When drowned in blood land will be watching sunrise
In silent mourn,
You"ll wake up again after Apocalypse,
Trying to reborn...
Let me fall asleep with this curse on my depth,
Let stay blind and deaf...
You want me to answer what is the death?
It"s how we live...
Rada V. Anpilova. "Whatever is torture".
I
- GET OUT OF OUR CITY! GET OUT OF OUR COUNTRY, JEWISH! GO BACK HOME AND NEVER COME BACK HERE! WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE! YOU ARE MURDERER! YOU KILLED YOUR PARENTS! YOU KILLED YOUR PARENTS!...
TEN OR FIFTEEN TOUGH CHILDISH VOICES HATEFULLY SOUNDED IN FRONT OF THE SMALL TANNED GIRL WITH TWO LONG BLACK BRAIDS AND A CHEAP WAX DOLL IN THE HANDS. TEN OR FIFTTEN CONTEMPTING SIGHTS, LIKE THE BURNING ON THE FIRE NEEDLES, PRICKED UNDER HER SKIN, AND THEN TWENTY OR THIRTY HANDS DID PAINFULLY HIT HER FRAGILE, SEEMED TO BE MADE OF GLASS, BODY, BUT A GIRL WAS STRAIGHTLY LOOKING AT THE SAME MOVELESS POINT, BLIND, DEAF AND SPEECHLESS TO EVERYTHING ELSE, SURROUNDING HER. EACH OF THE HITS, DIRTY WORDS AND SIGHTS WERE REFLECTING AWAY FROM HER FLESH, LIKE THE LIGHT FROM THE MIRROR: SHE LOOKED LIKE THE EXACT COPY OF THE WAX DOLL SHE WAS HOLDING IN HER HANDS.
- STAND BACK FROM HER! DON"T TOUCH HER! LEAVE HER ALONE!
A WEAK AND DIFFIDENT VOICE SUDDENLY MADE ALL THE OTHER SCREAMING, REPEATING THE SAME WORDS, VOICES SILENT, A THIN SEVEN-YEARS-OLD BOY MOMENTLY CLOSED BY HIS BODY THE LITTLE JEWISH GIRL, LIKE BY THE SHIELD. THE BOY QUICKLY, ALMOST UNNOTICABLY, TURNED AROUND TO HER, AND HIS BEAUTIFUL CHILDISH FACE GOT LIGHTED BY THE SMILE. THE GIRL STILL HAS BEEN LOOKING NOWHERE, LIKE THROUGH THE BOY"S FLESH, INSIDE AND DEEPER THAN INSIDE OF HIM, AND HER GLASS PIERCING SIGHT SEEMED TO BE THE SIGHT OF THE BLINDMAN, COLD AND FORCING TO FEEL CONTEMPT AGAINST THE WILL, - SHE SAW AND HEARD NOTHING AROUND HERSELF.
- DON"T WORRY, KEETHA, - SOFTLY WHISPERED A BOY, BENDING OVER HER EAR. - THEY HAVE ALREADY LEFT AWAY... THEY WILL NEVER COME TO YOU ANYMORE... DON"T BE SCARED... KEETHA? DO YOU HEAR ME?...
BUT A GIRL STILL HAS BEEN MOVELESS, LIKE SLEEPING IN COMATOSE WITH THE WIDELY OPENED EYES, AND THE TIME, STOPPING AROUND HER, COULDN"T WAKE HER UP. IT MADE THE BOY FEELING SCARED: HE IMAGINED, THAT KEETHA HAS DIED AND NOW BEEN WATCHING AT HIM BY THE GLASS CORPSE EYES - BY THE SIGHT, THAT ALWAYS BRINGS THE DISASTERS.
- KE-TH-HA, - WITH A SHIVERING VOICE HARDLY PRONOUNCED A BOY, SQUEEZING AND SHAKING GIRL"S SHOULDERS. - KEETHA!... MOM, DAD! THERE"S SOMETHING WRONG WITH KEETHA!...
MISTER AND MISSIS THOMPSONS, PEACEFULLY TALKING TO EACH OTHER, FINALLY DID PAY ATTENTION ON THEIR SON, NERVOUSLY SCREAMING AND WAVING HIS HANDS, ASKING THEM TO STAND UP AND TO COME CLOSER. BUT BEFORE THEY DID JUST THROW A SURPRISING, FULL OF MISSUNDERSTOOD, SIGHTS ON EACH OTHER, KEETHA, STILL LOOKING AND MOVING LIKE THE WAX DOLL ON HER FRAGILE ARTIFICIAL PROPS INSTEAD OF LEGS, SLOWLY STOOD UP AND, MAKING A FEW STEPS, STOPPED IN FRONT OF THE MISTER AND MISSIS THOMPSON, PRICKING HER BLIND SIGHT RIGHT IN THEIR EYES. A GIRL HAD ALREADY GOT ONE MORE TOY IN HER HANDS - IT WAS A PLASTIC LORRY, LOADED WITH A SAND A SMALL STONES, SHE TOOK FROM THE BOY, SITTING NEXT TO HER, WITHOUT A WORD. STANDING IN FRONT OF HIS PARENTS AND WATCHING THEIR CONFUSION, SHE SUDDENLY ROSE ABOVE HER HEAD THE WAX DOLL AND THE PLASTIC LORRY AND BEGAN TO HIT THE TOYS OF EACH OTHERS, STRANGELY IMITATING THE ROAD ACCIDENT. A BOY, WHO DID NOTICE, WHAT WAS SHE DOING, QUICKLY RUSHED TO HER AND TRIED TO TAKE HIS TOY OUT FROM HER HAND, BUT HER FINGERS WERE SQUEEZING IT, LIKE THE STONE FINGERS OF THE CORPSE.
- YOU WILL DIE THREE DAYS LATER, - PRONOUNCED SHE WITH A SCARY STRANGE VOICE, LIKE IF THE WAS A DOZEN OF AN ADULT MEN, SPEAKING AT THE SAME TIME, INSTEAD OF HER. - YOU, MISTER THOMPSON, YOU, MISSIS THOMPSON... AND YOUR DAUGHTER, - STRANGELY ADDED KEETHA, SHOWING BY THE FINGER ON WOMAN"S ROUND STOMACH, HIDDEN UNDER THE WIDE SUMMER DRESS.
- WHAT?! - SHORTLY SCREAMED A BOY AND STARTED TO CRY, HOLDING TIGHT HIS MOTHER, SCARED AND CONFUSED AS MUCH AS HE WAS ON HIS OWN. THE WOMAN WAS TRYING NOT TO LOOK AT THE GIRL"S EYES, LIKE IF IT"S SIGHT COULD BURN HER ALIVE, AND HID HER FACE IN THE SON"S DARK WAVY HAIR.
- DON"T LISTEN TO IT, NICO, - WHISPERED SHE AND CLOSED BOY"S EARS BY HER SHIVERING PALMS. - DON"T LISTEN... YOU MUSTN"T LISTEN TO IT...
MISTER THOMPSON, WATCHING THE MOVELESS GIRL, SUDDENLY SQUEEZED HER SHOULDERS AND SHOOK, LIKE IF HE WAS TRYING TO WAKE HER UP.
- KEETHA, - STRICTLY PRONOUNCED HE. - KEETHA, LOOK AT ME. WHY DID YOU SAY IT? HOW COULD YOU KNOW? YOU MUST ANSWER ME, KEETHA. WHY DID YOU SAY, THAT WE WILL DIE THREE DAYS LATER? KEETHA?
A GIRL, SAYING NOTHING AND LOOKING SOMEWHERE THROUGH HIM, DROPPED THE TOYS DOWN ON THE GROUND AND SLOWLY LEFT AWAY. THE SMALL BEAUTIFULL DOLL AND THE COLORFUL LORRY WERE BROKEN IN THE PIECES AND LYING, LIKE DEAD, IN THE DUST.
***
KEETHA DID ONLY STARTED TO COME BACK IN THE SENCES, WHEN SHE FINALLY HAS BEEN TAKEN HOME BY THE THOMPSON"S FAMILY. THE ONLY GIRL"S RELATIVE, WHO HAS STILL STAYED ALIVE, WAS HER OLD GRANDMOTHER DEENA BERNARDY, ALWAYS TIRED, TORMENTED SEVENTYSIX-YEARS-OLD WOMAN WITH A DARK BECAUSE OF ENDLESS CRYING EYES. SHE AND HER GRAND-DAUGHTER LIVED IN THE JEWISH GHETTO, ON THE STREET OF ESHIBOTE, IN THE SMALL WOOD HOUSE WITH THE SMALL DIRTY BECAUSE OF TOXIC SMOKE FROM THE FACTORIES WINDOWS. THE FACTORIES SURROUNDED ALL THE DISTRICT BY THE POISONED BLACK RING AND THE HARD SUFFOCATING SMELL, AND THE HUNDREDS OF BEGGARLY JEWS, WORKING THERE, SEEMED TO BE THE SPEECHLESS ZOMBIES, STUPIDLY DOING WHAT THEY WERE FORCED TO DO TO FEED THE FAMILIES. DEENA BERNARDY, NOW, AFTER HER SON"S AND HIS WIFE"S TRAGIC DEATH IN ISRAEL, RAISING KEETHA ALONE, HAS BEEN SUFFERING FROM THE ENDLESS HEARTACHES, BUT SHE HASN"T EVER TRIED TO LEAVE HER WORK - IT WAS THE ONLY SOURCE OF A TINY INCOME, THAT HAS BEEN STILL AVAILABLE FOR HER AND HER GRAND-DAUGHTER. HEARING THE IMPATIENT KNOCK IN THE DOOR OF HER HOUSE, OLD WOMAN, DISFIGUREING FACE BECAUSE OF THE SHARPEST PAIN IN WHOLE THE BODY AFTER THE FREAKY LONG WORKDAY, STOOD UP FROM HER BED AND SLOWLY CAME TO THE DOOR.
- GOOD EVENING, - SHE DID WEAKLY GREET THE THOMPSON"S FAMILY, STANDING NEXT TO THE ENTRANCE WITH KILLED BY THE SORROW KEETHA. - MAY I DO SOMETHING FOR YOU?
- GOOD EVENING, MISSIS BERNARDY, - ANSWERED MISTER THOMPSON. - HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?
- EVERYTHING"S ALL RIGHT, SIR, - NODDED OLD WOMAN, MASKING THE TRUTH, - THANK YOU. BUT IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY GRAND-DAUGHTER?
- MISSIS BERNARDY, - PRONOUNCED MISTER THOMPSON, HARDLY TRYING TO FIND THE CORRECT WORDS AND NOT TO HURT HER, - I THINK WE HAVE A LOT TO DISCUSS... MAY WE COME IN? IT"S VERY IMPORTANT...
- SURE, - AGREED WOMAN. - COME IN, PLEASE. AND YOU, KEETHA, LOOK TOO PALE NOW. GO TO YOUR ROOM AND HAVE SOME REST... IF MISTER AND MISSIS THOMPSONS DON"T MIND...
- NO, IN CONTRARY, - SAID MISTER THOMPSON. - LET KEETHA HAVE SOME REST INDEED. AND YOU, NICO, ARE HER FRIEND. SO GO AND TRY TO SUPPORT HER, ALL RIGHT?
- YES, DADDY, - ANSWERED NICO WITH A SHIVERING BECAUSE OF UNBREAKABLE FEAR VOICE. - WILL YOU SHOW ME YOUR ROOM, KEETHA?
A GIRL SILENTLY, ALMOST UNNOTICABLY, NODDED AND, TAKING NICO"S HAND, SPEECHLESSLY INVITED HIM TO FOLLOW HER. THE CHILDREN WENT THROUGH THE NARROW CORRIDORE WITH A WALLS, COVERED BY THE OLD YELLOW NEWSPAPERS IN HEBREW, AND SOON GOT TO THE OPPOSITE PART OF THE HOUSE, IN FRONT OF THE SMALL DOOR. KEETHA"S ROOM, HIDDEN BEHIND IT, WAS ALMOST AS TINY AND NARROW, AS THE CORRIDORE IN A DOZEN STEPS AWAY FROM IT. THE ROOM WAS FILLED BY THE GLOOM TWILIGHT AND THE DEEP SMELL OF FACTORY SMOKE: THE ONLY WINDOW THERE WAS BROKEN, SOMEHOW HIDDEN BEHIND THE CARTONE AND COVERED BY THE THICK LAY OF THE BLACK SOOT. THE ROOM WAS POORLY FURNITURED: THERE WAS NOTHING BUT THE LOW BED WITH A GREY WOOL PLAID ON IT, SMALL DESK, COLLECTED FROM THE UNLACKED BOARDS AND FULLFILLED BY THE HIGH PACKS OF BOOKS IN HEBREW, THE WARDROBE WITH THE BROKEN GLASS DOORS, THE TINY BOOKCASES AND A FEW SHELVES. IT PROBABLY SEEMED TO BE THE CASUAL ROOM FOR THE ANY CHILD, LIVING IN THE JEWISH GHETTO. NICO KNEW KEETHA FOR SEVEN MONTHS SHE HAS ALREADY SPENT FARAWAY FROM JERUSALEM, AND HE STILL HASN"T BEEN HERE, AT THE PLACE WHERE A GIRL WAS TAKEN TO: HE WISHED HE COULD APPEAR THERE SOMEWHEN, NEXT TO KEETHA, BUT NICO"S PARENTS, SO PLEASANTLY MEETING A GIRL AS THE GUEST IN THEIR COSY HUGE HOUSE ON THE SEASIDE, WOULD NEVER LET HIM TO GO TO SEE HER THERE. TODAY HIS DREAM FINALLY CAME TRUE, BUT IT DIDN"T MAKE HIM HAPPY: LOOKING THROUGH THE PIECES OF DIRTY WINDOW GLASS ON THE NARROW CURVED STREET OF ESHIBOTE, HIDDEN IN THE TOXIC SMOKE AND EVENING TWILIGHT, A BOY FELT NOTHING BUT THE FEAR.
- SIT DOWN NEXT TO ME, PLEASE, - SILENTLY WHISPERED KEETHA, STILL HOLDING NICO"S HAND. - I"M SCARED... PLEASE, HELP ME, NICO... YOU ALWAYS HELPED ME... PLEASE...
- DON"T BE SCARED, KEETHA, - SAID NICO AND TRIED TO SMILE, BUT IT WAS SO CLEAR THAT HE WAS SCARED AS MUCH AS A GIRL. - EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT... YOU DIDN"T SAY IT SERIOUSLY TODAY, DID YOU? YOU DIDN"T REALLY MEAN THAT MOM AND DAD WILL DIE SO SOON?
- I... I JUST... I DON"T KNOW! - SHORTLY SHOUTED KEETHA, HELPLESSLY HOLDING BACK THE TEARS. - I DON"T KNOW WHY DID I SAY IT!... I DON"T UNDERSTAND... AND DON"T REMEMBER... IT"S LIKE... LIKE IF IT HAS BEEN SAID NOT BY ME, BUT BY SOMEONE... SOMEONE WHO FORCED ME TO SAY IT!... I"M LOST... I DIDN"T WANNA SAY IT, BUT I COULDN"T NOT TO SAY IT!... THIS IS MADNESS... IT"S JUST LIKE AFTER THE LAST POURIMME... WHEN I SAW THAT EXPLOISION AT THE CAFFEE-HOUSE... JUST LIKE THE BALL OF FIRE... WHEN I SAW THAT MY MOM AND DAD WILL DIE... I COULD ONLY SAY IT... I COULD CHANGE NOTHING... DO YOU HEAR ME, NICO? I COULD CHANGE NOTHING!...
NICO, STAYING SILENT, WAS LOOKING AT HER WITH THE UNMASKED HORROR IN HIS CHILDISH BRIGHT EYES. AND KEETHA, WHO ALREADY COULDN"T PUSH OUT FROM HERSELF EVEN THE ONLY WORD, HAS BEEN CRYING.
***
- SO WHAT HAS HAPPENED ANYWAY, MISTER THOMPSON? - ASKED MISSIS BERNARDY, OFFERING TO THE YOUNG PEOPLE A TEA. - I STILL CAN"T UNDERSTAND, WHAT HAS HAPPENED WITH MY GRAND-DAUGHTER. MAYBE, YOU WILL EXPLAIN ME? OR HAVE YOU COME HERE JUST BECAUSE WE ARE JEWISH?
- NO, NO, - DENIED MISTER THOMPSON AND EMBRACED HIS SHIVERING AND STILL PALE, LIKE THE CORPSE, WIFE, KEEPING THE PALMS ON HER STOMACH. - I ONLY WANTED TO ASK YOU... TELL US, PLEASE, WHAT DID REALLY HAPPEN WITH KEETHA"S PARENTS?
- YOU KNOW IT NOT WORSE THAN I DO, - MAKING A DEEP BREATH, ANSWERED OLD WOMAN. - THEY DIED AFTER THE EXPLOISION IN THE LOCAL CAFFEE-HOUSE. THERE, IN JERUSALEM. IT HAPPENED ABOUT SEVEN MONTHS AGO.
- YES, I KNOW IT... BUT MAYBE, YOU KNOW SOMETHING ELSE... MAYBE, SOMETHING, THAT HAS HAPPENED... IN A FEW DAYS BEFORE THIS TRAGEDY... MAYBE, KEETHA DID SAY SOMETHING TO YOU OR TO PARENTS?...
- KEETHA IS SIX YEARS OLD, - SAID MISSIS BERNARDY. - WHAT COULD SHE SAY?
- I DON"T KNOW, AND SO I ASK YOU...
- NEITHER DO I, SIR: I HAVEN"T BEEN IN JERUSALEM. I LEFT THIS CITY THIRTY YEARS AGO, AND DID ONLY ONCE COME BACK HERE TO TAKE MY GRAND-DAUGHTER, WHO BECAME THE ORPHAN, FROM ISRAEL.
- THAT"S CLEAR, BUT...
- AND SO I DON"T UNDERSTAND, WHAT ARE ALL YOUR QUESTIONS FOR.
- MISSIS BERNARDY, - MISTER THOMPSON WAS HARDLY TRYING TO SPEAK CALMLY. - THERE ARE SOME STRANGE THINGS... SOME STRANGE GOSSIPS COULD BE HEARD IN OUR CITY STREETS...
- GOSSIPS?
- PEOPLE SAY DIFFERENT THINGS... LIKE THAT YOUR GRAND-DAUGHTER DID... DID PREDICT HER PARENTS" DEATH IN A FEW DAYS BEFORE THE TRAGEDY...
- WHAT?! KEETHA?! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU REALLY THINK IT"S POSSIBLE? - OLD WOMAN WAS SO SHOCKED AND FRUSTRATED, THAT SHE NEARLY HELD BACK HYSTERICAL LAUGH.
- YES! - SUDDENLY SHOUTED MISSIS THOMPSON, NEARLY CRIED. - YES, WE THINK IT"S POSSIBLE! BECAUSE YOUR GRAND-DAUGHTER TODAY TOLD US THE EXACTLY THE SAME! SHE SAID WE WILL DIE THREE DAYS LATER! THAT"S WHAT SHE SAID!... SHE... SHE IS A MONSTER!...
SHE EXPLOIDED BY THE TEARS AND EMBRACED HUSBAND, WHO WAS HELPLESSLY TRYING TO CALM HER DOWN.
- LISTEN TO ME, MISSIS BERNARDY, - PRONOUNCED HE. - MY WIFE IS PREGNANT, AND KEETHA"S WORDS DID THROW HER INTO THE PANIC... OUR SON HEARD EVERYTHING SHE SAID TOO AND NOW HE IS FREAKY SCARED. WHAT, IN YOUR OPINION, I HAVE TO DO NOW?
- HOW COULD I ANSWER THIS QUESTION, SIR? - ASKED MISSIS BERNARDY. - I CAN"T KNOW IT. I CAN"T EVEN IMAGINE THAT KEETHA SUDDENLY SAID THESE WORDS. IT"S IMPOSSIBLE. AGUESS YOU ARE CONFUSING SOMETHING, MISTER THOMPSON.
- CONFUSING? - INSULTED, SHOUTED MISTER THOMPSON. - SO YOU WANNA SAY YOU DON"T BELIEVE ME? YOU THINK I HAVE INVENTED IT ALL?
- I DIDN"T SAY THAT YOU HAVE INVENTED IT ALL, - COLDLY ANSWERED OLD WOMAN. - BUT WOULD YOU BELIEVE ME, SIR, IF I WOULD SAY THAT YOUR SON HAS TOLD SUCH THINGS TO ME AND TO KEETHA?
MISTER THOMPSON BECAME SILENT AND JUST EMBRACED HIS WIFE TIGHTER.
- I SEE, - NODDED MISSIS BERNARDY, WATCHING THE COUPLE. - AND I THINK THAT RIGHT NOW IT"S BETTER FOR YOU TO LEAVE THIS PLACE. CALL YOUR SON BACK AND GO AWAY. PLEASE.
II
"I WAS ONLY SEVEN YEARS OLD. I COULDN"T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON AROUND ME. I COULDN"T UNDERSTAND. BUT I WAS SO SURE THAT I LOVED HER. I WAS SO SURE SHE WAS A PRINCESS FROM THE FAIRY-TALE. A MIRACLE GIRL. A MAGICIAN WHO WAS BORN TO MAKE ALL THE PEOPLE OF THE WORLD HAPPY. EVERYDAY AND EVERY MOMENT. I DID REALLY BELIEVE IN IT. BECAUSE I WAS A CHILD. FOOLISH AND FEELING SCARED BECAUSE OF HER WORDS. JUST BECAUSE OF HER WORDS. I DIDN"T THINK IT REALLY WAS A TRUTH. I JUST COULDN"T IMAGINE THERE ONCE WILL BE A DAY, WHEN ALL THE WORLD I WAS LIVING IN WILL BE DESTROYED IN THE RUINES. AND NOTHING COULD RESSURECT IT AND GIVE ME BACK THAT TIME. NEVER. THE ILLUSION HAS DIED. EVERYTHING HAS DIED. JUST LIKE IN THE NIGHTMARE.
IT HAPPENED IN 1990. AT 27TH OF AUGUST. ABOUT MIDNIGHT. I STILL WONDER WHY, BUT I REMEMBER EVERYTHING HAPPENED. JUST LIKE IF IT WAS THE EVENT OF THE PRESENT DAY. I CAN"T ERASE IT FROM MY MEMORY. EACH DETAIL, EACH COLOR AND SOUND ARE COMING BACK ALIVE INTO MY CONSCIOUSNESS. EVERY MINUTE. IT"S UNSTOPPABLE. THE WARM FRESH AIR. THE SILVER MOONLIGHT, FLOWING AROUND THE TOWN. THE NARROW SUBURB HIGHWAY. OUR FAMILY"S NEW BRIGHTLY BLUE RENAULT. MOTHER"S AND FATHER"S SMILES. THE SILENT SOUL-MUSIC FROM THE RADIO. A HIGH BRIDGE ABOVE THE SHINING RIVER. THEN - SUDDENLY - A PAINFULL KICK, THE NOISE OF THE TOUGHLY STOPPING BY THE ROAD CAR WHEELS, AND WHOLE THE ETERNITY OF THE EMPTINESS, WHEN EVERYTHING"S ALWAYS EXISTING AND SURROUNDING YOU, DISAPPEARS. ANOTHER ONE HIT - NO, NOT A HIT, BUT THE POWERFULL EXPLOISION. AFTER THAT - NOTHING. I"M LOSING MYSELF FOR THE ETERNITY. I DON"T EXIST ANYMORE. I"M JUST A DUST. NO. MUCH MORE LESS, THAN A DUST - I AM JUST A PART OF THE VACUUM. EVERYTHING"S DISAPPEARING. IT HAPPENS AGAIN AND AGAIN, EVERYTIME I CLOSE MY EYES. NO LIGHT, NO DARKNESS. NO COLD, NO WARMTH. NO SILENCE, NO NOISE. NO LIFE, NO DEATH. ONLY HER FACE. HER EYES. HER VOICE, SOUNDING LIKE THE SONG OF THE MYSTICAL BIRD, BRINGING THE DISASTER ON THE WINGS. HER TOYS. HER SMELL. HER TANNED VELVET SKIN. KEETHA IS A GOD. KEETHA IS A UNIVERSE. SHE IS THE ONLY ONE ALIVE WITHIN THIS UNIVERSE. I MUST FIND HER. I MUST FIND HER. I MUST FIND HER. IMUSTFINDHER IMUSTFINDHER IMUSTFINDHER IMUSTFINDHER IMUSTFINDHER...OTHERWISE I WILL DIE.
THIS IS THE LASTEST PAGE OF MY DIARY. NICO DORIAN THOMPSON.
19TH OF JANUARY, 2006.
THE BIG OLD HOUSE FAR FROM THE STREET OF ESHIBOTE".
***
"IT WAS THE 19TH OF JANUARY OF THIS YEAR, THE DAY, COLD AS THE HEART OF KAIN, AS THE HAND OF SATAN. THE MORNING RELIGION SERVE HAS JUST BEGUN, WHEN THE YOUNG GIRL SUDDENLY APPEARED, AS A FLESHLESS GHOST, AT THE CHURCH DOORS. SHE WAS WHITE AS A SNOW AND SHIVERING, LIKE THE FLAME OF THE CANDLE UNDER THE WIND. I HAVE NEVER SEEN HER IN THE TOWN BEFORE AND I THOUGHT FIRSTLY THAT SHE WAS A JESUS"S HOLY ANGEL, WHO CAME TO ALL THE CHRISTIANS WITH A BLESSED MESSAGE. LOOKING AT HER AND WONDERING, HOW FREAKY TIRED AND TORMENTED SHE WAS, I REALIZED THAT HER WAY FROM THE SKIES TO THE EARTH HAS BEEN LONGER THAN MILLION OF HUMAN LIFES, DANGEROUS AND HARD, BUT SHE HAS REACHED TO THE TRUE BELIEVERS. SO I DID KEEP ON WATCHING HER. SHE CAME TO THE SAINT ICONS, FELL DOWN HER KNEES, KISSED THE CRUSIFICTION ON HER NECK AND WHISPERED THE ANGEL"S SONG: "THE SAINT GOD, THE SAINT TOUGH, THE SAINT IMMORTAL". THEN SHE SUDDENLY DID BROKE HER OWN PRAYER AND SILENTLY PRONOUNCED: "FATHER OUR, WHO IS IN THE SKY, LET YOUR NAME TO BE SAINT, LET YOUR KINGDOM TO COME, LET YOUR WILL TO BE ON THE EARTH LIKE IN THE SKY... FORGIVE TO US OUR SINS". BUT AFTER THAT SHE IMMEDIATELY, LIKE A LIGHTNING, ROSE UP ON HER FEET FROM THE FLOOR, HARDLY HOLDING BACK THE TEARS, AND SQUEEZED THE CRUSIFICTION ON HER NECK, LIKE IF SHE WANTED TO PULL IT AWAY FROM THE CHAIN. I GOT WORRIED FOR HER AND ASKED HER, IF SHE NEEDED A HELP, BLESSING HER BY THE HOLY CROSS. AND THAT"S WHAT SHE ANSWERED ME, IN THE VOICE SO RUDE AND TOUGH, THAT I, BEGGING THE GOD ABOUT A STRENGTH, DECIDED AT FIRST, THAT SHE WAS MAD OR RULED BY THE LUCIFER"S DEMONES: "I AM NOT CHRISTIAN - I DON"T KNOW YOUR HOLY PRAYERS, AND YOUR JESUS CHRIST DOESN"T SPEAK MY LANGUAGE. I AM NOT JEW, BECAUSE THE JEWS FORCED ME TO GET AWAY FROM THE STREET OF ESHIBOTE . I AM NOBODY. I AM NOTHING. WITHOUT HIM. I"M TALKING ABOUT A GOD, BUT NOT YOUR GOD, FATHER. I BELONG TO ANOTHER ONE GOD. THAT ONE WHO IS STILL CRAWLING SOMEWHERE AROUND THE WORLD. I KNOW I"M A SINNER. I KNOW YOU WOULD PASS THROUGH ALL THE EPITIMIAS, IF IT WOULD GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO DESTROY EVERYTHING WHAT I AM NOW. AND SO, PLEASE, DAMN ME, FATHER. DAMN ME, BUT SWEAR TO ME BEFORE, THAT HE WILL FIND ME. THAT HE WILL FIND ME..."
***
- THATHEWILLFINDME, - LOSING THE BREATH LIKE IF THE AIR WAS FILLED BY THE TOXIC POISON, WHISPERED SHE, SQUEEZING THE CRUSIFICATION BY THE DYING BECAUSE OF DEADLY FROST FINGERS. - SOME DAY...
- GOD WILL BLESS YOU, MY CHILD, - STARTED A PRIEST, WAVING UP THE THREE FINGERS TO CROSS THE GIRL, BUT SHE DIDN"T GIVE HIM THE TIME TO END THE HOLY RITUAL.
- NO, - DENIED SHE AND MADE A STEP BACK, LIKE IF THE EARTH UNDER HER FEET GOT COVERED BY THE DEEP SCRATCHES, FILLED BY THE LIQUID FIRE, LICKING THE BLACK CLOTHES OF THE OLD PRIEST. - SAINT GOD, SAINT TOUGH, SAINT IMMORTAL... DO YOU KNOW WHAT HIS BLESSING REALLY IS, FATHER? DO YOU KNOW WHAT DO FEEL THOSE ONES WHO WERE BLESSED BY HIM? THEY STAY ALIVED, BUT THEY ARE CALLING THE DEATH, JUST LIKE THE SCARED CHILD IS CALLING HIS MOTHER. THEY ALL ARE DOOMED.
HER WORDS TURNED THE PRIEST INTO THE SILENCE: HIS FRIGHTENED GLASS SIGHT, THE MOVELESS BECAUSE OF THE GIRL"S NASTY HERETIC THOUGHTS FIGURE, BROKEN BREATH - EVERY SMALL FEATURE IN HIM SEEMED TO BE DAMAGED BY THE STRANGER, LIKE IF THE SAINT FATHER HAS BEEN READY TO MAKE HIMSELF BLIND, DEAF AND SPEECHLESS, TO PRICK OFF BY THE CHURCH DAGGER HIS EYES, TO CUT OFF THE EARS AND THE TONGUE NOT TO SEE, NOT TO HEAR DEVIL, AND NOT TO TALK TO HIM. A GIRL WAS MYSTICALLY READING THE WORDS OF THE CHRISTIAN EPITIMIA SAINT FATHER HAS BEEN CURSING HER BY DEEP IN HIS MIND, INSIDE HIS ALMOST HOLY INNOCENT HEART: "LET...ALL THE SORROWS...FIND THE GUARD...WHO DID LEAVE...HIS PRINCESS...LET HIS RIGHT EYE...TO LOSE THE EYESIGHT...AND LET HIS..."
- RIGHT HAND, - CONTINUED SHE IN A SILENT, FULL OF THE UNMASKED SADNESS AND HOPELESSNESS, VOICE, - TO BECOME DRIED... TO BECOME DRIED. TO BECOME DRIED. TOBECOMEDRIED.
AND THEN SHE LEFT, HIDING THE HANDS UNDER THE OLD WOOD SCARF AND NOT EVEN TRYING TO LOOK IN THE EYES OF THE PRIEST; SHE ONLY HEARD, HEARD NOT BY THE EARS, BUT BY THE HEART, THAT HE THREW FOUR SHORT WORDS IN HER BACK, LIKE THE FOUR NAILS FROM THE JESUS CHRIST"S BODY IN THE ORTHODOX CRUSIFICTIONS: "ANGEL TURNED INTO DEVIL".
***
SHE FELT LIKE IF THESE FOUR DAGGERS GOT FINALLY PRICKED DEEP IN HER FLESH AND OPENED FOUR POURING BY THE BOILING BLOOD WOUNDS: THE PRICKING KISSES OF THE JANUARY FROST, DESTROYNG THE SKIN, COVERING HER HUGE GREENISH EYES BY THE ICE, SQUEEZED HER FRAGILE BODY BY THE CHAINS. SHE DID SHUT THE HEAVY WOOD DOORS OF THE ORTHODOX CHURCH OF SAINT VIRGINIA, ALREADY LEFT BEHIND HER BACK, BUT SHE STILL HAS BEEN MOVELESSLY STANDING AT THE SAME PLACE, FORCING HERSELF TO MAKE A STEP FORWARD IN VAIN. THE SNOW. ALL THE STREET HAS BEEN BURIED BY THE WHITE MATERIA OF SNOW, UNSTOPPABLY FALLING AND FALLING FROM THE LOW WINTER SKY, LIKE THE HOLY GIFT OF THE GOD, PUT IN THE HANDS OF PEOPLE AT THIS MORNING FOR THE THOUSAND YEARS OF WARS AND THE SWEET LIE OF LUCIFER"S SERVANTS. LIKE THE BLESSING AGAIN... BUT KEETHA WAS SCARED. THERE WAS NOTHING IN WHOLE THE WORLD, IN THE SKY AND ON THE EARTH, THAT COULD SCARE HER MORE, THAN FROST AND THE SNOW. SHE FELT HERSELF LOCKED IN THE CELL ABOVE THE OPENED GATES OF HELL, BUT EVEN THE HEAT OF IT"S FIRES COULD WARM HER UP NEVERMORE.
- FATHER OUR, WHO IS IN THE SKIES, - WHISPERED KEETHA, SHIVERING AND NEARLY FALLING DOWN, OUT OF THE CONSCIOUSNESS, - LET YOUR NAME TO BE SAINT, LET YOUR KINGDOM TO COME, LET YOUR WILL TO BE... HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH...
THE STRANGE, ALMOST FORGOTTEN FOR THE SIXTEEN YEARS THE MUSIC OF THE MOTHER-LANGUAGE WAS SLOWLY KILLING HER: SHE SAW THE SAME PSYCHODELIC MAZE OF THE PICTURES AND IMAGES - THE COLD, THE UNSTOPPABLE ICE WINDS, RISING UP TO THE GLOOM CLOUDS AND WAVING ABOVE THE TOWN THE WHITE SNOWSTORMS, THE DEADLY PAIN INSIDE THE BODY, LIKE IF THE BLOOD TURNED INTO THE PIECES OF BROKEN GLASS, PRICKING THE SKIN AS A NEEDLES, THE TOUGH UNMELTING COVER OF THE ICE ON THE HANDS, ON THE FACE, EVERYWHERE... SILENCE, DARKNESS, LEVITATION, EMPTINESS... AND DEATH. DEATH. DEATH... ANOTHER ONE TURNING INTO THE ONE OF THE CORRIDORS OF THE MAZE, AND AFTER THE DEATH IS NOTHING BUT THE ORIGIN OF THE NEWEST TORTURE.
- SAVE AND KEEP AT SAFE! SAVE AND KEEP AT SAFE! SING THE GLORY TO THE GOD! SING THE GLORY TO THE GOD!
SINGTHEGLORYTOTHEGOD!...
KEETHA SUDDENLY SCREAMED SO LOUDLY THAT GOT FRIGHTENED BY THE SOUND OF HER OWN VOICE AND, LIKE AFTER THE PAINFUL HIT OF THE CHAIN ON THE NAKED BODY, LIKE ON THE PAIR OF HUGE BURNING WINGS, SHE RUSHED AWAY FROM THE CHURCH, SHINING BY THE GOLDEN CROSS UNDER THE INVISUABLE JANUARY SUN, DOWN THE STREET, SOMEWHERE, ANYWHERE, TRYING NOT LOOK UNDER HER FEET, AND FOR THESE MINUTES A GIRL FELT LIKE THE BLESSED CHILD WHO WAS WALKING BY THE WATER LIKE BY THE SOIL. SHE WAS RUNNING, CROSSING THE FALLEN IN THE DEEPEST COMATOSE SMALL NORTHERN TOWN, LIKE IF STILL TRYING TO RUNAWAY FROM THE DARK MEMORIES, FOLLOWING HER EVERYWHERE AND EVERYTIME - THERE WAS NO PLACE IN WHOLE THE WORLD WHERE KEETHA COULD FEEL AT SAFE OR HIDE FROM THE CONSCIOUSNESS, FROM HERSELF. THIS WINTER, SQUEEZING IN IT"S ICE HANDS WHOLE THE TOWN, WAS SO DEADLY FROST, THAT THE BRIDGES, THE STONE ROADS AND THE GREY WALLS OF THE BUILDINGS HAS BEEN TOTALLY COVERED BY THE THICK UNMELTING LAY OF THE SNOW, AND A GIRL, MOVING AS FASTER AS SHE ONLY COULD, FELT LIKE SHE WAS RUNNING BY THE FROZEN CRYSTALS OF ICE LIKE BY THE SHARP PIECES OF THE BROKEN GLASS; THE BLOOD WAS MADLY FLOWING IN HER VEINS AND THE HEART WAS NEARLY EXPLOIDING WITH THE BONES IN THE CHEST, BUT KEETHA WAS ANYWAY TOUCHED BY THE COLD POISONING PRICKS AND ALREADY REALIZED, THAT SHE WILL NEVER FEEL THE WARMTH AGAIN. SHE WAS RUNNING, FOLLOWING ONLY THE STRAIGHT DESTINATION, BUT SHE WAS ALMOST SURE THAT HER WAY WAS SLIDING, AS A SNAKE, BETWEEN THE HUNDREDS OF CROSSROADS, HIDDEN CORNERS AND LOST, NARROWER THAN A SERPANTINE RIBBONS, SIDES. SHE DIDN"T EVEN IMAGINE, HOW LONG WAS HER ESCAPE - ONE MINUTE OR TWENTY HOURS - AND ONLY ORDERED HERSELF NOT TO STOP EVEN FOR THE HALF OF THE SECOND, NOT TO LOOK DOWN UNDER THE FEET, NOT TO LOOK ANYWHERE BUT STRAIGHTLY FORWARD: SHE FELT, LIKE THE WILD ANIMALS DO ALWAYS FEEL THE DANGER, THAT ANY OF THE SMALLEST UNNOTICABLE MISTAKES WILL TURN INTO THE DISASTER. BUT THE RHYTM OF HER HEARTBEATING ALREADY HAS STARTED TO DESTROY, ALMOST STOPPING AT ALL OR PUSHING THE BLOOD IN THE VEINS SO FAST THAT THE PULSE UNDER THE SKIN SEEMED TO BE JUST THE NOISE, THE MIXTURE OF MILLION LOUD SOUNDS, SIMILAR WITH THE NOISE OF THE SEASTORM, AND KEETHA ALREADY COULDN"T ALMOST BREATHE, SEEING AND HEARING NOTHING AROUND HERSELF. SHE SEEMED TO BE PAINFULLY AND SLOWLY DYING IN HER OWN MIND, AND REALIZED THAT SHE ALREADY COULDN"T STOP MOVING. BUT THIS STRANGE TORTURE, CATCHING A GIRL IN THE NET SOMEWHERE BETWEEN THE REALITY AND THE ILLUSION, SUDDENLY ENDED RIGHT NEXT MOMENT: KEETHA JUST DID SLIGHTLY, LIKE IN THE DREAM, FEEL, HOW QUICKLY, ALMOST INVINCIBLY, THE EARTH WAS SLIDING OUT UNDER THE FEET AND THE BODY WAS LOSING IT"S WEIGHT, TURNING INTO THE SNOWFLAKE, THE ATOM OF THE FRESHING AIR. THIS FEELING HAD IT"S POWER ABOVE KEETHA FOR THREE OR FOUR SECONDS, AND AFTER IT, WHEN THIS TIME WAS OUT, SHE HEAVILY, LIKE A STONE, FELL DOWN ON THE SHARP ICE A NARROW RIVER UNDER THE SNOWY BRIDGE HAS BEEN TORGED IN, CRACKED IT"S COVER AND WITH A BORNING FEAR FELT THE PRICKS OF THE COLD WATER, MOMENTLY TOUCHED HER SKIN THROUGH THE OLD WOOD CLOTHES AND STARTED TO PULL KEETHA DOWN TO THE ICE BOTTOM, PREVENTING HER TO MOVE AND EVEN TO MAKE A SOUND. WAS THERE THOUGH SOMEBODY ON THE TOWN STREET AT THAT MORNING? THERE WAS. WAS THERE THOUGH SOMEBODY ON THE TOWN STREET AT THAT MORNING, WHO WOULD TRY TO SAVE THE LIFE OF THE HOMELESS JEWISH GIRL? NO. WAS IT THE END? YES. IT WAS THE END. IT HAD TO BE THE END... BUT IT WAS THE NEWEST TORTURE, ACHIEVING KEETHA AFTER ANOTHER ONE OF HER DEATHS.
III
SORROW. FEAR. PAIN. DESTRUCTION. STOP. FALLING. LEVITATION. WEAKNESS. HOPELESSNESS. SILENCE. DARKNESS. DEATH. AND THE BEGINNING OF THE NEXT LIFE. THE NEXT TORTURE. THE NEXT RUN WITHIN THIS CIRCLE. THE NEXT TRYING TO BREAK IT. THE NEXT FAIL. THE NEXT BEGINNING OF THE END.
***
KEETHA WOKE UP BECAUSE OF THE WEAK GOLDISH LIGHT, SHINING RIGHT IN HER FACE, LIKE THE RAYS OF THE FORGOTTEN SUN OF ISRAEL. SHE SUDDENLY REALIZED SHE WAS LYING ON THE SOFT WARM BED IN THE UNKNOWN ROOM OF THE UNKNOW HOUSE SHE HAS NEVER BEEN IN; SHE GOT SCARED AND IMMEDIATELY TRIED TO STAND UP, BUT THE NEXT MOMENT SHE, DISFIGURING HER FACE BECAUSE OF THE ITCHING PAIN IN ALL THE BODY: SHE HAS STILL BEEN TOO WEAK TO MOVE AS FREELY AS SHE DID PRESENT MORNING. MORNING, IT ALL HAPPENED AT MORNING, BUT WHAT TIME WAS IT NOW? KEETHA CAREFULLY LOOKED AROUND THE ROOM; THE WINDOW, SLIGHTLY HIDDEN BY THE SNOW-WHITE AND LIGHTER THAN THE AIR CURTAINS, HAS BEEN ALREADY COLORED BY THE DARK-BLUE EVENING TWILIGHT - SO SHE SPENT IN THIS PLACE, NO MATTER, WHAT IT REALLY WAS AND WHO IT REALLY BELONGED TO, ABOUT TWELVE HOURS. IT ONLY DID MULTIPLY KEETHA"S SILENT FEAR: THE ROOM SHE"S BEEN LEFT IN WAS THE RICHEST AND THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ONE FROM ALL THE OTHER SHE HAS SOMEWHEN SEEN - IT COULDN"T BELONG TO ANYBODY WHO SOMEWHEN KNEW AND ESPECCIALLY CARED ABOUT HER, AND IT EVEN HAD NO MEANING, HAS A GIRL STILL BEEN AT THE TOWN OF HER GRANDMOTHER DEENA BERNARDY OR HAS SHE BEEN TRANSPORTED BY SOMEBODY BACK TO ISRAEL, WHILE SHE WASN"T IN THE CONSCIOUSNESS. SUDDENLY A SILENT SHARP SOUND OF THE SLOWLY OPENING WOOD DOOR BROKE EACH OF HER THOUGHTS, AND NEXT MOMENT, HOLDING A BIG TEA CUP WITH THE SPINNING ABOVE IT AROMATE STEAM, A YOUNG MAN OF THE SAME AGE WITH KEETHA ENTERED THE ROOM. SLENDER, FRAGILE, ALMOST FEMALE, BUT SEEMED TO BE TOUGH AND PROTECTING, LIKE THE SHIELD, FIGURE, PALE BEAUTIFUL FACE, DARK-BLUE, LIKE THE EVENING SKY, EYES, SOFT, SHY AND TEMPTATING AT THE SAME TIME SMILE - IN SPITE OF SIXTEEN YEARS OF THE PARTING, FOR KEETHA THE ONLY ONE SIGHT WAS ENOUGH TO RECOGNIZE HIM.
- NICO? - ASKED SHE SURPRISINGLY, STILL TRYING TO BELIEVE IT WASN"T ANOTHER ONE FROM HER MAD SENCELESS ILLUSIONS. - IS IT...
- OF COURSE, - ANSWERED HE WITH A SMILE. - OF COURSE, IT"S ME, KEETHA. NICO THOMPSON. I"M HAPPY TO LEARN YOU STILL DO REMEMBER ME.
- STILL DO REMEMBER, - REPEATED A GIRL WITH THE UNMASKED EXCITEMENT. - DON"T EVER SAY THESE WORDS ONCE MORE: I WOULD ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU. EVEN IF WE WOULD NEVER FIND EACH OTHER. EVEN IF YOU WOULDN"T RECOGNIZE ME IN THE STREETS... I WOULD NEVER FORGET YOU.
- I KNOW, - THOUGHTFULLY NODDED NICO AND ADDED. - I SWORE TO GOD TO GIVE MY LIFE FOR THE DAY WHEN WE MEET AGAIN. FOR THIS DAY. I"M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU, KEETHA... THE SIXTEEN YEARS WITHOUT YOU WERE A HELL TORMENT.
- I NEARLY DIED THIS MORNING, - WHISPERED A GIRL, STARING AT HIM LIKE AN APOSTLE STARES AT HIS IDOL. - YOU SAVED MY LIFE... THERE ARE NO ACCEPTABLE WORDS IN THIS LANGUAGE TO LET ME THANK YOU...
NICO, TENDERLY SMILED, FINALLY CAME IN A FEW STEPS CLOSER AND, GIVING KEETHA A CUP OF HOT, LIKE A FIRE, TEA, SAT DOWN NEXT TO HER ON THE BED. SHE MADE A SMALL CAREFULL DRINK FROM THE CUP AND THANKFULLY NODDED: THE TEA FINALLY PRESENTED HER THE PRECIOUS DROPS OF THE WARMTH. HOLDING HER HAND, STILL COLD, LIKE THE HAND OF THE CORPSE, A YOUNG MAN WAS DISCOVERING KEETHA, TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING LEFT IN HER IMAGE FROM THAT BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL FROM THE STREET OF ESHIBOTE, BUT COULD RECOGNIZE NOTHING. HER TANNED SOFT SKIN, MULTIPLYING THE BEAUTY OF ALL THE JEWISH WOMEN, WAS WHITE-BLUE AND DRY, LIKE THE PETAL OF THE DEAD FLOWER, - BECAUSE OF IT GIRL"S BODY SEEMED TO BE TORGED IN THE ICE SCULPTURE. THE HAIR, BEEN SOMEWHEN DARKER THAN THE DARKEST OF THE NIGHTS, NOW WAS GREY, LIKE POURED BY THE ASH, AND SO LONG THAT IT SEEMED LIKE KEETHA COULD HIDE HERSELF IN IT, LIKE IN THE COCONE... BUT THE SCARIEST DETAIL IN HER STRANGE GLOOM IMAGE WAS HER EYES, TORMENTED, MUDDY, CROSSED BY THE TENS OF TINY BLOODNETS, KEETHA"S EYES WERE THE EYES OF THE OLDEST OF THE WOMEN ON THE FACE OF A YOUNG GIRL, AND IT"S SHARP, DULL AND SHARP, GLASS AND EXCITED AT THE SAME TIME, WAS ENDLESSLY PRICKING BY THE PAIN AND THE UNEXPLAINABLE FEAR, LIKE THE EYES OF THE CHILD, WHO HAS BEEN ALIVE, FULLFILLED BY THE HAPPINNESS, AND NEXT MOMENT DIED RIGHT ON YOUR ARMS. NICO WAS SILENTLY FORCING HIMSELF NOT TO LOOK AT THESE EYES, BUT HE COULD NOT - IT FELT LIKE EVERY TINY CELL OF KEETHA"S FLESH HAS BEEN SHINING BY THE MAGNETIC LIGHT, ORDERING HIM NOT TO TAKE HIS SIGHT OUT OF HER.
- HOW DID YOU LIVE THESE SIXTEEN YEARS? - IN A SILENT WHISPER ASKED NICO. - WHO YOU WERE?
KEETHA SADLY SMILED.
- WHO I WAS... I HAD NO NATIONALITY. I HAD NO RELIGION. I HAD NOTHING. I WAS NOBODY. NICO, YOU... YOU ARE THE ONLY REASON I STILL BREATHE. NOT BECAUSE YOU HELPED ME TO GET OUT FROM THE ICE WATER THIS MORNING... BUT BECAUSE I WAS ALIVE JUST BY THE ONE MANIACAL DREAM - TO FIND YOU. ANYTIME. ANYWHERE. BUT TO FIND... I WAS LOOKING FOR YOU AT THE QUEEN"S PROSPECT IN THE CENTER OF THIS TOWN, WHERE WE ALWAYS MET EARLIER, DO YOU REMEMBER? AND I WAS LOOKING FOR YOU AT THE STREET OF ESHIBOTE IN THE JEWISH GHETTO, WHERE MY GRANDMOTHER TOOK ME SOMEWHEN. BUT AT BOTH OF THOSE PLACES PEOPLE JUST FORCED ME TO GET AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK. THEY SAID...
- THEY SAID YOU WERE A MURDERED, - NICO FINISHED WITH THESE WORDS INSTEAD OF HER. - I REMEMBER EVERYTHING. YOU"VE HAD A LIFE IN THE SEVEN RINGS OF HELL.
- I ONLY WANTED TO UNDERSTAND, - THOUGHTFULLY, LOOKING SOMEHOW THROUGH THE YOUNG MAN AND THROUGH THE AIR, SLOWLY AND MELODICALLY, LIKE THE MOTIVE OF THE SIMPLE NATURAL SONG, PRONOUNCED KEETHA, - WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO PAY FOR THE SINS I"VE NEVER MADE... WHY DO I HAVE TO RESPONCE IN FRONT OF STRANGERS AND THEIR STRANGE GOD FOR THE THINGS I COULD NEVER CONTROL? I"VE NEVER BEEN DRAWING, I"VE ALWAYS BEEN JUST WATCHING, SEPARATED FROM THOSE PICTURES BY THE INVINCIBLE GLASS WALL, AND SO... I COULD CHANGE NOTHING. NO MATTER, HOW DO I ALWAYS WISH TO CHANGE IT... I... I CAN"T SPEAK ABOUT IT ANYMORE... I"M SO SORRY... ABOUT YOUR PARENTS... YOUR LITTLE SISTER WHO WASN"T BORN...
SHE WAS HARDLY TRYING TO HOLD BACK THE TEARS, AND THE TOUCH OF NICO"S HAND ALREADY COULDN"T GIVE HER EVEN A SLIGHT SHADOW OF SUPPORT AND HELP. YOUNG MAN WAS SQUEEZING HER HAND AND FELT LIKE IF HE WAS SQUEEEZING THE PIECE OF UNMELTING ICE, POISONING BY THE DEADLY COLD NOT ONLY HIS BODY, BUT HIS HEART.
- YES, - ANSWERED NICO, HARDLY BREATHING AND HANGING THE HEAD; HE WAS REALLY SINCERELY SPEAKING WITH HER AT THESE MOMENTS, BUT ANYWAY FELT SCARED OF ANY OCCASSIONAL SIGHT IN HER BLOODY TORMENTED EYES, RUSHING INSIDE EACH OF THE CORNERS OF HIS SOUL. - IT WAS SO HARD TO GO ON THROUGH THOSE DAYS... EXACTLY AS HARD AS TO DENY EVERYTHING, STILL EXISTED AROUND YOURSELF, TO CLOSE YOUR EYES AND TO DIE.
- THEN TELL ME, - DID BEG KEETHA. - TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT THESE SIXTEEN TEARS. I MUST KNOW...
NICO LOOKED AT A GIRL WITH HIS SHARP PIERCING SIGHT AND MADE A DEEP BREATH, LIKE IF HE WAS TRYING TO DARE TO SPEAK.
- PEOPLE SAID IT WAS A MIRACLE THAT I STAYED ALIVE AFTER THAT DISASTER. WHEN I THINK ABOUT MY PARENTS" DEATH, I CAN REMEMBER ONLY THE FIRE AND THE DARKNESS. EVEN NOW I HATE IT. HATE BECAUSE I"M AFRAID. AFTER THE FUNERAL MY UNCLE, WHO WAS LIVING IN A TOWN IN TWO HUNDRER KILOMETRES AWAY FROM HERE, ADOPTED ME. HE LIVED ALONE AND WAS ALL DROWNED IN THEOLOGY. SOMETIMES I THINK HE DIDN"T LOVE OUR RELIGION AT ALL, BUT HE ONLY LOVED TO LEARN, HOW PEOPLE WERE INVENTING RELIGION. YOUR GRANDMOTHER WAS AGAINST HIM...
- MY GRANDMOTHER, - KEETHA SQUEEZED THE FINGERS SO STRONGLY, THAT THE TEA CUP IN HER HANDS NEARLY GOT BROKEN IN PIECES, - WAS A BETRAYER... AFTER IT... IT ALL... SHE DIDN"T LET ME TO ENTER THE HOUSE... SHE ORDERED ME TO GO AWAY AND SAID SHE WOULD KILL ME, IF I SOMEWHEN COME BACK... AND WHEN I SAID IT ALL WASN"T MY FAULT... NO... N-NO...SHE WAS EXACTLY LIKE ALL THOSE BUSTARDS WHO TERRORIZED ME AT THIS TOWN... BECAUSE OF THE FEAR.
- YES, - NODDED NICO. - EVERYTHING HAPPENS BECAUSE OF THE FEAR.
KEETHA DID BITE HER DRY THIN LIPS UNTIL THE BLOOD APPEARED ON IT AND COULD ANSWER NICO ONLY AFTER A LONG HEAVY PAUSE:
- I"M SURE YOUR UNCLY WAS A GOOD MAN...
- I STILL CAN"T DECIDE, - NICO"S VOICE WAS NOW SOUNDING LIKE FROM THE INSIDE OF KEETHA"S HEAD AND WAS POURING OUT OF HER HEART, SO SHE JUST COULDN"T NOT TO HEAR IT. - CAN"T DETERMINE, WAS HE REALLY GOOD OR BAD... BUT HE HELPED ME TO UNDERSTAND A LOT OF IMPORTANT THINGS. ABOUT OUR LIFE... HE DID LET ME LEARN IT ON MY OWN...
- THIS IS SO SCARY, - SUDDENLY PRONOUNCED KEETHA IN THE EMPTINESS; SHE WAS SPEAKING, LIKE IF HER THROAT WAS FULLFILLED BY THE COTTON WOOL, AND THE SIGHT OF HER INFLAMMATED EYES BECAME GLASS, LIKE BLINDED BY THE ARTIFICIAL LIGHT, POURED IN THE ROOM.
- SCARY? - REPEATED NICO, AND SHE ANSWERED, BUT IT SEEMED TO BE THE ANSWER TO HERSELF, NOT TO HIM.
- YES. SCARY. IF YOU LEARNED THESE THINGS TOO EARLY. AND SO UNDERSTOOD AND ACCEPTED IT WRONGLY.
- IT WASN"T TOO EARLY, - DECLINED A YOUNG MAN, LOOKING AT KEETHA"S BODY, LIKE IF THERE WAS A SIGN HE NEEDED, BURNED ON HER DECOMPOSING SKIN. - IT ALL HAPPENED EXACTLY AT THE RIGHT TIME. DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU ONE STORY?
THEIR SIGHTS MET NEXT MOMENT; KEETHA"S EYES SEEMED TO BE MELTING BECAUSE OF THE TEARS, SILENTLY FLOWING DOWN FROM HER FACE AND SHINING IN THE COLD DEAD LIGHT - SHE WAS CRYING AND DIDN"T EVEN REALIZE IT, BUT HER VOICE WAS BECOMING WEAKER AND DEAFER, LIKE IF A GIRL WAS FLYING FURTHER AWAY:
- I DO... I REALLY DO.
- IT HAPPENED TWO YEARS LATER AFTER THE CAR CRASH, WHEN I WAS NINE. MY UNCLE USUALLY DIDN"T LET ME TO READ HIS BOOKS: HE SAID THAT ONLY HE COULD DECIDE, WHEN I"LL BE READY TO ACCEPT THE HOLY BIBLE. I DIDN"T ARGUE WITH HIM, BUT MANY TIMES I"VE HEARD HIM DISCLAIMING AND INSULTING THE CHRISTIAN RELIGION AND CHURCH, SO I DIDN"T BELIEVE HIM. AND ONE DAY I DECIDED TO STEAL THE BIBLE FROM THE BOOKCASE IN HIS CABINET. I DID IT WHEN HE HASN"T BEEN AT HOME. I READ THE NEW TESTAMENT AND I WAS SO INSPIRED BY THE STORY ABOUT JESUS CHRIST"S WALKING BY THE WATER. ALL THE PEOPLE I MET AT THAT TIME TOLD ME THAT MY SALVATION WAS A MIRACLE AND THAT GOD BLESSED ME. SO I DECIDED TO TRY TO DO THE SAME - TO WALK BY THE WATER LIKE BY THE SOIL...
- THIS MORNING I THOUGHT I WAS DOING THE SAME, - ADDED KEETHA, HELPLESSY AND WITH THE IMMORTAL FEAR TRYING TO REMEMBER THAT ESCAPE FROM THE CHURCH OF THE SAINT VIRGINIA. - I REALLY BELIEVED I"M RUNNING BY THE WATER, LIKE A GOD, BUT IT WAS FALSE. WATER, SNOW, ICE, RIME - IT"S ALL THE SAME... AND IT ALL SCARES...
- SCARES, - SILENTLY REPEATED NICO AND AGREED. - YES. I"M SCARED OF IT TOO. SINCE THAT DAY. STILL SHOCKED, I CAME TO THE SMALL LAKE, HIDDEN BEHIND UNCLE"S HOUSE, AND TRIED TO MAKE MY FIRST STEPS BY THE WATER. I WAS REALLY HARDLY IMAGINING, HOW I WAS WALKING BY THE WAVES, I CLOSED MY EYES AND I FELT... I FELT ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT I HAVE BEEN SAINT FOR THOSE SECONDS. I FORGOT THAT I NEVER COULD SWIM. EVERYTHING GOT BROKEN NEXT MOMENT, WHEN I FINALLY OPENED MY EYES AGAIN - I WISHED TO SEE THE PEOPLE, ADMIRING AND BLESSING ME, BUT I SAW NOTHING BUT THE DESERT STONE BEACH AROUND THE LAKE... AND THE WAVY LINE OF THE COLD WATER, ALREADY ACHIEVING MY NECK. I STILL REMEMBER, HOW FRIGHTENED I WAS: THE ILLUSION OF THE MIRACLE IS ALWAYS THE REALITY OF THE FEAR... I KNOW... I SCREAMED AND FELL DOWN, TOUCHING THE BOTTOM AND UNDERSTANDING, THAT I COULDN"T STAND UP ON MY FEET AND COULDN"T MOVE TO THE LAND. AND THIS IS EVERYTHING MY MEMORY KEPT ABOUT THIS UNHAPPENED TRAGEDY... IT HAPPENED EXACTLY LIKE WITH YOU THIS MORNING: I DON"T REMEMBER ALMOST ANYTHING...
- BUT THE FEAR, - REALIZED THE SENCE OF HIS STORY KEETHA AND STRANGELY SMILED; IT SEEMED TO BE THE SMILE OF THE HANGMAN, WATCHING THE EXECUTION OF THE INNOCENT TORMENTER. - WE"RE OUR FEARS.
- FEARS...
NICO"S LIPS AND FINGERS, HOT, LIKE A FIRE, AND INFLAMMATED, WERE SHIVERING: THE MEMORIES WERE KILLING HIM LIKE A BULLETS.
- WHAT HAS HAPPENED AFTER YOU"VE BEEN SAVED? - ASKED KEETHA, STILL SMILING AND WISHING TO PIERCE IN THE BOY"S CONSCIOUSNESS DEEPER THAN EACH OF THE FEARS AND EACH OF THE MEMORIES. - WHAT DID YOUR UNCLE TELL YOU?
- HE TOLD ME A LOT, - FRUSTRATEDLY PRONOUNCED NICO. - HE ALWAYS TOLD ME A LOT ABOUT RELIGION, ABOUT BELIEF... NO. ABOUT ONLY LIFE AND DEATH. HE SAID: "LIKE THE GOD DOESN"T HEAR THE MILLION OF PRAYERS, EXACTLY THE SAME WAY YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL WILL NOT ALWAYS RUSH TO SAVE YOUR LIFE. YOU DON"T KNOW, WHAT GOD REALLY IS. GOD IS A CRUELTY AND GOD IS COMPASSION. GOD IS CREATION AND GOD IS DESTRUCTION". SO I ASKED HIM: "THEN GOD REALLY IS EVERYTHING, ISN"T HE?". AND HE ANSWERED ME: "NO. GOD IS A HARMONY. AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT DOES HARMONY MEAN? HARMONY MEANS THAT, IF YOU HAVE BEEN SAVED FROM THE DEATH ONE TIME, THEN NEXT TIME YOU WILL DIE, AND NOTHING WILL PROTECT YOU". ISN"T IT FREAKY, KEETHA? NOTHING AND NOBODY COULD SCARE THE WORLD MORE THAN A GOD.
- I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT A GOD, - SILENTLY ANSWERED A GIRL. - I ONLY KNOW THAT NOBODY IN WHOLE THE WORLD COULD BE SCARED MORE THAN A MAN WHO DOESN"T HAVE A GOD...
- WE... SEEM TO BE SO DIFFERENT, KEETHA, - WHISPERED NICO, EMBRACING A GIRL"S SHOULDERS AND SQUEEZING HER CLOSER TO HIS BODY; HE WAS LOOKING AT HER WITH A STRANGE UNNATURAL SIGHT OF THE MAD, SHIVERING AND BITING THE CRIMSON LIPS, LIKE IF HE WANTED TO KISS AND TO HIT HER AT THE SAME TIME. - BUT REALLY WE ARE THE SAME... WE ARE TWO PARTS OF THE SAME ONE... TWO EYES OF THE SAME FACE...
- NO, - SUDDENLY DENIED KEETHA, CAREFULLY HOLDING HIS SOFT LIGHT HAND AND TOUCHING HIS VELVET SKIN. - WE ARE LIKE TWO SIDES OF THE ONE MOON... SHINING AND HIDDEN IN THE GLOOM. BUT I STILL HOPE WE"LL ONCE CAN SEE EACH OTHER.
NICO WAS SILENTLY LOOKING AT HER, LIKE A GENIUS IS LOOKING AT HIS NEWBORN MASTERPIECE, AND ONLY ANSWERED HER AFTER A LONG PAUSE, CHANGING THE TOPIC OF THE CONVERSATION:
- I HOPE YOU WILL FEEL MUCH BETTER VERY SOON. IF YOU WANT TO TAKE A HOT BATHROOM - IT"S ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
IV
LONG AND DARK, LIKE THE POISONED SNAKE, CORRIDOR, LEADING TO NOWHERE, SEEMED TO BE THE LAST ROAD FROM THE LIFE TO DEATH - SILENT, HARD AND FRIGHTNING. KEETHA WAS ALMOST SURE SHE SPENT WHOLE THE ETERNITY, WALKING STEP BY STEP IN THE UNKNOWN DESTINATION, BETWEEN TWO BLACK WALLS, ALL DECORATED BY THE OLD ICONS - IT"S GOLDISH FRAMES WERE SPARKING IN THAT GLOOM, LIKE THE EYES OF THE THOUSANDS OF BATS, WAITING THERE FOR THE NIGHT. AGAIN. THE SHARP, UNNATURALLY BRIGHT, FLASH OF THE ARTIFICIAL LIGHT IN THE BATHROOM NEARLY MADE THE GIRL BLIND AND FORCED HER TO GET SQUEEZED, LIKE BECAUSE OF THE COLD AND FEAR AT THE SAME TIME - SHE FELT LIKE SHE WAS DAMAGED BY THE POWERFULL UNEXPECTABLE ELECTRIC HIT IN THE EVERY CELL OF HER BODY. HELPLESSLY ORDERING HERSELF NOT TO SHIVER AND NOT TO FEEL SCARED ANYMORE, KEETHA STOOD NEXT TO THE OPENED DOOR AND SLOWLY LOOKED AROUND THE BATHROOM IN NICO"S HOUSE. IT WAS HUGE AND WHITE, MORE WHITE THAN THE SNOW, THAN THE FUNERAL MATERIALS ON THE BREATHLESS CORPSE... EVEN MORE WHITE THAN THE INNOCENCE AND VIRGINITY. KEETHA WISHED TO CLOSE HER EYES, TO PROTECT IT BY THE PALMS, BUT SHE COULDN"T: SOMETHING STRANGELY FORCED HER TO OPEN IT WIDER AND TO LOOK AT THIS BLINDINGLY COLORED WALLS AND FLOOR - SHE FELT LIKE IF SHE HAS SUDDENLY APPEARED IN THE HELL AT WINTER.
(WHAT IS WRONG? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU NOW? YOU MUSTN"T FEEL THE FEAR! YOU MUSTN"T FEEL THE FEAR!)
(I AM SCARED I AM SCARED I AM SCARED IAMSCARED IAMSCARED!!!)
(YOUMUSTN"TFEELTHEFEAR IAMSCARED YOUMUSTN"TFEELTHEFEAR IAMSCARED YOUMUSTN"TFEELTHEFEAR IAM SCARED STOP!!!)
KEETHA POWERFULLY DID SHAKE HER HEAD, TRYING TO MAKE THE SCREAMING INSIDE OF HER PARANOIC THOUGHTS RUSH AWAY FROM HER, LEAVE HER, LIKE THE GREY BIRDS ALWAYS LEAVE THE FROZEN LAND UNTIL THE SNOWS WON"T MELT AWAY UNDER THE SUNRAYS. THE BLOOD POURED TO HER FACE, FINALLY BRINGING TO IT HEALTHY NATURAL COLOR, BUT IT STRANGELY LOOKED LIKE IF KEETHA WAS BURNING UNDER THE SKIN BECAUSE OF THE DEADLY FREAKY DISEASE, SO ORGANICALLY BEFORE THIS RESSURECTION WAS IN THAT YOUNG JEWISH GIRL.
(I AM SCARED OF NOTHING I AM SCARED OF NOTHING I AM SCARED OF NOTHING IAMSCAREDOFNOTHING!!!... HEAVENLY FATHER, I AM SO SCARED!!!)
SHE MADE ANOTHER ONE MOVING, TOUGH, SUDDEN AND PAINFULL, LIKE THE MOVING OF THE PRICKING BY THE POISONED NEEDLES AND DECOMPOSING HAND
(HEAVENLY FATHER, FALLEN ANGEL, AVE MARIA - ANYBODY, PLEASE, SAVE ME!!!) AND QUICKLY CLOSED HER EYES, LIKE IN FRONT OF THE PHOSPHORUS FLASH OF THE LIGHT. FOR A MOMENT SHE HAS BEEN SURROUNDED BY NOTHING, BY THE PHANTASTIC SUPERNATURAL EMPTINESS, MORE DESTRUCTIVE THAN VACUUM, THAN BLINDNESS, AFTER THAT NOT LOUD, BUT PIERCING INTO THE EARS SOUND OF THE MURMURING WATER BROKE THIS HALF-REALITY. KEETHA OPENED HER EYES AND STARED AT THE SNOWHITE BATH, WHICH BOTTOM SEEMED TO BE SPARKING BECAUSE OF THE WATER.
(WATER IS A CRADLE OF LIFE... NO! WATER IS THE SHORTEST WAY TO DEATH!!! WATER MAKES YOUR HEART BEATING... WATER MAKES YOU FEELING YOURSELF ALIVE... WATER PREVENTS YOUR BREATH... I AM SCARED!!!)
- STOP, - SILENTLY, BUT STRICTLY ORDERED TO HERSELF A GIRL AND, MAKING THE DEEP HARD BREATH, SLOWLY STARTED TO PUT OFF THE CLOTHES. SHE HAS ONLY NOTICED HOW, THAT NICO DID PUT ALL THE WET FROZEN CLOTHES OFF FROM HER, AND DRESSED HER UP ONLY IN THE LONG WOOL BATH-ROBE OF CRIMSON COLOR. THROWING OCCASSIONAL SIGHT IN THE HUGE ROUND MIRROR, ALREADY COVERING BY THE HOT STEAM, KEETHA SAW, THAT SHE SEEMED LIKE THE WHITE DECOMPOSING CORSPE, WRAPPED IN THE BLOODY FUNERAL MATERIA BEFORE HER ETERNAL DREAM IN THE COFFIN, DEEP UNDER THE DARK GROUND...
(...WHILE THE FAT WHITE WORMS WILL BE EATING HER FLESH, HER HEART, WHILE THE RAINS WILL BE WASHING SOMEONE"S OCCASSIONAL TEARS AND DRY PETALS OF ARTIFICIAL FLOWERS AWAY FROM THE TOMBSTONE... AND THAT WILL BE THE UNCLEAR SIGH ON THAT STONE: "YOUR VICTIMS ARE IN HEAVEN, AND YOU WILL BE BURNING IN THE HELL, BECAUSE THE SAINT GOD IS NEVER MISTAKEN"... HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH, LET IT BE SO!!!)
- A MAN MUST FIGHT FOR LIFE OR JUST DIE, - WHISPERED KEETHA AND, TAKING THE COTTON CHEAP UNDERWEAR OFF, SQUEEZED THE FINGERS AND LIED IN THE LARGE SMOOTH BATH, LIKE ON THE CLOUD, THROWING DOWN FROM THE SKIES THE WARM SUMMER RAIN. SHE UNDERSTOOD THAT THIS PRECIOUS HOT WATER COULD FILL HER VEINS UP WITH THE FRESH RESSURECTING BLOOD - JUST LIKE THE CLEAR MELTING SNOWS FULLFILL THE RIVERS - AND BREATH THE NEW YOUNG LIFE INSIDE HER BODY ONCE AGAIN... BUT SHE WAS FREAKY FRIGHTENED: SINCE THE VERY BIRTH WATER ALWAYS MEANT A PAIN AND DESTRUCTION FOR HER, AND KEETHA FELT IT LIKE THE POISONED FIRE AND RETURNING OF EVERY CURSE AND TORMENT FROM THE PAST. A GIRL SQUEEZED IN THE SHIVER, WHEN HER BODY FIRSTLY TOUCHED THE BOILING WATER IN THE BATH, AND NEXT MOMENT, RISING THE HANDS UP FROM THE BOTTOM, SHE SAW THAT HER SKIN WAS ALL COVERED BY THE RED INFLAMMATED SPOTS - THERE WERE HUNDREDS PATHS OF SCALDS. IT WAS ANOTHER ONE, HIDDEN, LIKE A SCARY SECRET, REASON, WHY HAS KEETHA ALWAYS BEEN SO PANICALLY SCARED OF THE WATER - EVERYTIME SHE TOUCHED IT, AN ITCHING FIRE DROPS STARTED TO BURN ON HER SKIN. REALIZED HER OLD INQUISITION TORMENT ACHIEVED HER FLESH AGAIN, A GIRL, NEARLY HOLDING BACK THE SCREAM OF FEAR, STRONGLY WISHED TO GET AWAY FROM THE BATH, FROM THAT BLINDING WHITE ROOM, LIKE IF THE FLAMES WERE AVARICIOUSLY LICKING IT"S WALLS. BUT TONIGHT KEETHA, WHO SPENT ALL HER LIFE LIKE A SMALL BIRD, TORGUED IN THE DIRTY CELL, FINALLY DECIDED TO GIFT HERSELF A FREEDOM. SO SHE, HOLDING THE PALMS LIKE IN THE BEGINNING OF THE HOLY PRAYER, CLOSED HER EYES AND DID LAY DOWN UNDER THE WATER, ON THE VERY BOTTOM OF THAT HUGE BATH. SHE FELT LIKE IF SHE HAS BEEN DYING - NOW IT WAS ANOTHER ONE, THE NEWEST OF ALL THE PASSED DEATHS - AND FELT LIKE EXACTLY BECAUSE OF IT SHE SUDDENLY STARTED TO REMEMBER A LINES OF THE SIMPLE POEM, APPEARED IN HER MIND:
- ONE, TWO...
(HE DID CHOSE ME TO COME TO)
- HE IS FAR FROM COMING TRUE... THREE, FOUR...
(HE IS KNOCKING ON MY DOOR)
- HE"S MY ENEMY NO MORE... FIVE, SIX...
(DEATH IS FUTURE HE PREDICTS)
- HE"S BEHIND THE WALL OF BRICKS... SEVEN, EIGHT...
(HE FORCED ME TO LIVE THIS FATE)
- RUNAWAY STILL ISN"T LATE... NINE, TEN...
(HE IS NEXT TO ME AGAIN)
- N-NI-I-N-NE... T-TEN...
(HE IS NEXT TO ME AGAIN)
- NINE, TEN... HE IS NEXT TO ME AGAIN!...
- THIS IS THE END, - SUDDENLY HEARD SHE A SILENT WHISPER NEXT TO HER EAR AND QUICKLY OPENED HER EYES, BUT IT WAS ALREADY TOO LATE: AT THE SAME MOMENT SOMETHING SOFT, SMOOTH, BUT AT THE SAME TIME VERY TOUGH AND STRONG POWERFULLY SQUEEZED HER MOUTH AND NOSE AND STARTED TO PUSH HER DOWN. KEETHA COULDN"T BREATHE AND LOST THE CONSCIOUSNESS BECAUSE OF THE PAIN, POURING WITHIN EVERY CELL OF HER BODY BECAUSE OF THE HOT, ALMOST BOILING, WATER, AND WAS HELPLESSLY TRYING TO RISE UP, BUT THAT ONE WHO WAS WITH A CRUELTY PLAYING WITH HER NOW, HAS BEEN MUCH MORE STRONGER, THAN A FRIGHTENED AND ALWAYS WALKING ON THE CHAINS OF THE DEATH JEWISH GIRL...
***
"DARK AUGUST MORNING, THE LAST MORNING OF THE SUMMER. COLD AND GLOOM BECAUSE OF ENDLESS RAINING, THAT WAS POURING ABOVE THE TOWN ALREADY FOR TWO DAYS. DEAF SILENCE, FULLFILLED ONLY BY THE MURMURING SONG OF THE WATER DROPS AND OF THE NOISE OF THE RIDING BACK AND FORWARD CARS. I AM STANDING ON THE FAT, WASHED OUT SOIL AND SQUEEZING AN IRON GRATING OF THE FENCE BY MY FINGERS. I AM VERY COLD, I AM SHIVERING AND I"M ALL DROWNED IN THE STRANGEST FEELING, MIXED OF THE SORROW AND OF THE FEAR - AND I CAN"T UNDERSTAND, WHICH OF THESE FEELINGS IS STRONGER. I AM LOOKING AROUND AND SEE A BLACK CROWD OF THE PEOPLE, MORE SIMILAR WITH A FLESHLESS SHADOWS, GHOSTS. THEY ARE CARRYING TWO COFFINS, THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF BRIGHT FRESH FLOWERS ON IT, AND TWO BIG BLACK-AND-WHITE PHOTOS OF TWO YOUNG PEOPLE - MISTER THOMPSON AND HIS WIFE. EVERY SHADOW IN THAT CROWD IS CRYING. I REALIZE THAT I MUST OPEN THE GATES AND COME IN TO THE GRAVELAND, JOIN THESE SILENT MOURNING PEOPLE, BUT I CAN"T - SOMETHING STOPS ME, I FEEL HELPLESS. I KEEP ON WATCHING THE CROWD AND SUDDENLY FIND A SMALL BOY IN THE DARK-GREY SUIT: HE IS HOLDING THE FLOWERS IN HIS HAND... AND A TOY FOR THE NEWBORN CHILDREN. HE IS CRYING, BUT THE SORROW DOESN"T HAVE A TOTAL POWER ABOVE HIM: HE IS WATCHING AROUND THE GRAVELANG, ABOVE PEOPLE"S HEADS, LIKE IF HE IS SEARCHING THERE FOR SOMETHING... NO, NOT FOR SOMETHING. FOR SOMEBODY. I RECOGNIZE THIS BOY. THIS IS NICO. THIS IS MY ONLY FRIEND! THIS IS THE ONLY ONE I WOULD GIVE MY LIFE FOR! THIS IS THE ONLY ONE I HAVE EVER LOVED! HE IS MY GUARDIAN ANGEL. HE IS MY DESTINY. HE IS PERFECT AND HE IS... HE IS ORPHAN BECAUSE OF ME, BECAUSE OF ME!... I CAN"T HOLD BACK THE TEARS ANYMORE, AS WELL AS CAN"T STAY IN THIS PLACE AND WAIT FOR THE MOMENT WHEN OUR SIGHTS WILL MEET AGAIN... I AM MUCH MORE THAN SCARED. I AM LOST AND BROKEN IN THE SMALL PIECES, AND THIS DAMNED COLD RAIN, FALLING FROM THE SKIES, IS DESTROYING, IS KILLING ME. AND SO I"M RUNNING AWAY. LIKE THE LAST COWARD. LIKE THE CONTEMPTIBLE MURDER. I HATE MYSELF. I WANT TO DIE, I WISH THE GROUND UNDER MY FEET COULD CRACK IN THE SCRATCHES AND I COULD FALL DOWN DEEP, TO THE VERY HELL. SUDDENLY, SMELLING THE POISONED TOXIC SMOKE FROM THE FABRICS AND SLIDING ON THE DIRT ON THE STREETSTONES, I REALIZED THAT MY LEGS HAVE BROUGHT ME HOME OR, TO SAY BETTER, TO THE PLACE THAT HAD TO BECOME MY NEW HOME AFTER MY KIDNAPPING FROM JERUSALEM. ALL RIGHT, I MUST FEEL AT SAFE, I MUST FIND MY GRANDMOTHER. SHE IS MY ONLY RELATIVE. SHE MUST PROTECT ME. I"M RUSHING TO THE STREET OF ESHIBOTE, RIGHT TO OUR SMALL DARK HOUSE, AND STARTING TO KNOCK THE DOOR.
- GRANDMOTHER! - SCREAMING I HYSTERICALLY, LOSING THE BREATH. - GRANDMOTHER! PLEASE, OPEN THE DOOR! OPEN THE DOOR, I BEG YOU!...
BUT NOBODY REPLIES ME. I"M GETTING ABSOLUTELY FRUSTRATED, BUT SUDDENLY SOMEBODY IS SQUEEZING MY HAND FROM THE BACK, VERY PAINFULLY AND STRONGLY, AND FORCING ME TO FOLLOW SAME WAY. I AM SHOUTING, I AM CRYING AND TRYING TO UNDERSTAND, WHO IS PRISONING ME. I DON"T KNOW, HOW LONG HAVE BEEN THIS WAY, BUT SOON I UNDERSTOOD THAT I HEAR THE SILENT MURMURING OF THE RIVER WAVES, AND THROUGH THE GREY HEAVY SMOKE I NOTICE THE LOW BRIDGE ABOVE THE RIVER BIG SHIRI - IT KEEPS IN THE RING THE BOARDS OF JEWISH GHETTO IN THIS TOWN. I FEEL THE PANIC - I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SUPERNATURALLY SCARED OF THE WATER, LIKE IF MY BODY WAS MADE OF SUGAR. MY KIDNAPPER IS THROWING ME, LIKE THE PACKET WITH THE OLD USELESS CLOTHES, ON THE STONES OF THE BANK AND FINALLY I UNDERSTOOD, WHO IT IS, I SEE THE FACE - IT IS MY GRANDMOTHER, IT IS OLD DEENA BERNARDY.
- GRANNY?! - SHOCKINGLY ASK I, BUT SHE TOUGHLY SQUEEZES MY MOUTH, LIKE TRYING TO KILL ME, AND WICKEDLY WHISPERS:
- SO IT IS TRUTH? SO IT ALL HAS BEEN TRUTH? EVERYTHING THAT MISTER AND MISSIS THOMPSON TOLD ME? THEY ARE ALREADY DEAD, KEETHA... DO YOU KNOW? AND NOT JUST DEAD, THEY ARE KILLED BY YOU! YOU ARE MONSTER! DO YOU HEAR ME?! MONSTER! YOU KILLED MY CHILDREN! YOU KILLED YOUR PARENTS! YOU KILLED YOUR ONLY FRIEND"S PARENTS! YOU ARE MONSTER! MONSTER! MONSTER! MONSTERMONSTERMONSTER!...
AND SO SHE IS TAKING A BIG HEAVY STONE FROM THE BANK AND STARTING TO KICK ME, STILL SQUEEZING MY MOUTH SO THAT I COULDN"T MAKE A SOUND, AND COULD ONLY FEEL THE PAIN, BURNING IT"S FIRE IN EVERY CELL OF MY BODY. I"M LOSING MY BREATH AND HELPLESSLY TRYING TO SET MYSELF FREE FROM GRANDMOTHER"S HANDS, BUT IT ALL IS IN VAIN. I AM DOOMED. I ALREADY CAN"T UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME. BUT SUDDENLY EVERYTHING STOPS. I HEAR THE HARD DEEP BREATH, SQUEEZED BY THE COUGH, AND THEN THE OLD WOMAN IS TAKING MY HANDS AND PUSHING ME RIGHT IN THE COLD DIRTY WATER OF THE RIVER. I AM SCREAMING, CRYING OF FEAR, OF HELPLESSNESS, TRYING TO PULL MY HANDS OUT OF HER LOCKS, BUT I DON"T REALLY REALIZE IT - IT"S ALMOST LIKE IN THE COMATOSE DREAM.
- I"LL KILL YOU, - SWEARS MY GRANDMOTHER. - I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU, LITTLE BITCH! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO LIVE! YOU MUST DIE! YOU MUST DIE!...
AND SHE LEAVING ME ALONE, ONE BY ONE WITH MY FEAR AND THE DEATH, RUSHING TO ME, AND I FEEL THAT I CAN"T MOVE NEITHER BY HAND, NOR BY LEG BECAUSE OF THE SHARPEST UNSTOPPABLE PAIN. I"M ALREADY SWALLOWING THE FROZEN BITTER WATER, POISONED BY THE TOXIC GASES FROM THE FABRICS, IT"S POURING IN MY EARS, IN MY NOSE, IN MY EYES... I AM REALLY MELTING LIKE THE SUGAR... THIS IS THE END... HALLELUJAH, JESUS CHRIST AND BLESSED MARIA, I"M FLYING TO YOU... BUT YOU ARE CLOSING FOR ME THE GATES TO YOUR KINGDOM. AGAIN. SOMETHING"S PULLING ME OUT OF THE WATER, BACK TO THE RIVER BANK, TO THE COLD STONES... I AM BREATHING... MY HEART IS STILL BEATING... I SEE THIS DAMNED SKY AGAIN... AND I FEEL THIS NASTY RAIN ON MY SKIN... AGAIN!"
***
- HELP ME!...
THE PIERCING, MAKING DEAF, SCREAM FINALLY DID RUSH AWAY FROM HER THROAT; KEETHA SUDDENLY ROSE UP FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE SNOWWHITE BATH, ABOVE THE SURFACE OF BOILING WATER, AND MADE A HUGE DEEP BREATH, ALMOST AT THE VERY FIRST TIME IN HER LIFE, REALLY ENJOYED THE AIR, THE OXYGENIUM. SHE HAS STILL BEEN DEAF AND BLIND, LIKE THE NEWBORN ANIMAL, BUT THE GIFT OF THE SPEECH HAS ALREADY BEEN COMING BACK TO HER, AND A GIRL WAS USING IT MADLY, LIKE THROUGH THE FEAR, THAT THE VOICE WILL LEAVE HER ONCE AGAIN:
- NICO! NICO! HELP ME! SAVE ME!... NICO!... NICO!...
- NICO IS HERE, - A SILENT, BUT FULLFILLED BY THE GLOOM COLD TRIUMPH, VOICE DID ANSWER HER, AND KEETHA DID MOMENTLY FEEL, THAT SHE WAS REBORN - SO FAST, SO UNEXPECTED AND SO TOTAL HAS BEEN HER FINAL RETURNING INTO THE CONSCIOUSNESS. SHE HAS ALREADY FINISHED SOMEWHERE DEEP INSIDE HER MIND THE SENTENCE SHE WANTED TO PRONOUNCE, BUT, HAVING NO TIME TO MAKE IT, AFTER THE ONLY OCCASSIONAL SIGHT A GIRL HAS TURNED INTO THE STONE WITH AN EYES AND MOUTH WIDELY OPENED: SHE SAW NICO, SO CLOSELY TO HERSELF, PAINFULLY SQUEEZING HER INKY BLACK HAIR IN HIS HOT FINGERS. HIS HUGE, BLUE, LIKE A SPRING SKY, EYES WERE POURING OUT BY THE HATE AND SICK PASSIONFULL RAGE: IT SEEMED LIKE IF A BOY HAS BEEN ALMOST READY TO CUT KEETHA"S LIFE OFF, AND THERE"S BEEN LEFT JUST THE ONLY MOMENT, SEPARATED A YOUNG JEW FROM THE DEATH. HER BODY HAS BEEN PRICKING BY THE SHARP PAIN FROM THE BURNING INFLAMMATED SPOTS AND PICTURED IN THE MIND, RESSURECTED IN THE MEMORY, HITS OF STONES FROM THE GRANDMOTHER"S HANDS, BUT KEETHA WAS SO FRUSTRATED AND DAMAGED, WATCHING NICO"S NEXT TO HER, THAT DIDN"T REALLY FEEL THIS SUFFER.
- NICO?! - SHOCKINGLY DID BREATH OUT A GIRL. - IS IT YOU?!...
- YES, - PROUDLY AND HATEFULLY ANSWERED NICO. - IT"S ME. THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY IN MY LIFE, BECAUSE I FOUND YOU, KEETHA. FINALLY. YOUR DISAPPEARING HAS BEEN KILLING ME FOR SIXTEEN YEARS. SINCE THE VERY MOMENT OF MY PARENTS" DEATH.
- NICO, WAIT... WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT"S HAPPENING? WHAT"S GOING ON?!...
- SHUT UP! - A BOY SHOUTED SO LOUDLY, THAT KEETHA DID FEEL THE SHORT PIERCING PAIN IN HER EARS, AND POWERFULLY SLAPPED A GIRL"S FACE SO STRONGLY, THAT ANOTHER ONE, HUGE AND INFLAMMATED, SCARLETT SPOT APPEARED ON HER CHEEK, LIKE THE NEGATIVE ON THE PHOTOFILM. - YOU ARE MURDERER! I WAS EARLIER SO STUPID, THINKING THAT YOU WERE MY FRIEND AND PROTECTING YOU FROM THE STREET BUSTARDS... AND NOW I UNDERSTAND THAT I HAD TO LET THEM KILL YOU... YOU DESTROYED ALL MY LIFE. IF THERE WOULDN"T BE YOU, MY PARENTS WOULD STILL BE ALIVE... WE WOULD BE TOGETHER, AND I WOULD HAVE A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE SISTER... AND YOU... I DON"T KNOW, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THEM, KEETHA BERNARDY... MAYBE, YOU WERE A WITCH SINCE THE VERY BIRTH, OR MAYBE YOU HAVE A BAD EYE - THERE ARE MAYBE GOSSIPS ABOUT JEWS, BUT I DON"T CARE ABOUT IT. ANY MORE. I FINALLY HAVE YOU, AND YOU WILL PAY FOR EVERYTHING YOU"VE DONE.
- I HAVE DONE NOTHING, - FREAKY WHISPERED KEETHA, HOPELESSLY REALIZING THAT NICO WILL BE DEAF. - ONCE I HAVE ALREADY TOLD YOU... THAT I CAN CHANGE NOTHING... I CAN ONLY SEE... AGAINST OF MY WILL... WHENEVER IT MUST HAPPEN, BUT NOT WHEN I WISH IT COULD HAPPEN... WHY DON"T YOU BELIEVE ME? WHY?! I NEVER BETRAYED YOU, NICO... I LOVED YOU... AND STILL LOVE...
- I LOVED YOU TOO, KEETHA, - STRANGELY AGREED A BOY. - AND LOVE NOW, WHEN YOU ARE ALL UNDER MYPOWER AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE THE SCARIEST DEATH FOR YOU. YOU ASKED ME, HOW DID I LIVE THESE SIXTEEN YEARS? I"LL GIVE YOU THE CHANCE TO UNDERSTAND IT. YOU WILL LEARN EVERYTHING. I SWEAR TO FEED YOU WITH EVERY YOUR FEAR - I KNOW IT ALL, BECAUSE YOU MADE ME SCARED OF THE SAME... AND YOU WILL DIE IN THIS HORROR, KEETHA, DIE PAINFULLY... YOU ARE WORSE THAN A DEVIL...
- YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A DEVIL, NICO, - COUGHING AND LOSING THE BREATH, PULLED OUT FROM HER THROAT KEETHA. - THE ANGELS WERE ALWAYS PROTECTING YOU...
NICO COLDLY SMILED AND NEXT MOMENT STRONGLY SQUUEZED GIRL"S FOREHEAD TO THE SHINING WALL OF THE BATHROOM, AND KEETHA, LOSING THE EYE-SIGHT THROUGH THE REDDISH RINGS, APPEARED IN FRONT OF HER, FELT THE SHARPEST ITCHING PAIN IN THE HEAD.
- DO YOU KNOW, WHAT DID MY UNCLE OFTEN TELL ME? - CONTINUED NICO. - HE TOLD ME, THAT THE REVENGE IS NOT OF THE PREROGATIVE OF THE HUMAN. HE TOLD ME, THAT GOD WILL REVENGE FOR EACH OF US, WILL FORCE EVERY SINNER TO PAY FOR EVERYTHING"S DONE... BUT THIS IS A LIE. YOU KILLED NOT A GOD"S FAMILY. YOU KILLED MY FAMILY. AND SO NOT A GOD MUST REVENGE FOR IT, BUT ME. AND NOBODY ELSE BUT ME, DO YOU UNDERSTAND, KEETHA BERNARDY?!...
AND HE HATEFULLY, WITH THE ONLY, SUDDEN, LIKE THE LIGHTNING, MOVE, DID HIT KEETHA"S HEAD AT THE WHITE STONES OF THE BATHROOM WALL AND THEN WAS WATCHING THE CRIMSON STREAMS OF BLOOD, MELTING IN THE HEAVY STREAM AND POURING DOWN ON THE INKY BLACK GIRL"S HAIR, LYING ON THE WATER SURFACE AND COVERING ALL HER FACE, LIKE BY THE DARK NETS OF THE FISHER... AND THEN HE WAS JUST STARING AT HER DESTROYING INFLAMMATED BODY, SLOWLY AND HELPLESSLY SLIDING DOWN, DEEPER AND DEEPER UNDER THE DARK BOILED WATER, AND HE DIDN"T MAKE EVEN THE ONLY OCCASSIONAL MOVE TO SAVE A GIRL, LIKE IF HE WANTED TO SEE, TO HEAR, TO FEEL EACH OF HER VERY LAST MOMENTS. TONIGHT NEITHER NICO AND KEETHA, NOR ANYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD WOULD BELIEVE, THAT SOMEWHEN, JUST SIXTEEN YEARS AGO, THEY DID REALLY LOVE EACH OTHER BY THE SHORT, BUT SINCERE AND PURE CHILDISH LOVE... BUT BETWEEN THESE SIXTEEN YEARS DID PASS WHOLE THE ETERNITY.
V
SORROW AND HAPPINESS. HATE AND LOVE. PAIN AND PLEASURE. FIRE AND ICE. DEATH AND LIFE. SUNSET AND SUNRISE... SUNRISE. KEETHA WOKE UP AT SUNRISE. BECAUSE OF THE PAIN, STILL CUTTING HER TORMENTED FLESH IN SMALL PARTS BY IT"S SHARP FANGS, LIKE THE APOCALYPSE BEASTS WERE TEARING THE BABYLON MOLL APART. THAT WAS A STRANGE SUFFERING: A GIRL WAS SHIVERING, LIKE IF THE HUNDREDS OF ELECTRIC CABELS WERE PULLED DEEP IN HER BODY, AND HER SKIN, ALL COVERED BY THE HUGE DRIED HEMATOMES, WAS COLDER THAN ICE, BUT UNDER IT SHE FELT LIKE BURNING FROM INSIDE IN THE OPENED FIRE. KEETHA WAS ABSOLUTELY NAKED, LIKE THE NEWBORN CHILD OR THOSE YOUNG ANGEL FIGURES ON THE JEWISH TAROT CARDS; THE LONG BLACK NIGHTSHIRT WAS LYING ON THE FLOOR IN A FEW STEPS FROM HER. SEEMED LIKE IT TOOK WHOLE THE LIFE FROM KEETHA TO COME BACK IN SENCES ABSOLUTELY, TO TAKE THE EYE-SIGHT, THE SPEECH AND THE HEARING BACK FROM THE COMATOSE AND TO FIND OUT WHERE SHE HAS BEEN PRISONED NOW. KEETHA FINALLY REALIZED THAT SHE WAS LYING ON THE STONE FLOOR IN THE SMALL AND FROSTY, LIKE BURIED DEEP IN THE SOIL COFFIN, ROOM, LOOKING LIKE THE COPY OF THE PRISON CAMERA. THERE WASN"T ONLY ANY FURNITURE IN THAT ROOM - THERE WEREN"T EVEN A WALLPAPERS OR A FLOORCOVER UNDER THE FEET, LIKE IF THIS CORNER HAS BEEN JUST COLLECTED FROM THE GREY SMOOTH STONES, PLACED IN THE FORM OF THE RIGHT QUADRO WITH THE ONLY TINY HOLE FOR THE WINDOW, AND THERE WERE A NARROW STRIPES OF THE BLINDING PINK SUNLIGHT, FALLING FROM THAT WINDOW AND DISFIGURING KEETHA"S FACE. SHE HAS ALREADY UNDERSTOOD WHAT WAS THIS ROOM CREATED FOR AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN WITHIN IT"S COLD UNCOVERED WALLS NEXT SECOND, BUT IT WAS TOO LATE, AND BEFORE A GIRL DID MAKE THE ONLY MOVE TO PROTECT HERSELF FROM ANOTHER ONE, SILENT BUT INEVITABLE, LIKE THE DEATH ITSELF, FORCE, THE HEAVY BLACK CURTAINS FELL DOWN ON THE WINDOW, BREAKING THE ONLY ORIGIN OF THE LIGHT, AND THE ROOM DROWNED IN THE DARKNESS, DEAF AND FULL OF THE FROZEN AIR.
(NO NO ONLY NOT THE DARKNESS NOT THE DARKNESS NOTTHEDARKNESS SHOW ME LIGHT SHOW ME LIGHT SHOWMELIGHT PLEASE SOMEBODY ANYBODY I AM SCARED I DON"T WANNA GO BACK THERE I WILL DIE THEY WILL KILL ME PLEASE HEAVENLY FATHER LUCIFER AVE MARIA SANCTUS SPIRITUS ANTICHRIST LILITH SAVE ME SAVE ME SAVEME NO NO NO!....)
- NO, - WITH A BREAKING WEAK VOICE DID BREATH OUT KEETHA AND STARTED TO CRY, SQUEEZING HER DECOMPOSING BODY INTO THE COLD FLOOR. - N-N-O-O...
- YOU ARE CRYING, - A SILENT ANSWER SUDDENLY BECAME HEARD BEHIND THE TOUGHLY LOCKED LOW DOOR, AND KEETHA, LIKE THE LIFELESS WAX DOLL, MOMENTLY LOST HER BREATH AND ALL TURNED INTO THE HEARING - SO PASSIONFULLY THAT SHE HASN"T EVEN LEFT FOR HERSELF THE STRENGTH TO FEEL THE HATE AND TO WISH THE DEATH FOR HER ONLY ENEMY, STILL WINNING THIS WAR AGAINST HER WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE. WITH A SMILE SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH ALREADY FOR SIXTEEN YEARS... AND A VOICE, THAT DID VISIT HER IN EACH OF HER SHORT PAINFULL DREAMS, LIKE A CURE FROM THE FREAKY DISEASE, HAS BEEN SOUNDING SO PROUDLY, LIKE IF KEETHA"S SUFFERS WERE TURNED INTO THE GREATEST OF PLEASURES OF HUMANITY AFTER PHYSICAL LOVE AND DEATH:
- I KNOW. I KNOW YOU ARE CRYING ONLY BECAUSE OF THE FEAR... FOR YOUR OWN USELESS CONTEMPTIBLE LIFE, THAT BRINGS ONLY THE PAIN FOR EVERYBODY AROUND. BUT YOU WILL NEVER CRY FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE, WON"T YOU, KEETHA? LIKE YOU WILL NEVER CRY FOR MY PARENTS. AND NEVER CONFESS IN YOUR SINS.
- PRAY YOUR GOD TO GIFT YOU THE EYE-SIGHT, - WHISPERED KEETHA, HARDLY CRAWLING CLOSER TO THE DOOR AND TOUCHING IT"S COLD SMOOTH SURFACE BY THE PALM, TRYING TO FEEL THE WARMTH OF NICO"S BODY BY THE SKIN, - AND SO YOU WILL SEE THAT I HAVEN"T DONE THESE SINS. I WISHED THE EVIL TO NOBODY. I BROUGHT THE DEATH TO NOBODY. I JUST TOLD YOU WHAT I SAW. MY SOUL IS PURE.
- YOUR SOUL IS PURE, - HATEFULLY REPEATED NICO BEHIND THE WALL AND COLDLY LAUGHED. - THEN WHOSE FAULT THIS TRAGEDY IS?
- I DON"T KNOW, NICO, - ANSWERED KEETHA COMPASSIONFULLY, TOUGHLY KEEPING IN THE MEMORY A FREAKY IMAGE OF THE HUGE, LIKE THE PLANET, FIREBALL, TAKEN HER PARENTS" LIFE AWAY. - YOUR FAMILY"S DEATH AND MY FAMILY"S DEATH... IT ALL HAS BEEN GOD"S WILL...
- WHAT COULD YOU KNOW ABOUT THE GOD, YOU, DIRTY ISRAEL BITCH?! - LOUDLY, LIKE IF HIS VOICE TURNED INTO THE THUNDER, SHOUTED NICO AND STRONGLY KICKED THE DOOR, WISHING, PROBABLY, TO HURT KEETHA"S BODY AS MUCH AS THE COLD STONE. - YOU TOLD ME SO MANY TIMES THAT YOU EVEN DON"T HAVE A RELIGION!...
- I DON"T, - AGREED A GIRL AND MADE A DEEP BREATH. - BUT I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BELIEVE IN THE ONLY REAL EXISTING GOD, EVEN IF I DON"T KNOW HIS NAME, AND THE NAME OF HIS HOLY BOOK.
THERE WASN"T ANY REPLY FOR A SEVERAL, FREAKY LONG, ENDLESS, MINUTES, THEN WITH A DRY STRICT VOICE NICO SAID: "THEN BEG YOUR REAL GOD TO SAVE YOUR SOUL", AND A YOUNG MAN SILENTLY LEFT AWAY - THE SOUND OF HIS SOFT QUICK STEPS COULD BE HEARD FURTHER AND FURTHER FROM THE ROOM UNTIL IT DISAPPEARED IN THE EMPTINESS. AND SO, ONLY AFTER THAT VERY LAST MOMENT, KEETHA DID REALLY FEEL INSIDE OF HER FLESH AND HER HEART THE ABSOLUTEST OF ABSOLUTE FEARS THERE WASN"T ANY ESCAPE OR ANY PLACE TO HIDE FROM - IN WHOLE THE UNIVERSE, IN EACH OF 666 DESTINIES GOD GIVES TO EVERY NEWBORN SOUL... THE COLD WAS BECOMING IMPOSSIBLY STRONG AND POWERFULL, SO KEETHA, WEAKLY, THROUGH THE ITCHING PAIN, MOVING BY THE HURTING HANDS AND LEGS, SLOWLY DID CRAWL TO THE NIGHTSHIRT, STILL LYING ON THE FLOOR STONES, AND SOMEHOW PUT IT ON. STRANGELY, BUT AT THE FIRST SECONDS SHE HAD A FEELING THAT A FROST AROUND HER ONLY MULTIPLIED, BUT THEN A SMALL OCASSIONAL DROPS OF THE PRECIOUS NECESSARY WARMTH FINALLY POURED INTO HER SQUEEZED BY THE SHARP ICE VEINS, AND KEETHA FOUND THE OCCASSIONAL ORIGIN OF THE LIFE INSIDE HER BODY AGAIN, FELT IT"S BEATING UNDER HER SKIN. BUT IT WAS UNHAPPY FEELING, LIKE IF A GIRL HAS JUST LEARNED SHE"S BEEN DAMAGED BY THE UNTREATABLE DISEASE, AND KEETHA COULDN"T SET HERSELF FREE FROM IT. SHE HAS BEEN DROWNING. POISONING. DECOMPOSING. DYING. DISAPPEARING. AND RESSURECTING AGAIN. FOR MILLION TIMES WITHOUT THE ONLY SECOND BREAK. ISN"T ANY FREAKY DEATH AT THE AGE OF TWENTY-TWO SO MUCH BETTER AND EASIER TO ACCEPT AND TO LOVE, THAN SUCH KIND OF LIFE, HALF-LIFE? SHE THOUGHT... NO, SHE WAS ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT SHE HAS ALWAYS, SINCE THE VERY BIRTH, GOT THE ANSWER. SHE"S STILL GOT IT TODAY TOO... BUT WAS ALREADY STARTING TO UNDERSTAND THAT IT MAYBE HAS BEEN ALWAYS WRONG, SO KEETHA WASN"T SILENTLY PRAYING, SOMEWHERE DEEP INSIDE HER MIND, ABOUT THE FORGIVENESS AND COMPASSION: SHE WAS ONLY ASKING FOR THE TRUTH.
***
"WHAT"S WRONG WITH ME? I AM SO TIRED, SO SCARED, SO HURTED... I"M FEELING THE PAIN IN EVERY CELL OF BODY, LIKE IT"S FULLFILLED BY THE BROKEN GLASS... I AM DYING AGAIN, BECAUSE MY FEAR IS KILLING ME - THERE COULD BE NOTHING MORE DESTRUCTIVE IN THIS WORLD THAT THE FEAR IN FRONT OF SOMETHING UNKNOWN, IN FRONT OF MISSUNDERSTOOD... THIS IS THE END. BUT WHERE AM I? I DON"T KNOW, I"M SURE THAT I"VE APPEARED HERE AT THE VERY FIRST TIME, BUT, IN SPITE OF IT ALL, I SOMEHOW CAN RECOGNIZE THIS PLACE... THIS IS THE MADNESS!... SILENCE, DARKNESS, COLD... HEAVENLY FATHER, WHATEVER YOU REALLY ARE, PLEASE, ANSWER, WHY DOES IT ALL ALWAYS SURROUND ME, WHY I CAN NEVER ESCAPE FROM THIS PRISON? IT"S A FREAKY MISTAKE... BUT SUDDENLY... EVERYTHING"S CHANGING!... I HEAR THE UNPLEASANT, CUTTING MY HEARING, SOUND OF THE SLOWLY OPENING DOOR AND SEE THE NARROW STRIPE OF THE SHARP ARTIFICIAL LIGHT. A SLENDER WHITE SHADOW IS ENTERING THE SELL I"M PRISONED IN. I"M WATCHING IT, I CAN"T TAKE MY EYES OUT. THIS IS A MAN. YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL MAN WITH THE SHINING CLEAR EYES OF THE SKY COLOR... OH, GOD, HE IS SO SIMILAR WITH THE SAINT ANGEL... NO! OF COURSE, NO... HE IS SO SIMILAR WITH NICO, AND WITH NOBODY ELSE IN THIS WORLD. HE IS SMILING, BUT NOT TO ME, AND THIS IS NOT THE WARM TENDER SMILE: THIS IS THE WICKED SMILE, THE WRATH, AND HE IS SMILING WITH HIS SECRET DARK TRIUMPH, BECAUSE HE IS UNDERSTANDING, THAT SOON, VERY SOON, HE WILL GET THE PLEASURE TO WATCH ME SUFFERING... FREAKY, PAINFULLY SUFFERING... N-NO... N-NO-O-O... FATHER OUR , WHO IS IN THE SKY, SAVE AND KEEP AT SAFE!... HE IS COMING NEXT TO ME, CLOSER AND CLOSER - I CAN ALREADY FEEL THE COLD OF HIS NASTY THOUGHTS BY MY SKIN... I SEE THE NEEDLES AND THE GLASSES WITH THE INJECTIONS, SQUEEZED IN HIS PALMS... HE IS TAKING MY HANDS AND PRICKING THIS BURNING, THROWING ME IN THE COMATOSE, POISON IN MY VEINS, MIXING IT WITH MY BLOOD. I"M GETTING WEAKER AND WEAKER WITH EVERY MOMENT, LIKE IF THE LIFE WOULD BE LEAVING MY FLESH DROP BY DROP, LIKE THE RAINS LEAVE THE CLOUDS IN THE SKY... AND HE IS SITTING NEXT TO ME, SHAKING MY SHOULDERS, CLAPPING MY FACE AND SENCELESSLY, WITH A MAD EXCITING, REPEATING: "SO YOU SAY YOU CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE? YOU CAN SEE, HOW AND WHEN I WILL DIE? THEN TELL ME! COME ON, DON"T BE SHY! TELL ME, HOW I WILL DIE! TELL ME, WHEN I WILL DIE! TELL ME! TELL ME! TELLME TELLME TELLME TELLME!".
- N-NO, - I"M WHISPERING HIM THE ANSWER SO WEAKLY AND SILENTLY, BECAUSE I"M ALMOST LOSING MY CONSCIOUSNESS, ALMOST FALLEN IN THE EMPTINESS, WHERE NOTHING IS EXISTING AND NOTHING COULD EXIST. - NO, PLEASE... YOU DON"T UNDERSTAND... PLEASE, LEAVE ME ALONE... LEAVE ME ALONE, I BEG YOU... I"M SO TIRED... I CAN NOT TALK TO YOU... I ALMOST DON"T SEE AND HEAR ANYTHING NOW... LEAVE ME ALONE!...
BUT HE ISN"T LISTENING TO ME. HE"S JUST KEEPING ON ASKING THE SAME QUESTIONS, AND I HAVE NO STRENGTH EVEN TO MAKE THE ONLY SOUND ANYMORE. I"M STAYING SILENT AND MOVELESS, ALMOST LIKE THE CORPSE - THE ONLY THING I STILL CAN DO IS NOTHING BUT BREATHING. AND SO HE"S STARTINGTO HIT ME, BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT I"M HELPLESS, THAT I"LL CAN"T PROTECT MYSELF FROM HIM... AND I"M DOOMED TO SUFFER BECAUSE OF THIS PAIN AGAIN. I DON"T KNOW, HOW MUCH OF TIME WILL IT ALL LONG... SECONDS, MINUTES OR MAYBE ETERNITIES, HUNDREDS OF LIFES... BUT ONCE, SUDDENLY, LIKE THE FLASH OF THE LIGHTNING, EVERYTHING IS STOPPING... IT SEEMS LIKE IF SOMEONE HAS OCCASSIONALLY PUSHED THE "STOP" BUTTON AND PULLED THE CABEL OUT... I FELT ONLY FOUR COLD TOUGH HANDS, PAINFULLY SQUUEZED AND PUSHED MY BODY FIRSTLY OUT OF THAT ROOM, THEN SOMEWHERE UPSTAIRS, HIGHER AND HIGHER, BREAKING OF THE STONEFLOOR MY BONES. FINALLY THEY THREW ME IN THE TINY QUADRO CAMERA, SEPARATED FROM ALL THE OTHER ROOMS IN THE WHITE HOSPITAL CORRIDOR. THAT CAMERA WAS ALL MADE OF THE SOFT COTTON WAX, AND THERE WASN"T EVEN THE ONLY LITTLE WINDOW IN THE WALLS. ISOLATORE... IT WAS THE PLACE OF MY SCARIEST NIGHTMARES. I COULDN"T STAY THERE... JUST COULD NOT. IN THIS VACUUM... I ALWAYS HAD THE PARANOIC FEELING THAT SOMEBODY IS HIDING THERE BEHIND MY BACK, WATCHING ME THERE... SOMETIMES I WAS ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT I COULD EVEN RECOGNIZE THE FACE OF THIS GHOST... IT WAS NICO. HE NEVER LEFT ME IN THAT CELL, AND STRANGELY: I THOUGHT I WOULD BE SO HAPPY, LEARNING THAT HE"S BEEN THERE WITH ME, SO CLOSELY, LIKE THE BLOOD TO THE FLESH, BUT INSTEAD OF IT I FELT LIKE I WAS THE VICTIM ON THE INQUISITION FIRE... IT"S SO FRUSTRATIONLY, ISN"T IT? HE IS WAVING HIS HANDS UP AND FORWARD, TRYING TO TOUCH ME, BUT WHAT FOR - TO HURT OR TO STROKE?! HE IS WATCHING EVERY MY MOVE, BUT WHAT FOR - TO HIT OR TO PROTECT?! HE IS... HE IS ALWAYS HERE, LIKE THE BLESSING... OR LIKE THE CURSE?! ANGEL OR DEMONE! DEATH OR LIFE! HOPE OR DISASTER! WHAT"S GOING ON?! WHY ARE YOU TORMENTING ME?! IF YOU LOVE ME, LET ME GO, BECAUSE I"M MELTING IN YOUR CHAINS! IF YOU HATE ME, TAKE MY HEART OUT OF THE CHEST! THROW IT IN THE FIRE OF YOUR HATE AND LOOK, HOW THE FLAMES WILL BE DESTROYING IT, BUT STOP THIS SUFFERING THOUGH FOR THE MOMENT!... I"M FALLING DOWN MY KNEES AND ALREADY CAN"T STAND UP, NO MATTER HOW HARDLY I"M TRYING TO DO IT - EVERYTHING"S IN VAIN. TONIGHT HE WILL TAKE ME, AND SINCE THAT SECOND I WILL BE HIS ETERNAL SLAVE... I WILL BE UNDER HIS POWER UNTIL THE LAST JUDGEMENT... AND AFTER IT... HE HAS NEVER YET BEEN SO CLOSELY: I CAN ALREADY SEE HIS SHADOW ON THE WALL, CAN HEAR HIS STEPS BEHIND ME, CAN FEEL THE COLD OF HIS BREATH... AND SO I"M STARTING TO READ, SILENTLY, SLOWLY, UNCLEARLY LIKE IN THE FOREIGN UNKNOWN LANGUAGE, MY SHORT POEM - I SAW IT IN THE DREAM, IN THE VERY LAST DREAM I SAW BEFORE MY PARENTS" DEATH, BEFORE I FIRSTLY SAW THEIR DEATH... IT WAS MY LAST PEACEFULL DREAM BEFORE THE ENDLESS NIGHTMARES... AND SINCE THAT NIGHT I READ MY POEM EVERYTIME I FEEL I"M IN A DEADLY DANGER:
- ONE, TWO - HE DID CHOOSE ME TO COME TO... THREE, FOUR - HE IS KNOCKING ON MY DOOR... FIVE, SIX - DEATH IS FUTURE HE PREDICTS... SEVEN, EIGHT - HE FORCED ME TO LIVE THIS FATE... NINE, TEN - HE IS NEXT TO ME AGAIN... THERE COULD BE NOTHING SCARIER THAN THE DEMONE IN THE FLESH OF YOUR BELOVED ONE... THERE COULD BE NOTHING MORE DESTRUCTIVE THAN PARANOYA... THIS IS THE END".
***
SHE SUDDENLY, STILL SHIVERING IN THE SICK FEVER AFTER THE TORMENTING GALLUCINATIONS, WOKE UP, BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT SHE SAW THE BLOOD ON HER SKIN AND HAIR, ON THE FLOOR, ON THE WALLS - EVERYWHERE AROUND HER. SHE FINALLY TRIED TO STAND UP ON THE FEET, BUT HELPLESLLY FELL DOWN AGAIN RIGHT AFTER SHE HAS GOT UP ON HER KNEES AND TOUGHLY SQUEEZED THE LIPS, TRYING TO SWALLOW THE SCREAM. SHE WIDELY OPENED HER HUGE EYES AND, LIKE A GREEDY HUNGRY DEMONE, STARTED TO LOOK AROUND HERSELF, WAITING TO SEE THE BLOODDROPS, THE BLOODRIVERS EVERYWHERE ON THE FLOOR AND ON THE WALLS. NOW THE AWAKENING HAS ACHIEVED HER COMPLETELY. NO, THE ROOM HASN"T BEEN DROWNED IN THE BLOOD: THERE WERE JUST THE CRIMSON STREAMS OF THE SUNSET, POURING WITHIN THE COLD STONES. KEETHA NOW COULD ALMOST FEEL TWO HUGE WINGS BEHIND HER BACK, BECAUSE THIS BLOODRED EVENING WAS EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE EVENING WHEN SHE TOOK HER DAMNED FREEDOM BACK, WHEN SHE LEFT AWAY FROM THE PRISONING HER PSYCHOCLINIC. SHE FELT SO BLESSED AT THAT EVENING, WHEN THE CRIMSON RAYS OF SUN FIRSTLY BURNED UNDER HER SKIN, LIKE THE STAMPS OF THE SLAVES. SHE STAYED AT HER CAMERA AT THAT MOMENT AND SUDDENLY, LIKE IF SHE SAW THE SATANICAL SIGN IN THE SKIES, FELT LIKE IF SHE HAS TURNED INTO THE BIRD, INTO THE HUGE BLACK CROW WITH THE METAL WINGS. YES, SHE REALLY SEEMED TO BE SICK INDEED, BUT WHO HAS EVER CARED ABOUT HER IN THIS LIFE, AND WHO COULD SAY THAT MENTAL DISEASE IS A CURSE, IF IT BLOWS IN YOUR FLESH SUCH A MAD SUPERNATURAL STRENGTH? BUT THAT REALLY WAS A FREAKY CURSE, BECAUSE KEETHA, RUSHING AWAY IN HER ALMOST EXISTING LEVITATION, COULDN"T IMAGINE WHAT A MAD TORTURE HER STRANGE FREEDOM WILL BE TURNED INTO VERY SOON.
(THOUGH EVEN IF I COULD LEARN IT FOR SURE I WOULD ANYWAY CHOOSE THE WAY I CHOSE THAT EVENING BECAUSE NOT ANY GOLDEN PRISON COULD BE SWEETER THAN THE FREEDOM THE DARKEST THE SCARIEST THE MOST PAINFULL BUT ABSOLUTE)
AND SO, BREAKING ANY OF THE THOUGHTS AND DOUBTS, NOT CONFUSING AND STOPPING HERSELF, KEETHA SURELY DECIDED NOT TO LOSE THIS BLESSED MOMENT. SHE FELT THAT STRANGE DEMONIZED INSPIRATION INSIDE HER VEINS AGAIN, LIKE IF THE TIME HAS COME BACK IN THAT EVENING AND FULLFILLED HER BY THE STRENGTH: SHE ROSE UP ON HER FEET, LIKE IF THE ELECTRICITY HAS BEEN PULSSING WITH HER BLOOD, AND DID HIT THE DOOR SO STRONGLY, THAT IT"S OLD SMALL LOCK MOMENTLY CRACKED AND FELL DOWN ON THE FLOOR. KEETHA SHOOK THE DOOR AND MADE A TOUGH STEP OUT OF THIS PRISONING WORLD WITHIN FOUR STONE WALLS. THE CORRIDOR IN FRONT OF HER WAS BURIED IN THE DARKNESS AND DEAD SILENCE, SEEMED TO BE UNNATURALLY ABSOLUTE. IT WAS FRIGHTNING HER, AND SO, FIGHTING AGAINST THE RETURNING NATIVE FEAR OF THE HEART, KEETHA LOUDLY SCREAMED:
- NICO! NICO, WHERE ARE YOU? COME OUT! COME OUT!...
BUT THERE WASN"T ANY REPLY TO HER: NICO SEEMED TO BE DISAPPEARED, LOST SOMEWHERE IN THIS OLD GLOOM HOUSE, AND SO THERE MUST BE HOPELESLLY TO TRY TO FIND HIM THERE, HARDER, THAN TO NOTICE A GHOST IN THE FRESH MORNING AIR.
- ALL RIGHT, - CONTINUED KEETHA, APPLYING TO HERSELF AND SENCELESSLY LOOKING AROUND HERSELF, LIKE IF SHE STILL HAS BEEN KEEPING THE HOPE TO BE GIFTED BY THE OCCASSIONAL FLASH OF THE LIGHT IN THIS BLACK HEAVY COVER. - STAY SILENT AS LONG AS YOU WANT. HIDE FROM ME ANYWHERE YOU WANT. AND BRING ME AS MUCH OF PAIN AS YOU THINK WILL BE ENOUGH. I DON"T CARE, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I WILL ANYWAY SURVIVE THROUGH EVERY OF YOUR TORTURES... NO MATTER WHAT YOU WILL INVENT AGAIN. YOU JUST CAN"T IMAGINE WHAT I HAVE ALREADY SEEN IN THESE SIXTEEN YEARS, YOU"LL NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW IT COULD BE POSSIBLE TO LIVE THROUGH THIS SUFFERS, BUT I DID IT. AND SO, SOONER OR LATER, YOU KNOW, I WILL ANYWAY FIND YOU. YOU WON"T HIDE FROM ME AS I COULDN"T HIDE FROM YOU...
SHE MADE A LONG HEAVY PAUSE, STILL HOPING TO HEAR NICO"S ANSWER, BUT THE SILENCE HAS STILL BEEN STAYED UNBREAKABLE, LIKE THE SKY FORTRESS, AND SO KEETHA, SWALLOWING THE BITTER, LIKE THE POISON, TEARS, ADDED:
- I KNOW YOU HATE ME. I KNOW YOU BLAME ME IN EACH OF DEADLY SINS, BUT... I SWEAR I"VE DONE NOTHING OF BAD IN MY LIFE, TO NOBODY... AND OUR PARENTS" DEATH HAS NEVER BEEN MY FAULT. I WAS JUST FORCED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT THEY WILL DIE... I HOPE ONE DAY YOU"LL UNDERSTAND ME, NICO... AND IF NOT... NO MATTER... NOTHING WILL CHANGE. I WILL ANYWAY LOVE YOU LIKE I DO NOW... AND LIKE I ALWAYS DID. GOODBYE, NICO. IT WAS A HAPPINESS TO COME SO CLOSELY TO YOU...
AND SHE, BREATHING INSIDE OF HER FLESH THE COOL DRY AIR, WIDELY OPENED THE ENTRANCE DOOR AND CLOSED HER EYES, LIKE IF THERE WAS A DEEP HOLE WITHOUT A BOTTOM IN FRONT OF HERSELF, LEADING RIGHT TO THE VERY HEART OF THE HELL... BUT FOR KEETHA, THERE WAS SOMETHING MUCH MORE FREAKY`IN A FEW STEPS FORWARD. THERE WAS A SNOW, SNOW, ICE AND COLD PRICKING WIND. THE FROST OF THE NEWBORNING WINTER NIGHT DID PIERCE INSIDE HER FLESH BY IT"S NEEDLES AND FREEZE THE BLOOD IN HER VEINS, SO KEETHA STOPPED RIGHT AT THE PLACE WHERE SHE WAS STANDING, LIKE IF THE GOD, BRINGING HER BACK IN THE TIME OF SODOM"S FALLING, TURNED HER INTO THE MOVELESS SALT STATUE, INTO THE SECOND LOT"S WIFE. SHE WAS SO SCARED THAT SHE COULDN"T SCREAM, COULDN"T EVEN MAKE THE ONLY SOUND, THE ONLY MOVE - HER NUDE FEET SEEMED TO BE FROZEN TO THE COVERED BY THE ICE LAY PORCH AND HURT BY THE SHARP THIN SPLINTERS FROM THE WOOD STEPS, AND THE THROAT WAS ALMOST LIKE FULLFILLED BY THE SNOW, AS THE THROAT OF THE DEADMAN ALWAYS BECOMES FULLFILLED BY THE SOIL. THE CRIMSON RAYS OF THE SUN, SEEMED TO BE SHINING FROM THE VERY HEART OF THE HELL, WERE POURING ON THE SNOWHILLS IN THE YARD LIKE THE BLOODSTREAMS, PULSSING FROM THE INVISUABLE ORIGIN, AND IT TOOK FROM KEETHA AWAY HER LAST NATURE GIFT - THE EYE-SIGHT, SO SHE WAS JUST STANDING ON THE UNMELTING ICE, MOVELESS, SPEECHLESS, BLIND AND ALREADY HALF-DEAF... ALMOST LIKE DEAD, LIKE A DYING ONE, WHO ANYWAY HAS REALIZED, HAS FELT BY THE DECOMPOSING SKIN SOMETHING FREAKY, BUT ESSENTIAL, BEFORE THE LAST DROPS OF THE LIFE FLOW OUT OF THE BODY... THIS "SOMETHING" WAS A TOUCH, THE ONLY ONE, VERY TOUGH, CRUEL AND COLD, COLDER THAN THE COLDEST OF THE WINTER NIGHTS IN THE WORLD; IT PAINFULLY SHOOK KEETHA"S BACK, AND A GIRL, LOSING THE COORDINATION, HEAVILY FELL DOWN FROM THE HIGH PORCH. SHE DIDN"T FEEL THE PAIN BECAUSE OF THE STRONG HIT, OR BECAUSE OF THE FALLING DOWN, OR BECAUSE OF THE ICE PRICKS UNDER THE SKIN OF HER HALF-NAKED BODY... THE ONLY THING SHE FELT WAS THE FEAR, FULLFILLING HER HEART AGAIN, LIKE THE WATER FULLFILLS THE RIVERS DURING THE WILDEST ENDLESS RAINS. SHE SQUEEZED HER BODY, TRYING TO BECOME AS SMALLER AS IT"S ONLY POSSIBLE: IT SEEMED LIKE THE ONLY MOVE OF HER HAND, LEG OR HEAD WOULD BE ENOUGH TO MAKE ALL THE BONES INSIDE HER CRACKED AND BROKEN IN PIECES, OR TO MAKE ALL THE VEINS TORN AND POURED OUT BY THE POISONED DIRTY BLOOD. THEN A GIRL BEGAN SCREAMING, HYSTERICALLY, MADLY, CLOSING THE FACE BY THE SHIVERING AND BLUE BECAUSE OF THE FROST HANDS, AND HER SCREAMS WERE SO LOUD THAT SHE MADE HERSELF DEAF AND COULDN"T HEAR THE SILENT, FULL OF THE GLOOM UNLIMITED PLEASURE, LAUGH. IT WAS NICO, LAUGHING AND WATCHING A SCREAMING, CRYING, SHIVERING JEWISH GIRL, WHOM HE SOMEWHEN LOVED AND WHO SOMEWHEN AND EVEN NOW HAS STILL BEEN LOVING HIM.
- NO! - SHOUTED KEETHA AND SUDDENLY STARTED TO WAVE THE HANDS ABOVE HER HEAD, LIKE IF SHE WAS TRYING TO PROTECT HERSELF FROM THE THOUSANDS OF THE HUGE BLACK CROWS, FLYING AROUND HER TO PRICK HER EYES OUT. - NO! NO-O-O-O!... N-NO...
SHE WOULD GIFT HALF OF HER LIFE AWAY TO SUFFER LIKE THIS AND TO TURN THE PAIN SHE WAS PROTECTING FROM IN THE HUGE BLACK CROWS, IN THE THOUSANDS, MILLIONS OF THOSE BEAUTIFUL MAGIC BIRDS. BUT IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE, AS SHE WAS TRYING TO CHASE AWAY HER OWN MEMORIES - AND NOW SHE WAS DROWNING IN THE DARKEST OF IT.
VI
"IF I COULD, I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO SET MYSELF FREE FROM THIS MEMORY... DO YOU, HEAVENLY FATHER, WHO IS ON THE SKIES, HEAR ME? ANYTHING. I WOULD POUR THE BLOOD OUT OF MY VEINS. I WOULD CUT MY TONGUE OFF. I WOULD PRICK MY EYES OUT. I WOULD BLESS THE BELIEF OF THE PAGANS. I WOULD DIE, PROTECTING THE CHRISTIANITY. I WOULD DO ANYTHING IF THERE WOULD BE THE ONLY CHANCE TO BREATHE FREELY AND EASY AGAIN, LIKE AT THE SHORT DAYS OF MY CARELESS CHILDHOOD THERE, IN THE FAR AND ALMOST FORGOTTEN JERUSALEM, BUT IT"S ALL SENCELESSLY, AND THERE"S NOT EVEN THE ONLY OCCASSIONAL HOPE TO TEAR THIS MEMORY OUT OF MY MIND. I MUST LIVE, KEEPING IT INSIDE AT SAFE, LIKE A TREASURE, AND THERE"S NOBODY IN WHOLE THE WORLD WHO WOULD HELP ME TO TELL THE LIE TO MYSELF... SO I HAVE TO PASS THROUGH IT ONE MORE TIME... MAYBE, AT THE VERY LAST TIME... I FEEL SO WEAK NOW... I AM DESTROYING... I FEEL FROZEN AND BURNING AT THE SAME MOMENT. I"M STILL TOUCHED BY THE COLD OF THE ICE RIVER AND THE SMOOTH STONES OF THAT TINY DARK ROOM, BUT THIS COLD IS EXISTING TOGETHER WITH THE HEAT OF THE BOILING WATER IN THE SNOWWHITE BATH AND THE HOT STEAM, WITH THE HEAT FROM THE INFLAMMATED RED SPOTS ON THE EVERY CELL OF MY BODY, ITCHING LIKE THE BITES OF THE BEES, FROM THE BURNING SCRATCHES I HAVE BEEN FORCED TO LEAVE ON MY SKIN, FROM THE SMALL, OPENED AND BLEEDING, WOUNDS OF THE MEDICAL NEEDLES, FROM THE POISON, MAKING MY VEINS DECOMPOSING INSIDE OF ALIVE FLESH... BUT WHAT COULD THE SUFFERS OF FLESH MEAN IN A COMPARATION WITH THE SUFFERS OF MIND? NOTHING. I HAVE ANOTHER ONE TORTURE FOR MYSELF, ANOTHER ONE MEMORY, AWAKENING IN MY CONSCIOUSNESS. OH GOD, I WISH IT COULD BE THE VERY LAST ONE!... PLEASE, HEAR ME THOUGH AT ONCE... I"M SO TIRED AND... IT DOESN"T MATTER. IT"S WORSE THAN SINGING THE ODES TO A DEAF KINGS, AND IT"S ALWAYS LIKE THIS... ALL RIGHT... I"LL TRY TO ACCEPT IT ONCE AGAIN...
IT HAPPENED SEVERAL MONTHS AGO, IN THE VERY BEGINNING OF NOVEMBER, BUT I REALIZE IT JUST LIKE IF IT HAPPENED ONLY YESTERDAY... DAMNED, I REALIZE ALL MY LIFE LIKE IF IT LASTS ONLY A COUPLE OF DAYS AND SO JUST HAVE NO TIME TO TRY TO FORGET SOMETHIN... I REMEMBER EACH OF THE MOMENTS IN ALL THE COLORS. THOSE MOMENTS WERE COLORED IN GREY, IN THE DARK GLOOM GREY... I SEE THE GREY FROZEN LAND, THE GREY SKY, THE GREY SUN, FLOWING THE GREY RAYS ON THE GREY TOWN... AND I AM SITTING ON THE GREY SNOW, SHIVERING AND WRAPING MYSELF UP IN THE GREY WOOD COAT. MY EYES ARE GREY, MY LIPS ARE GREY, MY SKIN IS GREY AND IT SEEMED LIKE IF THE FROST ITSELF HAS THE GREY COLOR TOO. I AM EATING THE LAST SMALL PIECES OF THE GREY TASTELESS BREAD, BUT THIS FOOD ONLY MULTIPLIES MY HUNGER, AND SO I AM STANDING UP AND WALKING DOWN THE GREY STREET. I AM LOOKING ONLY AT THE GREY STREETSTONES UNDER MY FEET, HOPING TO NOTICE THE OCCASSIONALLY FALLEN OUT OF SOMEONE"S POCKET COINS, BUT I ALMOST CAN"T SEE ANYTHING BECAUSE OF THE GREY FOG, LYING ON THE ROADS BY THE HEAVY THICK LAYS... THIS FOG IS THE ONLY THING THAT I REMEMBER FROM THAT JEWISH GHETTO. I UNDERSTAND THAT IT"S ALL SENCELESSLY, BUT I KEEP ON WALKING FURTHER, THROUGH THIS FOG, THAT"S LOOKING LIKE THE SMOKE, RISING UP FROM THE FIRES IN THE CENTER OF THE EARTH. FROM THE HELL. I"M LOSING THE SENCE OF THE TIME AND SPACE, I"M TURNING INTO A ZOMBIE, WHO IS JUST WALKING AND WALKING FORWARD, NO MATTER WHAT EXACTLY IS IN FRONT OF HIM... BUT SUDDENLY THIS ILLUSION GOT BROKEN. I FELT THE UNEXPECTED POWERFULL HIT FROM MY BACK, LIKE IF THE THURNDERSTORM LIGHTNING DID ACHIEVE ME, THEN THE SLOW WARM STREAMS OF BLOOD, SERPENTING AMONG MY HAIR, FALLING TO MY NECK AND SHOULDERS, AND FINALLY THE UNBEARABLE PAIN IN THE HEAD, IN WHOLE THE BODY. I FELL DOWN ON THE STREETSTONES, ALREADY STARTING TO UNDERSTAND, WHAT WAS GOING ON, AND THAT I"LL ANYWAY CAN"T PROTECT MYSELF. SO, LOSING MY LAST STRENGTHS, I SLIGHTLY HEARD THE RUDE VOICES, REPEATING THOSE ALREADY SO FAMILIAR TO ME WORDS "JEW", "ESHIBOTE BITCH", "ISRAEL RUBBISH", AND FELT FOUR STRONG HANDS ON MY BODY, TOUGHLY SQUEEZING IT AND QUICKLY PULLING SOMEWHERE, RIGHT THROUGH THE DIRTY SNOWHEAPS... THEN THERE WAS ANOTHER ONE HIT, NOW UNDER THE RIBS, THEN ANOTHER ONE, ANOTHER ONE AND ANOTHER ONE MORE... I CAN"T ALREADY COUNT IT ALL! I CAN SEE NOTHING BECAUSE THE BLOODSTREAMS, POURING FROM THE HEADON THE FACE, HAVE MADE MY EYES BLIND. I ALMOST CAN NOT BREATHE... THOSE BUSTARDS, WHO HATE THE JEWS, THE GIPSIES, THE ARABIANS - WHAT AN ASHAME IT IS TO DIE FROM THEIR HANDS! WHAT AN ASHAME TO FEEL SO HELPLESS AND CONTEMPTIBLE, WHEN THESE FREAKS ARE IMAGINING THEMSELVES PUNISHING YOU, LIKE A JESUS CHRIST, FOR THE SINS YOU HAVE NEVER MADE! THESE FEELINGS ARE TEARING ME, BUT, FUNNY, I CAN"T MAKE EVEN THE SLIGHT OCCASSIONAL MOVE, WHILE THEY ARE KILLING ME! SOMEBODY JUST SEEMS TO BE PULLING THE CABEL OUT OF THE NET, AND SO I GOT DISCONNECTED. I"M LEAVING THE LAST DROPS OF THE CONSCIOUSNESS IN THE EMPTINESS... AND I STILL BELIEVE THIS MORNING REALLY HAD TO BECOME MY LAST ONE, BUT I WAS WRONG. I WOKE UP AT THE END OF THE SAME DAY, IN A TINY CLEAN ROOM, SHINING BY THE WHITE COLOR OF THE WALLS AND FLOORS. I WAS LYING ON THE LOW AND SOFT, LIKE A CLOUD IN THE SPRING SKY, BED, UNDER THE WARM WOOD PLAID, DRESSED IN THE PULL-OVER, THAT HAS NEVER BELONGED TO ME. THERE WAS ALSO A HIGH ROUND TABLE NEXT TO MY BED, AND THERE WERE SOME FOOD AND A CUP OF HOT TEA OR COFFEE ON IT. OF COURSE, IT WAS A CITY HOSPITAL, BUT, LOOKING AROUND, I QUICKLY UNDERSTOOD THAT IT WASN"T ANY OF THE HOSPITALS OR CLINICS, SITUATED WITHIN THE JEWISH GHETTO, SO I HAD NO IDEA WHAT PART OF THE TOWN I"VE BEEN STAYED IN. A FEW MINUTES HAVE PASSED, AND I HEARD THE KNOCK ON THE DOOR, BUT DIDN"T REPLY AND JUST PRETENDED TO BE SLEEPING. THE DOOR HAS BEEN OPENED, AND I NOTICED A MAN OF MIDDLE AGE AND AN OLD DOCTOR IN THE WHITE CLOTHES ENTERING THE ROOM. THEIR NERVOUSLY EXCITED FACES AND OCCASSIONAL TOUGH MOVES WERE REFLECTING SO CLEAR HOW WORRIED THEY BOTH HAVE BEEN AT THAT TIME, SO I DECIDED TO LISTEN TO THEIR CONVERSATION ATTENTIVELY.
- JUST TAKE A LOOK AT HER, DOCTOR! - IN A SHIVERING WHISPER PRONOUNCED A MAN. - SHE"S STILL OUT OF CONSCIOUSNESS!... HOW DO YOU THINK, WILL SHE GET WELL SOON?...
- OF COURSE, SHE WILL. I ASSUME SHE"S JUST SLEEPING NOW, HAVING A REST, AND THAT"S THE BEST CURE FROM ANY DISEASE, - TRYING TO CALM A MAN DOWN, ANSWERED DOCTOR. - SIR, SHE HAS A LOT OF HEMATOMES, A FEW BONE FRACTURES AND THE DAMAGES OF SOME INNER ORGANS, BUT ACTUALLY SHE MIGHT BE CALLED A LUCKY. ACCORDING TO THE RESULTS I GOT FROM THE X-RAY, EVERYTHING COULD END MUCH MORE TRAGICALLY. TAKING INTO ACCOUNT THE NUMBER AND THE STRENGTH OF THE HITS, I COME TO THE CONCLUSION, THAT SHE COULD NOT ONLY BECOME DISABLED UNTIL THE END OF HER LIFE. SHE COULD EVEN BEEN KILLED.
(YES I KNOW I COULD EVEN BEEN KILLED AND IT WOULD MAKE ME SO HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY HAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPY!)
- POOR CHILD... THANK GOD EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT WITH HER...
- INDEED. SO NOW, WHEN WE HAVE NO REASONS TO WORRY ABOUT HER LIFE, SIR, COULD YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN ME WHAT HAS HAPPENED THIS MORNING WITH THE GIRL? IS SHE YOUR DAUGHTER OR NIECE?
- NO, DOCTOR, WE"RE NOT RELATIVES. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THIS GIRL. I WAS JUST WALKING WITH MY DOG THIS MORNIN, WHEN I SUDDENLY NOTICED HER. SHE WAS LYING UNDER THE HUGE LAY OF THE SNOW, MOVELESS, COLD, WHITE... I REALLY THOUGH SHE"S BEEN ALREADY DEAD... BUT I ANYWAY DECIDED TO CALL THE AMBULANCE. FIRSTLY THE DOCTORS DIDN"T WANNA TAKE HER BECAUSE THERE WEREN"T ANY DOCUMENTS WITH HER, SO I NEEDED TO PAY THEM... BUT IT DOESN"T MATTER. I JUST COULDN"T LET THEM LEAVE THIS GIRL TO DIE ON THE STREET. LOOK AT HER, SHE"S STILL A CHILD! SHE HAS ALL HER LIFE TO LIVE!
- YES, HOPEFULLY, SHE STILL HAS. SHE REALLY IS VERY YOUNG, MAYBE, ABOUT TWENTY - TWENTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, NOT ELDER. IS SHE, IN YOUR OPINION, HOMELESS?
- NO, I SUPPOSE THAT SHE LIVES IN THE JEWISH GHETTO. SUCH KIND OF NASTY ACCIDENTS IS SO COMMON FOR THAT DISTRICT OF THE TOWN: LOCAL CITIZENS JUST TERRORIZE THE JEWS WHO LIVE THERE... IT"S TERRIBLE. I THINK SHE WAS TRYING TO FIND SOME FOOD OR TO EARN SOME MONEY WHEN SOMEBODY ATTACKED HER.
- IN THAT CASE IT MEANS SHE WENT REALLY FARAWAY FROM HER HOME IN THAT GHETTO, ALMOST TO THE OPPOSITE BOARD OF THE TOWN...
- IT"S POSSIBLE. PEOPLE ARE READY TO DO EVERYTHING THEY CAN NOT TO DIE OF HUNGER.
- SO THAT"S A MIRACLE OUR GIRL"S STILL ALIVE. YOU SEE, IT COULD SOUND VERY STRANGELY, BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT DID REALLY SAVE HER LIFE? THE FACT THAT SHE GOT FROZEN TOO FAST.
- SORRY, DOCTOR, I...
- I"LL TRY TO EXPLAIN. IN 1990-S YEARS A CURIOUS MEDICAL PHENOMEN WAS REGISTERED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. A FAMILY OF THE SCIENTISTS WITH THEIR DAUGHTER HAVE BEEN IN THEIR EXPIDITION ACROSS ALASKA AT THAT TIME. THE GIRL GOT LOST THERE DURING THE SNOWSTORM. SHE HAS BEEN FOUND ONLY IN A FEW HOURS AFTER THE ACCIDENT. SHE WAS BURIED IN THE ICE GRAVE, AND, AS THE DOCTORS LEARNED, HER HEART HASN"T BEEN BEATING FOR FORTY MINUTES. JUST IMAGINE YOURSELF - FORTY MINUTES! BUT, AS SHE GOT FROZEN SO FAST, THERE"S STILL BEEN A LOT OF PHYSICAL ENERGY INSIDE HER BODY, ENOUGH TO MAKE THE HEART BEATING AGAIN AFTER THE ELECTRO-SHOCK TREATMENT IN THE LOCAL HOSPITAL. SO, SOMETHING OF THE SAME KIND HAS HAPPENED TO OUR PATIENT TOO. AS I CONCLUSED, HER HEART HASN"T BEEN WORKING FOR HALF-AN-HOUR, BUT HOPEFULLY WE USED THE CHANCE TO MAKE IT BEATING AGAIN. BUT WHEN THIS GIRL HAS ONLY BEEN BROUGHT TO THE EMERGENCY... SHE HAD THE UNMELTING LAYS OF THE ICE ALMOST EVERYWHERE ON HER BODY, ON HER HAIR, ON HER FINGERS AND EYE-LASHES. AND THE TEMPERATURE OF HER BODY WAS ONLY ABOUT EIGHTEEN DEGREES. SHE WAS DEAD. ANYBODY WOULD PROVE SHE WAS DEAD. BUT NOW SHE"S ALIVE AGAIN. IT"S A MIRACLE.
(ALIVE... YES, I"M ALIVE AGAIN... ALIVE, ALIVE, ALIVEALIVEALIVE... HOW DO I HATE THIS NASTY WORD "LIFE"! YES, I"M ALIVE AGAIN! ONLY IT"S NOT A MIRACLE! IT"S THE CURSE! THE CURSE, THE CURSE, THECURSE THECURSE THECURSE!)"
***
THE SHARP SUDDEN PAIN, PIERCING IT"S NEEDLES DEEP UNDER THE SKIN, MOMENTLY MADE KEETHA WOKEN UP. SHE FELT LIKE IF SHE HAS JUST ROSEN UP FROM THE SICK, LASTING FOR MANY DAYS OR EVEN YEARS, DREAM, AND NOW HAS BEEN JUST TRYING TO TAKE BACK FROM THE EMPTINESS HER EYES-SIGHT, HEARING, GIFT OF SPEECH, SENCES OF TIME AND SPACE, LIKE PICKING UP THE TINY BEADS, TORN AND FALLEN DOWN ON THE FLOOR FROM HER NECK. IT"S NOT ALREADY BEEN HER PARANOIC COMATOSE ILLUSION, IT WAS A REALITY, BUT THE SAME FRIGHTING FEELING OF THE STRANGE NATIVE WARMTH ON THE SKIN DID ACHIEVE HER THERE TOO. TAKING A FRUSTRATED LOOK AROUND, KEETHA FINALLY SAW THE BROKEN WINDOW GLASS, SLIGHTLY COLORED IN CRIMSON, AND THE HEAVY STREAMS OF BLOOD, FLOWING FROM HER WOUNDED SHOULDER DOWN BY THE HAND.
- IT MUST WAKE YOU UP, KEETHA. WAKE UP. YOUR TIME"S FINALLY COME.
SHE HAS ALMOST BEEN HAPPY TO HEAR THIS VOICE AGAIN, SILENT, SOFT, LIKE A CHARMING MELODY, MAGNETIC, LIKE THE VOICE OF ANTICHRIST, "SPEAKING NASTY AND PROUDLY", THAT WAS DESCRIBED IN THE BOOK OF REVELATION. FOR THE ONLY OCCASSIONAL SECOND THIS VOICE DID KILL ALL HER PAIN, DID DRY EVERY DROP OF IT, LIKE THE DESERT SUN.
- I"VE WOKEN UP, NICO. I"M NOT SLEEPING ANYMORE, - ANSWERED A GIRL. SHE HASN"T ALREADY BEEN NOTICING THE PRICKING, CUTTING, LIKE THE DAGGER, PAIN IN HER LEFT SHOULDER, IN HER OPENED BLEEDING WOUND FROM THE GLASS, BECAUSE EACH OF THE SMALLEST PART OF HER MIND HAS BEEN ALREADY FORGED TO HIS FACE, TO HIS EYES... AND NICO ONCE AGAIN COULDN"T STAND STILL UNDER HER STRANGE, PULSSING BY SUPERNATURAL ENERGY, SIGHT: HE WEAKLY TOOK HIS EYES OUT OF KEETHA WITHOUT SAYING A WORD. REALIZING IT OR NOT, BUT NICO LET A GIRL ENJOY HIM, AND WITH EVERY MOMENT HE SPENT UNDER HER SIGHT HE SEEMED TO BE GIVING THE DROP OF THE LIFE FROM HIS FLESH AWAY, TO KEETHA, SILENTLY ACCEPTING THIS GIFT. NICO WAS HOPELESSLY LOSING THIS LITTLE WAR.
- TONIGHT I"M HAPPY TO SEE YOU, - SUDDENLY SAID HE, WATCHING EVERY GIRL"S MOVE. - YOU ARE VERY BEAUTIFUL, KEETHA. LOVE AND HATE ARE ALWAYS THE SAME, JUST LIKE LIFE AND DEATH... IT WILL BE ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO EXIST IN THIS WORLD ALONE, WITHOUT YOU... ABSOLUTELY SENCELESSLY. BUT EXISTING TOGETHER WITH YOU WOULD MEAN SELF-DESTRUCTION. SUICIDE.
- I"M VERY TIRED, NICO, - KEETHA MADE A DEEP HEAVY BREATH. - PLEASE, GIVE ME THE PEACE. I AM TOO TIRED TO GO ON.
- YES, I KNOW, - NODDED A BOY AND OFFERED HER TO SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE BY THE SLIGHT GESTURE. - YOU REALLY ARE VERY TIRED. AND I AGREE TO GIVE YOU THE PEACE. YOU WILL BE FREE FROM EVERYTHING. VERY SOON.
HE CAME CLOSER TO KEETHA, SO CLOSELY THAT SHE COULD EASILY FEEL HIS INVISUABLE SHIVER, LIKE THE PULSE OF ELECTRICITY, AND, SQUEEZING HER SHOULDERS, FORCED HER TO SIT DOWN ON THE CHAIR. KEETHA DID BITE THE LIPS, TRYING TO SWALLOW THE SCREAM OF PAIN, BUT, GIVING HERSELF UP TO NICO, LIKE THE SLAVE TO THE MASTER, SAT DOWN ON THE SOFT CHAIR AND FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME IN WHOLE THE LIFE DID REALLY REALIZE THAT SHE COULD HAVE A REST NOW. NICO, WHO WAS SLOWLY TURNING INTO THE BELOVED FRIEND FROM THE DEADLY ENEMY, SEEMED TO TRY TO HELP HER: MEANWHILE HE FULLFILLED THE GLASS BY THE WATER AND THREW... ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX BIG WHITE TABLETS IN IT. THE TABLETS, SILENTLY WHISPERING, STARTED TO MELT IN THE WATER, AND IT"S WHISPER WAS HYPNOTIZING KEETHA.
- THIS IS THE END, - ADDED NICO. - THIS IS THE PEACE FOR YOU. FROM NOW ON YOU MUST ONLY DRINK THIS CURE TO STOP SUFFERING. NO MORE PAIN, NO MORE FEAR, NO MORE SADNESS, KEETHA. JUST IMAGINE YOURSELF. YOU WILL FINALLY BECOME HAPPY. I THINK THAT NOW YOU DID REALLY DESERVE IT. TAKE THIS MEDICINE AND FALL ASLEEP PEACEFULLY. FOREVER.
AND SHE REALLY WANTED, DESIRED BY EACH PART OF HER NATURE, TO DRINK THIS MEDICINE AND TO FALL ASLEEP, PEACEFULLY AND FOREVER, TO GET SEPARATED FROM EVERYTHING THAT"S STILL BEEN TORMENTING HER, BUT AT THE SAME TIME SOMETHING HAS BEEN TOUGHLY STOPPED HER. REALIZING THAT EVERYTHING"S BEEN ALREADY SAID, SHE HAD A STRANGE FEELING SHE HAD TO SAY MORE.
- TO FALL ASLEEP FOREVER, - SILENTLY REPEATED KEETHA, LIKE IF SHE"S BEEN ALREADY FALLING ASLEEP, BUT SUDDENLY SOMETHING SIMILAR WITH ELECTRIC PULSE OR THE HIT OF THE LIGHTNING RUSHED THROUGH HER BODY WITH A SHIVER, AND HER LARGE EYES GOT LIGHTED BY THE MAD FIRES, DANCING IN IT. - FOR WHAT? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE SUCH A FREAKY PUNISHMENT? I"VE NEVER LEFT EVEN THE ONLY DIRTY SPOT ON MY SOUL - IT"S STILL PURE LIKE AT THE DAY OF MY BIRTH... HOW CAN YOU, GOD DAMNED, CONSIDER MY CURSE TO BE THE SIN? IT"S NOT MY FAULT THAT I SEE WHAT I SEE... IT"S NEVER BEEN MY FAULT...
- YOU GOT ALL YOUR LIFE LIKE THE ONE ENDLESS TORTURE, - ANSWERED NICO. - YOU ARE FREAKY TIRED. I WAS SURE THAT YOU WANTED TO STOP IT.
- RIGHT, I DO, - AGREED KEETHA. - I WANT TO DIE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND, NICO? TO DIE, BUT NOT TO BE KILLED FOR THE SINS I"VE NEVER DONE...
NICO SMILED.
- DEATH IS A DEATH. NO MATTER, WHAT WAY YOU"VE SOMEWHEN CHOSEN, BECAUSE YOU"LL ANYWAY COME AT THE SAME PLACE. JUST ACCEPT AND THEN IMAGINE IT IN ANY COLORS. IT"S ALREADY YOUR RIGHT TO DECIDE. BUT FIRSTLY YOU MUST DO THE VERY LAST STEP. OTHERWISE IT WILL BE SENCELESSLY TO TALK ABOUT IT AT ALL, WON"T IT?
(AND SERIOUSLY, ISN"T HE RIGHT? HOW MANY WORDS I STILL HAVE TO SAY ABOUT IT? EACH OF IT JUST THROWS ME AWAY, FURTHER FROM THE END OF MY WAY, BACK TO IT"S BEGINNING, AND I DON"T WANT TO RETURN THERE - I"LL BETTER DO EVERYTHING HE TELLS ME TO)