwing into the comatose dream, like the drug or the poison, and I already understood that will not learn anything new from his words anyway, and so I was trying to watch Vivian about thirty-fourty minutes more, after that, feeling myself deadly tired and broken, decided to go away. I was absolutely sure that Vivian was sick and aguess just couldn"tg control himself: it was a happiness that I haven"t seen Awa next to him this evening. Now I only hoped to come to Caraus"s house tomorrow morning and find her there with the parents - exactly at the place where she always had to be".
***
It was already about midnight, when Vivian, finally finished reading his strange pagan prayers, took the hands away from the dagger, marked by the sign Guede and lyed on the top of the embankment, and, making a deep breath, painfully squeezing his chest, silently, but surely ordered:
- The death sees a sign Guede on your body. The spirits of Pietro Loa see the sign Guede on your soul. You are under the power of Bokor until your last breath. Wake up!
Nothing was happening for some moments, but after it, unexpected deaf sounds of moving started to rise up on the surface from the inside, like if the Earth has been shivering under it"s soil. Soon the sound of rare heavy breath added to this noise, becoming more and more clear with every second, and right after another deep breath someone"s sudden tough moving from the inside destroyed the top of the embankment. The white hand, totally covered by the decomposing corpse spots, squeezed the small dagger and kep on throwing the fat soil away from her way up on the surface. Vivian, still standing on his knees, was losing the breath because of sharp powerfull pain: it was squeezing every cell of his body, like by the burned above the fire steel chains, and it was harder with every new moment for hinm to stay in sences and keep the rest of slight poisoned consciousness, but he was fighting from the last strength and didn"t take his eyes out of the decomposing alive corpse, cleaning out his way to the freedom from the fresh grave. It continued for several minutes more, silent, moveless, filled only by the spirit of anger fight for the escape then it finished as suddenly as began. She was standing in front of him, like the tower, tall and slender, but her figure seemed to be so disabled and unstable, that it could easily fall down back in the grave with the only sudden breath of wind. This unknown creature, neither human nor animal, must have been Awa, dead destorying body of Awa, suddenly received as a strange gift this illusion, false interpretation of physical life. She still seemed to be as blindingly beautiful, as she was yet a few hours earlier, but it wasn"t Awa - it couldn"t be Awa.