# Спектакль Eight Minus One

Анна Александровна Аниконова

Во время ужина в семье Уисбек, которая когда-то основала Общество английского языка, происходит убийство. Теперь собравшимся родственникам, главам подсообещств, предстоит выяснить, кто же является убийцей при условии, что ни у кого из присутствующих нет явного мотива совершить нечто подобное. Из-за этого все они становятся подозреваемыми.

EIGHT MINUS ONE

Ann Anikonova

Each family has skeletons in their cupboard.

THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE SOCIETY (THE ELS) WAS FOUNDED IN THE 9TH CENTURY. IT INCLUDES ALL THE EARLY EXISTED AND NOW EXISTING ACCENTS AND DIALECTS OF ENGLISH. THE FOUNDER OF THE ELS IS BRITTANIA WISBECH, WHOSE FAMILY HAS BEEN RUNNING THE SUBSOCIETIES: AMERICAN, AUSTRALIAN, IRISH, COCKNEY, WEST-COUNTRY, GERMAN ETC. THE MAIN SUBSOCIETY IS THE BRITISH ENGLISH SOCIETY. MISS BRITT HAS BEEN THE HEAD OF THE BES SINCE 1830. THE STATUS OF THE HEAD IS TRANSMITTED BY BIRTH TO THE OLDEST CHILD EVERY 235 YEARS. THE HEADS OF EACH SUBSOCIETY MAKE SURE THAT AN ACCENT OR A DIALECT IS NOT FORGOTTEN AND BEING DEVELOPED. THEY CAN CHANGE LANGUAGE LAWS AND RULES.

AT PRESENT THESE ARE THE HEADS OF THE SUBSOCIETIES:

MISS BRITT WISBECH Б─" BRITISH ES (SINCE 1830).

ALPHARD WISBECH Б─" COCKNEY S (SINCE 1840).

FINA WISBECH Б─" IRISH ES (SINCE 1831).

DEAN WISBECH Б─" WEST-COUNTRY ES (SINCE 2015).

ERIC WISBECH Б─" AMERICAN ES (SINCE 1842).

ARTHUR PHILLIP WISBECH Б─" AUSTRALIAN ES (SINCE 1788).

PATRICIA WISBECH Б─" GERMAN ES (SINCE 1936).

SCENE 1

DINING ROOM IN MISS BRITTБ─≥S HOUSE

There is a table and chairs on the stage. AUSSIE comes in.

AUSSIE

GБ─≥day, mates. IБ─≥m flattered to be chosen to share this story with you. Although it is very traumatic for me, I feel like you need to know what exactly had happened in detail.

AUSSIE sits.

AUSSIE

It was supposed to be a usual family dinner. Miss Britt [MISS BRITT comes in] invited us, her relatives, to her house in England. We havenБ─≥t seen each other for more than 25 years.

MISS BRITT stands next to the table and starts putting the dishes on.

AUSSIE

Miss Britt is too quick-witted. SheБ─≥s a smart and serious woman who cares about her image and reputation. ThatБ─≥s why she wants this dinner to be perfect. There will be tons of articles about our noble and ancient family reunion.

MISS BRITT

Fina! Bring the glasses! [little pause] Oh, whereБ─≥s Alphard? He was supposed to arrive a half an hour ago!

FINA comes in with glasses in her hands.

AUSSIE

ThatБ─≥s Fina, a free spirit. She

is the artistic soul but some people find her loony as they believe that sheБ─≥s able to talk to ghosts. I guess they went troppo [AUSSIE twists his finger at the temple]. She might be a bit distracted andБ─i [FINA accidently drops a glass] clumsy.

MISS BRITT

(angrily)

Fina!

FINA

(raises the glass)

Sorry, auntie! Look, itБ─≥s not broken!

MISS BRITT

And still, be more careful. [MISS BRITT looks at her watch] Where is Alphard?! He promised to come earlier!

FINA

If IБ─≥m not mistaken, he was goinБ─≥ to pick up Dean.

MISS BRITT

(exhales)

Well, he was going to help me here too. Is everything ready?

FINA

(nods)

Almost. De roast beef will be ready by de time everyone arrives.

MISS BRITT

And what about your ShepherdБ─≥s pie?

FINA

(smiles)

In de oven.

MISS BRITT

Good. [little pause] To tell the truth, IБ─≥m a bit nervous. ItБ─≥s been 25 years.

FINA

(pats MISS BRITTБ─≥s arm)

DonБ─≥t worry. Dis dinnerБ─≥s going to be unforgettable. WeБ─≥ll have fun!

ERIC comes in panting with a box in his hands.

ERIC

IБ─≥m really, really sorry. [ERIC takes off his scarf] IБ─≥m not used to your sub- sorry, underground. It seemed like a challenge to me.

MISS BRITT

(comes to ERIC)

Eric! IБ─≥m so glad to see you!

ERIC

Likewise, miss Britt! [ERIC hugs MISS BRITT] ItБ─≥s been such a while! Here, look what I got you.

ERIC gives MISS BRITT the box. MISS BRITT sniffs it.

MISS BRITT

(takes the box)

Apple pie! Oh, IБ─≥ve missed it very much! ThatБ─≥s very kind of you.

ERIC

DonБ─≥t forget to add a scoop of vanilla ice cream to each portion before bringing them to the table. ItБ─≥ll be the perfect combination. [ERIC turns to FINA]Fina!

FINA

(hugs ERIC)

Haigh, Eric! How was your flight across de Atlantic?

ERIC

IБ─≥d rather forget it.

AUSSIE

Eric is always scared of being late but in real life he actually never is. However, between us, heБ─≥s a little bit of a liar. He knows how to use metro properly but sometimes he can just stand and stare at a cool car. DonБ─≥t get me wrong, Eric is nice and really good at cars but there are moments when his obsession truly scares me.

ERIC

(looks around)

Where is everyone?

MISS BRITT

I wish I knew.

FINA

Well, I deem Aussie and Rikki are goinБ─≥ to be late. Dey are cominБ─≥ from afar.

MISS BRITT

(irritably)

Which you canБ─≥t say about Alphard!

ALPHARD comes in, DEAN goes behind.

ALPHARD

(takes off his hat)

DonБ─≥ get too mad, me dear sister! I Б─≤ave brought you a guesБ─≥!

MISS BRITT

(comes to ALPHARD and frowns)

You should have brought your arse here 40 minutes ago.

ALPHARD

(smiles)

IБ─≥m glad to see you too. DonБ─≥ make such a gloomy boaБ─≥ race.

MISS BRITT exhales and hugs ALPHARD.

ALPHARD

Oh, and this is for the hosБ─≥!

ALPHARD steps back, DEAN comes to MISS BRITT with a string of flowers.

MISS BRITT

(takes the flowers)

Oh, Dean! [MISS BRITT hugs DEAN] Thank you! How was your ride?

DEAN

Alright.

MISS BRITT

Glad to hear it! Please, take a seat.

ALPHARD and DEAN greet FINA and ERIC.

AUSSIE

Alphard is the true Londoner. He also might be rude and arrogant which is why sometimes itБ─≥s hard to have a convo with him. But heБ─≥s still a cool guy. And he knows everything about alcohol. One of the reasons he got along with Patricia so quickly.

AUSSIE

Dean has become the new Head of West-Country English Society only in 2015 thatБ─≥s why only Miss Britt, Alphard and Fina already know him in person. But as I know, Dean is not really a talkative person. He doesnБ─≥t like big companies and I think he would prefer to stay at his farm where his West-Country soul has spent these eight years. But Miss BrittБ─≥s invitation (and promised roast beef) melted his heart (and stomach).

ALPHARD

(comes to ERIC)

Mr. Americ! You Б─≤avenБ─≥t changed.

ERIC

(shakes ALPHARDБ─≥s hand)

Oh, believe me, I did which I canБ─≥t really say about you.

ALPHARD

(turns to FINA)

I just Б─≤ave a magic portrait which FinaБ─≥s made for me. I donБ─≥ age, I donБ─≥ change. RighБ─≥, Fina? I ainБ─≥ seen you here for a long time. Was you practicing for your fairy fings? [ALPHARD smirks]

FINA

Nai youБ─≥re laughing but dereБ─≥ll be a moment when I succeed.

ALPHARD

DoubБ─≥ it. This magic stuff doesnБ─≥ work, Fina. If you was gifted like your favuh, you wouldБ─≥ve already known it.

ERIC

(to DEAN)

ItБ─≥s so nice to finally meet you, Dean! [ERIC shakes DEANБ─≥s hand] HowБ─≥s your farm?

DEAN

As always. Nothing grows but grass.

ERIC

(being confused turns to MISS BRITT)

What did he say?

MISS BRITT

As always. Nothing grows but grass.

DEAN

But like a month ago someone sneaked in, frightened my cows and broke some branches of my trees and berry bushes. Wish I knew who had done it. Flash bastards.

FINA

Oh, datБ─≥s awful!

ERIC looks at FINA, then at MISS BRITT.

MISS BRITT

Someone sneaked in DeanБ─≥s farm, frightened the cows and broke some branches of trees and bushes.

ERIC

(nods)

Thanks. IБ─≥m not really used to West-Country dialect, itБ─≥s kindaБ─i specific. And the situation is bad. DidnБ─≥t you go to the police?

ALPHARD

(gets a pipe out of a pocket)

Nah, he didnБ─≥. Dean ainБ─≥ believe in them. And speaking of Б─≤is dialect, all I say Б─" you ainБ─≥ just spent every weekend of these eight years going fishing with Б─≤im. I Б─≤ave but sometimes I still question some of his phrases.

MISS BRITT

(takes the pipe)

DonБ─≥t smoke in my house.

FINA

Oh, are you goodj at fishing, Dean?

DEAN

I suppose.

ALPHARD

Suppose?! DonБ─≥ be shy! HeБ─≥s the besБ─≥ fisherman I know!

Heels ring on the floor.

ERIC

(turns to the door)

Familiar sound.

PATRICIA comes in.

PATRICIA

Guten Tag, meine lieben Freunde. Wir haben uns zuб lange nicht gesehen.

ALPHARD

Wow, this is our distanБ─≥ relative! Here we speak only English, frau Patricia [german accent].

PATRICIA

Ja-ja. Das ist alles Quatsch.

ALPHARD

Genau. [ALPHARD kisses PATRICIAБ─≥s hand]

AUSSIE

Meet Patricia, or more correctly to say Б─" Patricia [german accent]. However, she doesnБ─≥t like when we imitate German accent and thatБ─≥s why we call her just Pat.

MISS BRITT comes and hugs PATRICIA.

PATRICIA

(comes and hugs FINA)

Fina, meine Fee, hallo! [PATRICIA hugs FINA]

FINA

Hello, dear Pat! Please, take a seat.

MISS BRITT

Pat! ItБ─≥s so lovely you managed to arrive!

PATRICIA

Ja! IБ─≥ve missed you and old mother England. Eric, you havenБ─≥t changed at all!

ERIC

(smiles softly)

Believe me, dear Pat, I did.

PATRICIA

Und Dean! I heard so much about you. So glad to finally meet you.

DEAN

(shakes PATRICIAБ─≥s hand)

Me too.

AUSSIE

Pat loves travelling. I believe sheБ─≥s already seen the whole world but every time I ask her about that, she says the same thing: Б─°There are too many places to visit in this world.

And to hide if you are tired of people. I havenБ─≥t seen all of them yetБ─².

PATRICIA

I couldnБ─≥t come without a little present.

MISS BRITT

Pat, dear, we have so much food today.

PATRICIA

(gets a bottle out of her purse)

ThatБ─≥s good, because I brought some wine.

ALPHARD

(takes the bottle)

IБ─≥ll take care of it.

ALPHARD goes to the table and starts filling the glasses with wine.

AUSSIE

When Pat and Alphard met for the first timeБ─i HmБ─i I donБ─≥t remember when exactly. Alright, never mind. When it happened, they immediately became friends because of their common interests andБ─i [whispers] basically their alcohol obsession.

PATRICIA

Am I the last one to arrive?

FINA

No, Pat, we are still waitinБ─≥ for Aussie andj Rikki.

AUSSIE

to the audience

I beg your pardon.

AUSSIE goes away.

PATRICIA

Oh! Australian folks. Gut, gut. Aber what about Arthur himself?

MISS BRITT

He wrote a lettuh in which he apologised for being not able to visit our family dinner. HeБ─≥s too busy now Б─" getting ready for the ceremony. I believe Б─" to transfer the reins of power to Aussie. ThatБ─≥s why Arthur sent him and Rikki here.

ERIC

(surprisingly)

Is it already AussieБ─≥s turn to become the Head of Australian English Society?

MISS BRITT

Yes, itБ─≥s been 235 years since Arthur founded it. The ceremony will take place in Sydney this December.

ALPHARD

Б─≤ope, they invite us.

MISS BRITT

Of course, they will. [pause] Well, Aussie and Rikki will probably be late, so please, dear guests, let us begin.

MISS BRITT

(stands, smiles and raises a glass)

Let me raise the first toastБ─i

RIKKI

(runs in panting)

Wait!

AUSSIE goes behind RIKKI with a big bag in his hands.

FINA

Rikki! Aussie! YouБ─≥re almost on time!

AUSSIE

And we would be exactly on time ifБ─i

RIKKI

This is my fault. I asked Aussie to fly over the South Pole.

PATRICIA

(being surprised)

Over the South Pole? Aber why?

RIKKI

(looks down feeling guilty)

I thought itБ─≥d be fasterБ─i

MISS BRITT

Oh, my child, I should give you a world map.

RIKKI

You already did. But your map was turned upside down for some reason.

MISS BRITT

(shakes her head)

Oh, Rikki. Please, both of you, come to us. I was about to propose a toast.

AUSSIE and RIKKI sit at the table.

MISS BRITT

(stands and raises a glass)

Let me raise the first toast to us. To our family. I cannot describe how happy I am at the moment that, not all of us, but a part of us could be here today. LetБ─≥s also welcome the new Head of West-Country English Society Б─" Dean [EVERYONE applauses]. Hope you will help West-Country dialect develop. To the House of Wisbech!

EVERYONE

(raises their glasses)

To the House of Wisbech!

EVERYONE takes a sip. ALPHARD chokes on.

ALPHARD

(looks at his glass, then at PATRICIA)

PaБ─≥, whaБ─≥ is thaБ─≥?

PATRICIA

Wine.

ALPHARD

Non-alcoholic wine, PaБ─≥.

ERIC

(surprisingly)

Is it?

ALPHARD

Yes. WhaБ─≥ does it mean?

PATRICIA

Robbie und I decided that there was too much beer on Oktoberfest, so we need some rest from alcohol. ItБ─≥s healthier und besides it tastes almost the same.

ALPHARD

Б─°AlmosБ─≥Б─² is the key word.

FINA

Come on, Alphard, it tastes weirdj only for you. Stop giving out.

RIKKI

(empties her glass)

Yes, itБ─≥s actually dinky-di (really) good.

ALPHARD

Only because you donБ─≥ know what true nectar tastes like.

MISS BRITT

Should I get you a bottle of peach brandy?

ALPHARD

The one that Fayetteб left?

MISS BRITT

Yes.

ALPHARD

No.

MISS BRITT

(whispers)

Then drink this and donБ─≥t get on

everybodyБ─≥s nerves.

ALPHARD

(exhales and looks at PATRICIA)

Traitor.

ALPHARD demonstratively empties the glass.

ERIC

Fayette? Will she join us today?

MISS BRITT

No, unfortunately. The French English Society had faced some troubles and she stayed to solve them. But she came here about a month ago, brought that brandy.

AUSSIE

I havenБ─≥t seen her in a while.

PATRICIA

Ja, me too, is she alright?

ALPHARD

Yeah, but these Society Barney Rubbles are exhausting sometimes.

ERIC

Oh, Miss Britt, before I forget, IБ─≥d like to ask Б─" is there still a possibility that the Congress on the English language development will take place in the USA, not in Canada?

MISS BRITT

No, Eric. IБ─≥ve already signed the paper. Besides, it was you who told me to change the venue.

ERIC

Yes, butБ─i I reconsidered and-

MISS BRITT

No, IБ─≥m not going to change anything.

ERIC

Miss Britt-

MISS BRITT

Eric, the subjectБ─≥s closed.

Little pause.

FINA

Aussie, Rikki, how was your flight?

AUSSIE

Alright, ta! (thank you)

RIKKI

The flight was alright but the road to your house, miss Britt, was bloody ripper! Nothing can be cooler.

PATRICIA

Why so?

RIKKI

My father gifted me a new car! [ERIC chokes on] And I was driving all the way! The best feeling ever.

ERIC

(being intrigued)

A new car? Was it for your birthday?

RIKKI

(nods)

No- I mean, yeah. Yes. For my birthday.

MISS BRITT

But whyБ─≥d you transport a car here? You couldБ─≥ve taken a cab.

RIKKI

Aussie asked me to take it.

FINA

Aussie, if IБ─≥m not mistaken you hadj a car too, right?

AUSSIE

Yes, but itБ─≥s being repaired now.

ERIC

(to RIKKI)

May I take a look at yours?

RIKKI

Sure, itБ─≥s outside.

ERIC stands up.

MISS BRITT

Eric, do it after the dinner please.

ERIC

(being a bit embarrassed, sits down)

Yes, of course, sorry.

ALPHARD

HowБ─≥s Arthur?

AUSSIE

Good. Preparing for the ceremony.

PATRICIA

You must be so excited, Aussie!

AUSSIE

(smiles)

Yes, I am.

PATRICIA

I remember the day I became the Head of my society. I was so worried!

ALPHARD

We ALL remember thaБ─≥ day, dear PaБ─≥.

FINA

Yeah, I still believe it was de loudest holiday Germany ever experienced.

ALPHARD

(nods)

And the drunkesБ─≥.

PATRICIA

Bitte, donБ─≥t remind me about that part.

AUSSIE

turns to the audience

So called Б─°Pat DayБ─² has been celebrated annually on the 25th of September since 1936. It is an official day out in Germany.

ERIC

I think nothing like this will happen to AussieБ─≥s ceremony, Arthur isnБ─≥t really into alcohol. He might not approve such a fun.

AUSSIE

Yeah, youБ─≥re bloody right about it. He said he would forbid any kind of alcohol. Right, Rikki?

RIKKI nods.

ERIC

Oh, I heard, a couple of months ago someone drunk hit two little boys to death not far from Melbourne.

AUSSIE

(nods)

Yeah, but as I know, the driver wasnБ─≥t identified.

PATRICIA

This is awful! That nutter can still be driving around Straн╡en. What if they cause any more accidents and deaths?!

AUSSIE

Police officers are looking for them.

MISS BRITT sniffs.

MISS BRITT

I donБ─≥t like the smell. Fina, please help me in the kitchen.

FINA

Sure.

MISS BRITT and FINA stand up and leave.

DEAN

Never been to Oz.

ALPHARD

Neither of us.

ERIC

Even you, Pat?

PATRICIA

Nein, aber itБ─≥s my dream, despite the crazy drivers. Oh, and IБ─≥m a bit scared of kangaroos. The are really ugly.

RIKKI gasps.

AUSSIE

(takes a sip)

You shouldnБ─≥t have said that.

PATRICIA

(looks at RIKKI)

Was?

RIKKI

DonБ─≥t you dare say anything bad about kangas. They are the sweetest! Especially my dear dear boy Jack! Here, I have a pic.

RIKKI takes for a photo of Jack and gives it to PATRICIA.

RIKKI

There he is, my Jackie boy!

ERIC

(being shocked)

YouБ─≥ve got a kangaroo as your pet?

RIKKI

Yes. I am not mad to keep a dog. Dingoes are dangerous.

ALPHARD

And kangaroos ainБ─≥?

RIKKI

No, if you cherish them.

PATRICIA looks at the picture and tries to fake a smile.

PATRICIA

(stops smiling)

Nein, sorry, I canБ─≥t. HeБ─≥s too big and scary for me. Looks like he can knock you out.

AUSSIE

Oh, he actually can.

DEAN

Cool, IБ─≥d love to see it.

ALPHARD

Yeah, me too.

PATRICIA

Nein, Rikki, itБ─≥s too much. I understand if you have a cat or a dog, but a kangaroo? Also, all these spiders and snakes und koala bears. Sometimes I donБ─≥t really understand how you live there. Und the more important question Б─" why?

RIKKI

(grunts)

For your info, [RIKKI takes out a picture of a koala] they are just koalas. This is Kimmy, by the way. And we live there cause itБ─≥s our home. In this case, I believe, Oz isnБ─≥t a good place for you to go. And even if you decide to visit it, you wonБ─≥t be able to Б─" I wonБ─≥t write an invitation letter for you-

AUSSIE

Dean, I heard someone had sneaked in your farm. Was anything stolen?

DEAN

Nah, just got my cows dreaded and broke some of the branches.

RIKKI

Who could do it?

ALPHARD

(takes out the pipe and a box of matches)

Some toБ─≥al idiots.

FINA comes in.

FINA

IБ─i Alphard, donБ─≥t smoke. [ALPHARD clicks his tongue, rolls eyes and hides the pipe] IБ─≥m afraid weБ─≥ll have to wait for dinner for an hour if not more. Uhm, de roast beefБ─i itБ─≥s uhmБ─i too roasted.

DEAN grunts.

RIKKI

ThatБ─≥s OK. We can wait.

ERIC

Can I see your new car please?

RIKKI

Sure, letБ─≥s go.

RIKKI and ERIC leave.

AUSSIE

(to FINA)

You need any help in the kitchen?

FINA

I donБ─≥t know. Everyting is going not as planned, Miss Britt is nervous. I need to go out to do some messages. WeБ─≥re out of lettuce.

AUSSIE

IБ─≥ll go and help Miss Britt.

FINA

Tank you, Aussie.

PATRICIA

Who wants some more wine?

ALPHARD

DonБ─≥ even look at me. The stuff is gross.

AUSSIE

Rikki will, she loved it.

AUSSIE and FINA leave. PATRICIA fills RIKKIБ─≥s glass.

PATRICIA

(to ALPHARD)

ItБ─≥s not that bad.

ALPHARD

(nods)

Yeah, youБ─≥re righБ─≥. ItБ─≥s just awful. [to DEAN] Do you wanБ─≥ a cuppa Rosey, me dear mate?

DEAN

Tea? Б─≤d love to.

ALPHARD

PaБ─≥?

PATRICIA

(takes a sip of wine)

YouБ─≥re right, itБ─≥s awful. LetБ─≥s

drink some tea.

ALPHARD, PATRICIA and DEAN leave.

MISS BRITT comes in with some napkins, AUSSIE goes behind with plates in his hands.

MISS BRITT

(puts napkins on the table)

Thank you so much for help, Aussie.

AUSSIE

Oh, itБ─≥s OK.

MISS BRITT

I canБ─≥t believe youБ─≥re about to become the new Head of Australian English Society. YouБ─≥ve grown so much. [looks at AUSSIE and smiles] I know youБ─≥ll be great. IБ─≥m so proud of you. Sure, Arthur is even prouder.

AUSSIE

Hope, he is.

MISS BRITT

Of course, he is! IБ─≥ve got a letter from him this morning but I was too busy to read it.

AUSSIE

A letter?

MISS BRITT

Yes, Fina brought it. It must be an invitation letter.

AUSSIE

(smiles softly)

I see.

Little pause.

MISS BRITT

IsnБ─≥t Rikki jealous of you?

AUSSIE

No, not at all. She knows the rules. The status of the Head is always transmitted by birth to the oldest child.

MISS BRITT

(smiles)

Yes, I remember. Just sometimes siblings can fight.

AUSSIE

Oh, we did a lot, but when we were younger.

MISS BRITT

Alphard and I still can fight.

AUSSIE

Well, IБ─≥m sure itБ─≥s not that serious and he loves you, even if he doesnБ─≥t show it. After all, youБ─≥re his blood sister.

MISS BRITT

Technically, a sister from another father. But it doesnБ─≥t really matter. You know, IБ─≥m not sure if he has a capacity to love someone. He loves alcohol, thatБ─≥s what I know for sure. But peopleБ─i Well, he can sacrifice anyone and anything for his goal.

Little pause.

AUSSIE

He actually reminds me of someone.

MISS BRITT

Really? I canБ─≥t believe someone can be as cocky and selfish as Alphard is.

ALPHARD

(screams from the kitchen)

Miss Britt! I guess something is burning.

MISS BRITT

(raises her voice)

Well, if itБ─≥s your pipe, Alphard WisbechБ─i!

MISS BRITT leaves.

AUSSIE turns to the audience.

AUSSIE

As you can see, nothing too special. Just some family members argue as they always do. But what happens next, will leave you speechless. I still canБ─≥t grasp how it has occurred.

RIKKI and ERIC come back.

ERIC

CanБ─≥t believe that youБ─≥ve got a new Maloo! Holden shut down the production of these in 2017. Well, and Holden itself ceased trading at the end of 2020. HowБ─≥d you get one?

RIKKI

My father knew I wanted this one. It was a special order from him to General-Motors.

ERIC

I thought Maloos were only green.

RIKKI

Usually are. But again, special order equals special colour. Sunny yellow and no other.

ERIC

This model is very rare.

RIKKI nods.

AUSSIE

to the audience

Eric has kind of a list of cars he saw and drove in his life. The cooler the car is, the more he can brag about it. And if Eric has an opportunity to own a cool car, he doesnБ─≥t see any obstacles.

ERIC

May I drive it?

RIKKI

(takes her glass of wine)

Sure. We can have a race after dinner.

ERIC

Awesome!

RIKKI takes a sip and chokes on.

AUSSIE

What is it?

RIKKI

Tastes weird. A bit bitter.

AUSSIE

Bitter?

RIKKI

Yeah. Maybe thatБ─≥s what Alphard meant. But I liked it. [RIKKI empties the glass] Dunno what happened to it.

AUSSIE

Maybe you shouldnБ─≥t have drunk it.

RIKKI

Nah, itБ─≥s fine. Need to ask miss Britt to open that bottle of peach brandy.

MISS BRITT, ALPHARD, DEAN and PATRICIA return.

MISS BRITT

Rule number one Б─" no smoking in my house! When will you learn that?

ALPHARD

When you allow me to smoke in your Б─≤ouse.

MISS BRITT

(sighs)

Unbearable. [little pause] I am extremely sorry for this accident with the roast beef.

ERIC

DonБ─≥t worry, miss Britt. Anything can happen.

MISS BRITT

But not on the day of our reunion!

PATRICIA

(comes to MISS BRITT and pats her)

ItБ─≥s fine, miss Britt. We came here to meet each other, not to eat.

DEAN

WellБ─i

ALPHARD

Just letБ─≥s think that the burnБ─≥ roasБ─≥ beef is the worsБ─≥ part of the day, alrighБ─≥? WhereБ─≥s Fina by the way?

AUSSIE

She said something about messages and lettuce and left.

MISS BRITT

To do messages means to do shopping in Irish English. SheБ─≥ll be back soon.

ALPHARD

Anyway, what do we do now?

ERIC

Shall I dance maybe?

MISS BRITT, ALPHARD, AUSSIE and PATRICIA

NO!

ALPHARD

WeБ─≥ve Б─≤ad enough of this.

AUSSIE

to the audience

Believe me, youБ─≥d better not see that clown dance Eric performed the last time we met.

ERIC

(rolls hies eyes)

Alright, alright! Why donБ─≥t we go to the garden then?

PATRICIA

Oh, ja! [turns to MISS BRITT] You told me you had some new flowers in there. IБ─≥m dying to see new petunias, really!

MISS BRITT

Oh, thatБ─≥s Dean who brought me them! Actually, I believe he could give us a little tour, couldnБ─≥t you, Dean? He already knows everything about this garden.

DEAN

Not everything, but quite much, to be honest.

ALPHARD

Agh! You just canБ─≥t be that shy!

EVERYONE except RIKKI stands up and is ready to go.

RIKKI

(touches her stomach)

Go without me. IБ─≥ll stay here.

AUSSIE

Why?

RIKKI

I just feel a bit weird.

MISS BRITT

(comes to RIKKI)

Oh, sweety, shall I call a doctor?

RIKKI

No, no, itБ─≥s nothing, really.

MISS BRITT

IБ─≥ll stay with you then.

RIKKI

No need, miss Britt.

AUSSIE

IБ─≥ll stay.

RIKKI

No, Aussie, I promise, everythingБ─≥s fine. Probably I really shouldnБ─≥t have drunk that non-alcoholic wine. My throat is all dry.

ALPHARD

(pokes PATRICIA)

Told you, it was foul.

ERIC

We all can just stay inside.

RIKKI

Please, go, donБ─≥t stay inside only because of me. IБ─≥ll join you later. ItБ─≥s fine I promise. I just need a big glass of water.

MISS BRITT

IБ─≥ll ask Dorothy to get you some water and to look after you.

RIKKI

ButБ─"

MISS BRITT

No Б─°butsБ─².

RIKKI

Alright, ta.

AUSSIE

WeБ─≥ll be waiting for you outside.

DEAN, ALPHARD, PATRICIA and AUSSIE leave. MISS BRITT wants to start going, but stops.

MISS BRITT

Sure, youБ─≥re fine?

RIKKI

(starts breathing a bit heavily)

Yes, miss Britt.

MISS BRITT

(starts leaving)

If you need something, tell Dorothy or call for me.

RIKKI

Oh, miss Britt, may I open that bottle of peach brandy?

MISS BRITT

(smiles)

Alright, IБ─≥ll get you it.

MISS BRITT leaves.

END OF SCENE 1

SCENE 2

GARDEN

A picture of the autumn garden is on the screen. Some chairs are on the stage.

AUSSIE, ALPHARD, PATRICIA and DEAN are on the stage. MISS BRITT comes in.

MISS BRITT

So, what about a little tour, Dean?

DEAN

Alright. [DEAN points at a tree] A maple tree. As I remember, itБ─≥s a gift from Laurie. [MISS BRITT nods] But no maple syrup now, only in the beginning of spring.

ERIC

Oh, Laurie! We see each other monthly and he always brings a big jar of this syrup.

ALPHARD

(takes out his pipe and sits on the chair)

ThatБ─≥s a Canadian symbol, whatБ─≥d you expecБ─≥? [ALPHARD catches MISS BRITTБ─≥s look] WhaБ─≥? WeБ─≥re noБ─≥ in your Б─≤ouse, I may smoke.

ERIC

Yes, I get it and this is very kind of him. But IБ─≥m already allergic to maple.

MISS BRITT sits on the chair.

PATRICIA

Petunias!

DEAN

(nods)

My pride. These colours are unusual. The ones with black petals and bright pink spots are my favourite. A very rare sort.

PATRICIA

May I have some sprouts for my garden? They are so lovely!

DEAN

IБ─≥ve got some on my farm. Can get yer some. But yer need to plant them in May.

PATRICIA

Danke, Dean!

AUSSIE

(points at purple flowers)

What is that? Looks like a bellflower.

DEAN

Foxglove, or Digitalis purpurea. Be careful, itБ─≥s poisonous and even fatal.

ERIC

Poisonous?!

PATRICIA

Fatal?!

MISS BRITT

DonБ─≥t scare them, Dean.

DEAN

(smirks)

ItБ─≥s fatal in case of an overdose. May lead to cardiac arrest. DonБ─≥t worry, itБ─≥s harmless to look at. [AUSSIE leans forward and sniffs] Which I canБ─≥t really say about smelling itБ─i [AUSSIE leans back] Kidding.

AUSSIE

Miss Britt, whereБ─≥d you get it?

MISS BRITT

Dean brought it. Almost everything here is planted by him.

ERIC

Dean, whereБ─≥d you get it?

DEAN

The Alnwick Garden. Yer heard of that?

AUSSIE

Yes, itБ─≥s in the northeast of England.

DEAN

Correct. People who work there kindly gave me some sprouts including foxglove.

ALPHARD

(smirks)

Kindly gave you?

DEAN squints.

AUSSIE

What else did theyБ─i give you?

DEAN

Bean trefoil, or Laburnum. An extremely beautiful tree but all parts of it are poisonous so miss Britt asked me not to plant it here. However, IБ─≥ve got one on my farm. Just donБ─≥t eat its flowers if you come. What elseБ─i Black cherry, or Atropa belladonnaБ─i contains a very dangerous toxin. AndБ─i Kath, or Cathaб edulis. Yeah. ThatБ─≥s all, I think.

ERIC

Kath? But thatБ─≥s illegal.

DEAN

If you use it inappropriately.

PATRICIA

Why do you need all of these?

DEAN

Kinda a collection. My farmБ─≥s a unique place. Yer can find there cows and poisonous plants at the same time.

DEAN, ERIC, PATRICIA and AUSSIE discuss something in the back.

ALPHARD

(to MISS BRITT)

Is everything alrighБ─≥?

MISS BRITT

(looks at ALPHARD)

Yes, why do you ask?

ALPHARD

You just look more worried than usual.

MISS BRITT

Like you care.

ALPHARD

DonБ─≥, actually. The atmosphere around you is jusБ─≥ really depressing.

MISS BRITT

(looks angrily, takes her eyes off ALPHARD and sighs)

This is not how I planned it.

ALPHARD

So?

MISS BRITT

So? ThatБ─≥s all that you can say?

ALPHARD

And whaБ─≥ am I supposБ─≥ to say?

MISS BRITT

Nothing, I just forgot youБ─≥re unable to support anyone.

ALPHARD

All I can say to supporБ─≥ you is Б─°stop being such a control freakБ─². We ainБ─≥ little children to be entertainБ─≥ or spoon-fed at the set time. Everything is fine. No oneБ─≥s dead.

AUSSIE

turns to the audience

Remember that.

MISS BRITT

WhatБ─≥s taking Fina so long? And Rikki?

ALPHARD

A queue for Fina, and the bottle of peach brandy for Rikki.

DEAN

(comes to MISS BRITT and points at a tree)

Miss Britt, where is this one from? I donБ─≥t remember it.

MISS BRITT

Oh, thatБ─≥s aБ─i [MISS BRITT tries to remember] Kauri. Hope, IБ─≥m right. One of the oldest coniferous trees in the world. Kiwi brought it from New Zealand.

DEAN

Agathis australis. Never seen a one in my life, itБ─≥s so beautiful.

PATRICIA

(to MISS BRITT)

What do you mean by Б─°one of the oldestБ─²?

DEAN

ItБ─≥s believed to exist in in the

Jurassic period.

MISS BRITT, ALPHARD, DEAN, ERIC and PATRICIA start a discussion in the back. AUSSIE comes closer to the audience.

AUSSIE

to the audience

Well, as you see, Dean can be kinda extraverted when the topic of a convo connects with nature. [AUSSIE sits on a free chair] WeБ─≥ve spent about forty minutes in the garden, talking. I was so involved, that, to my shame, I absolutely forgot about my sister. But it was Fina who reminded.

FINA

(runs in, panting)

Miss Britt! Aussie!

MISS BRITT

(looks confused)

Fina? Whot is it?

FINA

Rikki. SheБ─≥s bad, really bad. Go!

EVERYONE leaves the stage.

END OF SCENE 2

SCENE 3

DINING ROOM IN MISS BRITTБ─≥S HOUSE

RIKKI lies on the floor, barely breathing, her arms twitching.

AUSSIE

(runs to RIKKI and gets on his knees)

Rikki!

MISS BRITT

(runs to RIKKI)

Saints! Anybody, call a doctor! NOW!

ERIC goes to the telephone and tries to get the number.

ALPHARD

(goes to FINA)

Fina, whatБ─≥s Б─≤appened Б─≤ere? Fina!

FINA

I- I donБ─≥t know. I came in here and saw Rikki. She was unconscious.

MISS BRITT

(listens to RIKKIБ─≥s breath)

Where was Dorothy?

FINA

Dorothy? She- She wasnБ─≥t in here.

MISS BRITT

Well go find her!

FINA leaves.

RIKKI

She- she wasnБ─≥t in hereБ─i

AUSSIE

(holding RIKKIБ─≥s hand)

Rikki! Hang on, hang on.

ERIC

Doctor will be here only in twenty minutes.

MISS BRITT

Does it seem like she has these twenty minutes?!

PATRICIA

(pacing)

Was- what are we going to do?

RIKKI

I- I canБ─≥t breathe.

ERIC

(panicking)

What are we gonna do?!

MISS BRITT

RikkiБ─i

ALPHARD

Not anyone in Б─≤ere Б─≤as ever done first aid courses?

PATRICIA

Have you?

ALPHARD

(quietly)

No.

ERIC

We donБ─≥t even know whatБ─≥s happening. Miss Britt, what do we do?

MISS BRITT looks at RIKKI and doesnБ─≥t answer.

DEAN

Very, very strange.

MISS BRITT

WeБ─≥ll wait for the doctor. Until they come, we need to keep Rikki stable.

ALPHARD

She doesnБ─≥t look stable.

MISS BRITT

(raises her voice)

Then we must make her look that way! Or else-

RIKKI

AussieБ─i

AUSSIE

Yes?

RIKKI

PleaseБ─i Promise me to take care of our father andБ─i and of JackБ─i and of KimmiБ─i and of Oz. This is your destiny eventually.

AUSSIE

Rikki? [RIKKI closes her eyes] Rikki, donБ─≥t. Look at me. Rikki. RIKKI! [turns to others] DO SOMETHING!

EVERYONE stands in shock and sadness. FINA runs in.

FINA

I couldnБ─≥t find Do- [pause; FINA looks at others, then at RIKKI] No. RikkiБ─i

AUSSIE

to the audience

This is how it was. [AUSSIE stands up] Suddenly, sharply, swiftly, like a bolt from the blue.

FINA

What happened?

AUSSIE

to the audience

The question we all asked. What happened? And also, how happened? Why happened?

PATRICIA

Is she likeБ─i?

MISS BRITT

(coldly)

Yes. No breath, no pulse.

FINA

(comes to RIKKI)

Saints!

ALPHARD

Fina, what exactly Б─≤ad Б─≤appened before we came?

FINA

I- I know not much more tan you do. I was looking for you, but when IБ─≥d entered de dining room, I only saw Rikki on de floor twitching. DatБ─≥s it.

ALPHARD

(to DEAN)

Why did you say it was very strange?

DEAN

The symptoms were like sheБ─≥d got poisoned.

PATRICIA

Poisoned?

MISS BRITT

(stands up)

Nonsense. Who would do such a terrific thing to our Rikki?!

DEAN

Yer might do it not on purpose.

ERIC

YouБ─≥re saying that you can accidentally poison someone?

AUSSIE

IБ─≥m more interested in why do you think that symptoms like heavy breathing and twitching precisely mean poisoning?

ERIC

Oh, actually, she also mentioned dry mouth before we leftБ─i

MISS BRITT

If right now there is a murderer among my familyБ─i No, I canБ─≥t even think of it. WeБ─≥ll wait for the doctor and for what they say. Until then, no one leaves this house.

AUSSIE

to the audience

So, we started to wait. The doctor did really arrive in twenty minutes.

DOCTOR (DR.) CAMERON comes in and goes to MISS BRITT. MISS BRITT points at the dead body.

DR. CAMERON

I need you to put the body on a table. IБ─≥ll examine it.

AUSSIE

Alphard and Eric helped doctor Cameron to move RikkiБ─≥s body into another room.

DR. CAMERON, ALPHARD, ERIC, RIKKI and MISS BRITT leave the stage.

AUSSIE

We were waiting. Doctor Cameron managed to examine the body and come to the conclusion none of us liked.

Pause. FINA, DEAN, PATRICIA and AUSSIE sit on chairs.

ALPHARD, ERIC and MISS BRITT come back.

MISS BRITT

(to the curtains)

Yes, doctor Cameron, thank you. Yes, weБ─≥ll wait for them to take the body and begin an investigation.

AUSSIE

(stands up)

Investigation? What does it mean?

MISS BRITT

Aussie, dearБ─i I am really sorry. We called the police Б─" it appeared someone had actually poisoned your sister.

AUSSIE and FINA

What?

PATRICIA

It might beБ─i a coincidenceБ─i nein? An accident?

ALPHARD

(sits on the chair)

No.

ERIC

Doctor Cameron said, the concertation of poison in RikkiБ─≥s body was extremely high.

MISS BRITT

We told her about the symptoms. [MISS BRITT sits on the chair] She said that an overdose of atropine had led to this.

Pause.

AUSSIE

Atropine?

ERIC

Yes, a very dangerous toxin, which isБ─i contained in belladonna. [EVERYONE except MISS BRITT looks at DEAN].

DEAN

WhyБ─≥d yer look at me like that? I know what belladonna contains. I plant it on my farm. [Little pause, DEAN looks at EVERYONE] Yer donБ─≥t think I did it, do yer?

MISS BRITT

No, Dean. We are not suspecting anyone in here, weБ─≥re just waiting for police. TheyБ─≥ll be here in an hour.

AUSSIE

Maybe we should suspect someone.

MISS BRITT

Aussie, please, I know that youБ─≥re upsetБ─i

ERIC

HeБ─≥s right. If there is really a murderer among usБ─i

PATRICIA

What if they are not among us? We still didnБ─≥t succeed in finding Dorothy who was supposed to look after Rikki.

MISS BRITT

No matter where Dorothy is, IБ─≥ll take care of her later. All of her stuff, including money and documents, is in her room, and according to Rikki, Dorothy didnБ─≥t show up after weБ─≥d left. Besides, doctor Cameron said that poison had got inside about an hour ago, when we all were here.

ALPHARD

So, no need to blame it on Fina, I guess?

FINA

You wanted to blame me?!

ALPHARD

Well, yes. You were alone with Rikki before we came. Of course, IБ─≥d suspecБ─≥ you.

FINA

She was like a sister to me! Or do you want to blame everyone in tis room?

ALPHARD

If the murderER is in this room Б─" yes. Maybe someБ─≥ow, weБ─≥ll figure out who it is.

FINA

Well, alright, I blame you.

ALPHARD

I blame Eric.

ERIC

(frightened)

Me?! What? Why me?

ALPHARD

ItБ─≥s a relay, mate, just keep iБ─≥ going.

ERIC

(confused)

I- I blame Dean.

DEAN

I blame Patricia.

PATRICIA

Really, Dean? I blame-

MISS BRITT

ENOUGH!

ALPHARD

Or! Maybe itБ─≥s you, Miss Britt. That would be the mosБ─≥ stupid thing to do orБ─i [little pause] the mosБ─≥ genius. No one would suspecБ─≥ the hosБ─≥. Good poinБ─≥, miss Britt.

MISS BRITT

(furiously looks at ALPHARD)

Alphard. [little pause] We are not playing games here. If itБ─≥s true and one of usБ─i is involved in RikkiБ─≥s death, we have to take it seriously. We need evidence. Everyone is innocent until proven guilty.

Little pause.

AUSSIE

Miss Britt. [MISS BRITT looks at AUSSIE] I trust you on this case. YouБ─≥ve had much more experience in things like these than all of us.

MISS BRITT

Thank you, Aussie. I cannot promise, but I want to believe that weБ─≥ll find out who did this. LetБ─≥s start from the very beginning.

ERIC

Belladonna.

PATRICIA

Dean?

DEAN

In my defence, IБ─≥ll remind yer that a month ago someone sneaked in my farm and broke some branches of my trees and berry bushes.

MISS BRITT

Yes, we remember that.

DEAN

How will you react if I tell yer that there were belladonna bushes as well?

FINA

You mean, someone broke branches of belladonna bushes dat time?

DEAN

Exactly.

ERIC

And youБ─≥re telling us this information only now?

AUSSIE

There was no point in telling us it before.

DEAN

Thank you, Aussie. And besides, why would I want to kill that young lady?

FINA

None of us had any reason to do it.

PATRICIA

ThatБ─≥s why this question doesnБ─≥t work.

MISS BRITT

Alright. Now the question is how did the poison get into RikkiБ─≥s body?

ERIC

It was supposed to get through food or a beverage-

AUSSIE

Wine.

PATRICIA

Was about wine?

ERIC

Rikki mentioned it tasted bitter when she drank it for the second time.

MISS BRITT

Bitter?

ERIC and AUSSIE nod.

PATRICIA

Was are you getting at? We all drank this wine und as you can see, we all are still breathing!

ERIC

Not all, but IБ─≥m just stating the fact.

DEAN

(stands up and takes RIKKIБ─≥s glass)

Is it hers?

AUSSIE nods, DEAN sniffs it.

ALPHARD

WhaБ─≥ is it?

DEAN

A too sweet, even rotten smell. ThatБ─≥s belladonna, no doubts. Probably, ground leaves and berries.

FINA

So, one of us did actually add belladonna in RikkiБ─≥s glass?

PATRICIA

That makes more sense than if you start blaming me on getting a bottle of poisoned wine.

MISS BRITT

No oneБ─≥s blaming you, dear Pat.

PATRICIA

Well, Alphard is. I can see it in his eyes.

ALPHARD

IБ─≥m just trying to realise what made you bring a boБ─≥le of non-alcoholic wine.

PATRICIA

I already told all of you, plus [German accent] I admitted that it was a bad idea. Besides, what reasons do I have to unalive Rikki?

ERIC

Pat, youБ─≥re just paraphrasing the question that doesnБ─≥t work here.

PATRICIA

And youБ─≥re acting too insistently, Eric.

ERIC

IБ─≥m just trying to solve the case. Why are you so nervous?

PATRICIA

Well, I donБ─≥t like being blamed for something I never did. Und ц╪brigens, you are not a detective here. Aussie trusted miss Britt on this case, sheБ─≥s in charge.

ERIC

IБ─≥m not trying to be in charge, alright? IБ─≥m just going over all the possible options.

AUSSIE

Eric?

ERIC

Hm?

AUSSIE

Did you like RikkiБ─≥s new car?

ERIC

(smirks)

Why are you asking this?

AUSSIE

Did you like it?

ERIC

WhyБ─≥re you asking this?

EVERYONE keeps silent.

ERIC

(getting angry)

Come on, cut to the chase. Spit it out.

AUSSIE

Eric, IБ─≥m just trying toБ─i

ERIC

I mean, of course, I liked it. ItБ─≥s a new Maloo from Australia in a special colour. Who wouldnБ─≥t like it?

Little pause.

ERIC

DonБ─≥t tell me you think it was me only because I liked RikkiБ─≥s car. Really?

FINA

EricБ─i We know how obsessed you can be sometimes when it comes to carsБ─i

PATRICIA

And we also know that you can be a bit of a liar sometimes.

ERIC

I might fib, but not openly lie.

ALPHARD

You were alone with Rikki outside, when you two were watching her new car.

ERIC

Her wine was poisoned, alright? It has nothing to do with me and her being outside.

Little pause.

ERIC

Are we playing freaking mafia here or what? Am I the first one to get kicked out?

PATRICIA

(raises her eyebrow)

Why are you so nervous?

ERIC

Shut up, Patricia-

MISS BRITT

ENOUGH! [pause] We all are scared and nervous about this whole situation. But letБ─≥s not cross the line.

PATRICIA

If only we could ask Rikki about what might have led to such aftermath.

ALPHARD looks at FINA, FINA catches his look.

FINA

(smirks)

You donБ─≥t believe in tis magic stuff, do you?

ALPHARD

Well, IБ─≥m quite ready to believe in your fairy fings if they are the only possible choice.

MISS BRITT

(to FINA surprisingly)

You want to try it?

FINA

IБ─≥m not sure, butБ─i it might work. Samhain has already passed and the peak has gone but I feel de power of de Oak, it is still on a quite high level.

AUSSIE

What are you talking about?

MISS BRITT

(stands up)

What will you need for it?

FINA

Oak leaves, candles and someting from Rikki: clodes, accessories, doesnБ─≥t macher.

MISS BRITT

Alphard, go. [turns to FINA] WeБ─≥ll prepare a room.

MISS BRITT and ALPHARD leave.

PATRICIA

Prepare a room for what?

ERIC

Fina?

FINA

Oh! Of course, you donБ─≥t know. Well, my great-great-grandmother, who was a sister of miss Britt and AlphardБ─≥s great-grandfather, married a Celt. And de Celtic kinБ─i well, it has its source of power. De Saint Oak.

AUSSIE

The Saint Oak?

FINA

Yes. Samhain is de most important of four Irish, originally Celtic, holidays. It marks de end of de harvest season and de beginning of winter and is celebrated on de 31st of October.

DEAN

Like Halloween?

FINA

Yeah, datБ─≥s because Halloween takes its roots from Samhain.

PATRICIA

What about the source of power?

FINA

Oh. Celts believe dat on Samhain de boundary between life and death becomes blurred, so de Saint Oak and de help of our ancestors make it possible to contact spirits.

AUSSIE

(being shocked)

So, you are able to talk to ghosts?

PATRICIA

Fantastic.

FINA

No! It never worked out for me.

ERIC

Then how do you that itБ─≥s possible?

FINA

My father contacted my uncle after heБ─≥d died, so it is possible.

ERIC

You were there at that moment?

FINA

No, itБ─≥s a very private moment. Only de one who contacts a spirit is in a room.

AUSSIE

How do you know itБ─≥s gonna work out this time?

FINA

DatБ─≥s de ting, I donБ─≥t. I tried to contact my uncle several times on Samhain, butБ─i didnБ─≥t succeed. Besides, tis Samhain has already passed so de chances are much lower.

PATRICIA

(smiles)

Aber still, there are chances. ThatБ─≥s everything we need now to keep believing in the best. [FINA looks at PATRICIA and smiles] Also, if it doesnБ─≥t work out, we wonБ─≥t lose anythingБ─i or anyone.

ERIC

So, how exactly does it work?

DEAN

Some things have no explanation, Eric.

FINA

It requires de power of de kin and physical strength as de process is really exhausting. DatБ─≥s all I can say.

AUSSIE

Incredible.

MISS BRITT returns.

MISS BRITT

The room is ready.

FINA

(sighs)

So, letБ─≥s see if itБ─≥s gonna work out.

EVERYONE leaves the stage.

END OF SCENE 3

SCENE 4

ONE OF BEDROOMS IN MISS BRITTБ─≥S HOUSE

There is a table and two chairs on the stage. There are leaves, candles and RikkiБ─≥s accessories on the table.

FINA comes in and sits on a chair. MISS BRITT and ALPHARD come in.

MISS BRITT

Good luck, Fina. If you need anything, weБ─≥ll be in the dining room.

ALPHARD

Yeah, and if you meet Walburga in the afterlife or wherever, tell her that she can go fБ─i

MISS BRITT

(tugs at ALPHARDБ─≥s sleeve)

Go!

MISS BRITT leaves, ALPHARD turns around to leave.

FINA

(to ALPHARD)

Why are saying dat? You donБ─≥t believe in it anyway.

ALPHARD

(shrugs his shoulders)

I donБ─≥t. But you do, and you are the one whoБ─≥s about to contact a spirit, not me.

ALPHARD smiles and leaves.

The spotlight light is on FINA and the table. FINA lights a candle.

FINA

(sighs)

Ancestors, please help me.

FINA starts mumbling words. RIKKI comes in and sits on the second chair, looking around. FINA opens her eyes.

FINA

(surprisingly)

Rikki!

RIKKI

(smiles)

Fina!

FINA

It workedБ─i Such a weird feeling.

RIKKI

(confused)

How did you do it?

FINA

Long story short, my Celtic roots helped me.

RIKKI

This is so cool! By why did you

decide to do it?

FINA

Rikki, IБ─≥m so sorryБ─i We tink someone poisoned you with belladonna, datБ─≥s why IБ─≥m here-

RIKKI

Bella? Donna?

FINA

Yes, datБ─≥s a plant. Uhm- did you have any arguments or quarrels with anyone of our family dat couldБ─≥ve led toБ─i tis.

RIKKI

(tries to remember)

No, I donБ─≥t think so.

FINA

Anyting weird, Rikki. Not only today, but a mont ago, two monts ago.

RIKKI

(thinks)

Hm- well, something indeed happened two months ago, but it wasnБ─≥t an argument.

FINA

(leans closer)

What is it?

RIKKI

The- [RIKKI suddenly becomes silent] No, nothing. It doesnБ─≥t matter.

FINA

Any detail can macher.

RIKKI looks around.

FINA

No oneБ─≥s here. And no one can hear you, but me.

RIKKI

(leans closer)

Two months agoБ─i

FINA and RIKKI keep speaking silently. AUSSIE comes in, the spotlight light is on him.

AUSSIE

to the audience

FinaБ─≥s trick did really work out which was a surprise for all of us. However, Rikki didnБ─≥t give her the exact name but she gave her some info, the key which would lead to the name.

The spotlight light is on FINA and RIKKI.

FINA

I- ohБ─i Tank you for de information, Rikki. IБ─≥ll check everyting.

RIKKI

Do you think it might be-

FINA

I donБ─≥t know, but I promise Б─" weБ─≥ll find out who did tis to you. And now, I need to go.

FINA wants to blow out the candles.

RIKKI

Fina!

FINA looks at RIKKI.

RIKKI

IБ─≥ll be very glad if you decide to see me again. I really miss you, and Aussie, and miss Britt, and Eric, and Pat, and Alphard, and DeanБ─i [RIKKIБ─≥s voice breaks] and dad, and Jack, and KimmiБ─i

FINA

(smiles sadly)

We miss you too. I promise, IБ─≥ll see you again.

RIKKI

(smiles)

Then, no goodbyes? Until next time?

FINA

(smiles and nods)

Yes. Until next time.

FINA blows out the candles. RIKKI leaves. FINA stands up and walks in the opposite direction.

END OD SCENE 4

SCENE 5

DINING ROOM IN MISS BRITTБ─≥S HOUSE

PATRICIA comes in. PATRICIA sits and pours some water in her glass, takes a sip. MISS BRITT comes in.

MISS BRITT

(nervously)

I told no one to leave this room.

PATRICIA

We all need a little break, donБ─≥t we?

MISS BRITT

Not when there is a murderer among us!

PATRICIA

Alphard is smoking outside, DeanБ─≥s with him. Aussie has just lost his sister, he needs to have some time to himself. EricБ─i ThereБ─≥s too much pressure on him. We all are on pins and needles.

MISS BRITT

What do you suggest?

PATRICIA

Just waiting for the police? We donБ─≥t have the authority to sentence someone.

MISS BRITT

Everything is complicated. [little pause] I should check on Fina. ItБ─≥s been more than fifteen minutes already.

MISS BRITT leaves. PATRICIA takes another sip. ALPHARD, DEAN and AUSSIE come in.

ALPHARD

(to AUSSIE)

This is when Dean and me got thaБ─≥ big trout. Furious fish, I swear.

AUSSIE

You two just never haunted a real shark. It was a total disaster. Still have a scar on my arm.

ALPHARD

Wicked!

PATRICIA

You saw Eric?

ALPHARD

(sits)

No, why?

PATRICIA

JustБ─i a weird feeling.

AUSSIE

(shrugs his shoulders)

HeБ─≥s somewhere here. No one left the house.

ERIC comes in.

ALPHARD

WhereБ─≥ve you been?

ERIC

(not understanding)

Bathroom. Wh-

MISS BRITT

(screams from another room)

FINA!

EVERYONE is shocked.

ALPHARD

Bloody Б─≤ell!

EVERYONE except AUSSIE runs away from the stage.

AUSSIE

to the audience.

Let me get this clear for you. Miss Britt left to check on Fina, but when she entered one of bedrooms, no one was there. So, she kept on looking. As I mentioned before, Rikki had given Fina the key thatБ─≥s why Fina went to Miss Britt's office in an attempt to find it. However, the murderer turned out to be quicker and smarter than expected. They entered the office just when Fina was there, knocked her out and gave her a portion of belladonna. She was twitching and choking when miss Britt found her.

PATRICIA runs in and goes to the telephone.

AUSSIE

Pat called doctor Cameron. We still had time to help Fina. It was a miracle that she survived, as doctor Cameron told us after, that the concertation of atropine in FinaБ─≥s body was even higher than in RikkiБ─≥s.

ALPHARD, DEAN and ERIC come in and sit on chairs.

AUSSIE

In twenty minutes, we all returned in the dining room feeling petrified about what had just happened. Fina was alive, but she was unconscious, so we were not able to get any answers to our questions. Actually, the thing she got left raised much more questions Б─" it was one sheet of paper with a letter Б─°LБ─² on it.

AUSSIE sits on the chair.

MISS BRITT comes in with the sheet of paper in her hand.

MISS BRITT

(coldly)

Б─°LБ─². [MISS BRITT shows the sheet to EVERYONE] ThatБ─≥s the only thing Fina managed to write, the only hint we have. [little pause. MISS BRITT starts screaming] No one will leave this room until the police get here. Do you understand?

ALPHARD

Miss Britt-

MISS BRITT

NO ONE! [pause] This isnБ─≥t a coincidence. Someone wanted to kill Rikki and then Fina. Someone whoБ─≥s in this room right now!

EVERYONE looks at each other nervously.

MISS BRITT

Eric. [ERIC look at MISS BRITT] Where were you when FinaБ─≥s contacting Rikki?

ERIC

Here, and then in the bathroom.

MISS BRITT

There are NO games!

PATRICIA

Miss Britt, donБ─≥t-

ERIC

I am not playing any games. I told you the truth.

MISS BRITT

Someone was in my office when Fina got poisoned, and this someone burnt some of my papers.

ALPHARD

(surprisingly)

WhaБ─≥ papers?

MISS BRITT

Some letters, postcards, bills. And the paper about changing the venue of the Congress on the English language development to Canada instead of the USA.

ERIC

(gets nervous)

No. Listen, I see how it looks like but it wasnБ─≥t me. I didnБ─≥t kill Rikki, I didnБ─≥t try to poison Fina.

MISS BRITT

You wanted this Congress to take place in the United States so much. WerenБ─≥t RikkiБ─≥s death and FinaБ─≥s poisoning just a distraction so you could get rid of this paper?! You wished no oneБ─≥d noticed.

ERIC

No! [little pause] I mean, yes, I wanted this Congress to take place in the US Б─" itБ─≥s such a great chance to attract new people, new minds and new money. But you gave this chance to Laurie and I accepted your choice. I would never sink so low and try toБ─i kill. Stuff and nonsense.

Pause. EVERYONE sits in silent. MISS BRITT has got an idea.

MISS BRITT

IБ─≥ve changed my mind. You all, except Aussie, leave this room. Wait in the garden until I call for you back.

PATRICIA

Was? Why?

MISS BRITT

No questions, just leave. And keep your eyes on each other.

ALPHARD, PATRICIA, DEAN and ERIC not understanding leave the stage.

AUSSIE

(nervously)

What is it?

MISS BRITT goes to a bookshelf and gets a book.

MISS BRITT

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Have you ever contacted a book writer?

AUSSIE

By calling them on the phone?...

MISS BRITT

Well, it works if they are alive. [MISS BRITT catches AUSSIEБ─≥s look]. You see, not everyone knows about this fact but book authors do not really die. I mean, physically, yes, they do, but their souls keep existing in their works. So, you may contact them if itБ─≥s necessary by reading some lines.

AUSSIE

(surprisingly)

Any book author?

MISS BRITT

(nods)

Yes. You just need one of their works.

MISS BRITT shows the book and opens it.

AUSSIE

Who are we gonna contact?

MISS BRITT

The master of the detective genre, of course. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Are you ready?

MISS BRITT starts reading lines. Light jumps. ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE (A.C. DOYLE) comes from the auditorium on stage with a newspaper in his hands, sits on the chair and starts reading.

MISS BRITT and AUSSIE turn around to see if itБ─≥s worked out.

AUSSIE

CrikeyБ─i

MISS BRITT

(smiles and comes closer)

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?

A.C. DOYLE looks at MISS BRITT, then at AUSSIE.

A.C. DOYLE

Yes.

MISS BRITT

Sir, IБ─≥m-

A.C. DOYLE

(nods softly)

Miss Britt Wisbech, the Head of

British English Society. I remember you, we met in 1921 and discussed Б─°The Coming of the FairiesБ─², did we not?

MISS BRITT

(smiles)

ThatБ─≥s right, sir.

A.C. DOYLE

And whoБ─≥s the gentleman?

MISS BRITT

ThatБ─≥s Aussie Wisbech, the son of Arthur Phillip Wisbech and the future Head of Australian English Society.

A.C. DOYLE

(looks at AUSSIE)

Is he?

AUSSIE

(nods)

Yes, sir.

Little pause.

A.C. DOYLE

What made you contact me?

MISS BRITT

Sir, we need your help. My niece, AussieБ─≥s sister, Rikki, was poisoned with belladonna during our family dinnuh. We are at an impasse and donБ─≥t know whot to do.

A.C. DOYLE

Have you asked for help from a medium?

AUSSIE

Pardon, sir?

A.C. DOYLE

A medium, a psychic, a clairvoyant? Please, call him whatever you want.

AUSSIE

Well, in some way we have, butБ─i our Б─°mediumБ─² got poisoned too.

A.C. DOYLE

Hm, very interesting. So, itБ─≥s not a coincidence. [little pause] The butler did it.

MISS BRITT

I donБ─≥t think itБ─≥s possible, sir.

A.C. DOYLE

Whom do you suspect then?

AUSSIE

There is one guyБ─i

MISS BRITT

Б─ibut there is no real evidence against him, just assumptions. And everyoneБ─≥s innocent until proven guilty.

A.C. DOYLE

No, not when itБ─≥s that serious. Do you know what your fault is? You underestimate the murderer. Whoever he is, he is very sly and cautious. So, think otherwise Б─" everyoneБ─≥s guilty until proven innocent.

Little pause.

A.C. DOYLE

And talking about poisoning, especially with belladonna, IБ─≥d recommend you contact another author who knows pretty much about such things.

MISS BRITT

(nods)

Thank you for your help, sir.

A.C. DOYLE

(nods and smiles)

Good luck.

A.C. DOYLE leaves the stage.

AUSSIE

Whom was he talking about?

MISS BRITT looks at AUSSIE surprisingly.

MISS BRITT

YouБ─≥re kidding, right?

AUSSIE

No.

MISS BRITT comes to the bookshelf and takes another book.

MISS BRITT

(opens the book)

Dame Agatha Christie, of course. Almost a half of all her detective novels is connected with poisoning.

MISS BRITT starts reading lines.

Light jumps. AGATHA CHRISTIE comes in and sits on the chair with a piece of paper and a pencil in her hands.

MISS BRITT and AUSSIE turn around.

AUSSIE

CanБ─≥t believe it actually works.

MISS BRITT

Dame Agatha Christie?

AGATHA CHRISTIE looks at MISS BRITT.

AGATHA CHRISTIE

Yes. Oh! Miss Britt Wisbech. Arthur said youБ─≥d contact me.

AUSSIE

You mean, sir Arthur Conan Doyle?

AGATHA CHRISTIE

(nods)

Uh-huh. I am very sorry about this whole situation. One thing Б─" when you write something like this, and another thing Б─" when it actually happens to someone. Belladonna is a very strong poison; do you know where a murderer could get it?

AUSSIE

Yes, maБ─≥am, our friend plants it

on his farm.

MISS BRITT

But someone sneaked in there about a month ago, and broke branches of belladonna bushes.

AUSSIE

According to DeanБ─≥s wordsБ─i

AGATHA CHRISTIE

(to MISS BRITT)

ItБ─≥s hard for you to believe that a member of your family could do anything like this, I see. But the reality may be brutal sometimes and even the closest people may betray.

MISS BRITT

(uncertainly)

Rikki isБ─i Who even could think of killing her? And then of poisoning Fina?

AGATHA CHRISTIE

Fina Б─" your medium friend? [MISS

BRITT and AUSSIE nod] Did she manage to find out anything?

MISS BRITT

All she wrote before losing consciousness is a letter Б─°LБ─².

AGATHA CHRISTIE

A letter?

AUSSIE

Yes, Б─°LБ─². But none of our names starts with an Б─°LБ─².

AGATHA CHRISTIE looks at AUSSIE.

AGATHA CHRISTIE

Hm, interesting. I feel like youБ─≥ve already solved this case but donБ─≥t know about it yet. I deem you should take some things literally and pay more attention to little details. There are plenty of them, believe me.

MISS BRITT

But, maБ─≥am, we donБ─≥t even know where to start.

AGATHA CHRISTIE

YouБ─≥ve already started, my dear. Just keep it going and don't let the love to your family hide the real image of the situation from you. I shall go. Good luck to all of you!

MISS BRITT

Thank you so much, maБ─≥am.

AGATHA CHRISTIE leaves the stage. MISS BRITT puts the book back on the shelf.

AUSSIE

Did you get her point?

MISS BRITT

(uncertainly)

I feel so.

AUSSIE

DidnБ─≥t she remind you of doctor Cameron a bit, physically?

MISS BRITT

(nods)

Yes, actually. ThatБ─≥s weird, but maybe they are distant relatives. [pause] Please, call for everyone back.

AUSSIE leaves and returns with ALPHARD, PATRICIA, DEAN and ERIC. EVERYONE except MISS BRITT sits.

ALPHARD

So, is there anything you want to tell us?

MISS BRITT

Yes. [little pause] From now, everybody in this room is a suspect.

Pause.

PATRICIA

Vielleicht we should stop it already? Just wait for the police and for what they say.

DEAN

(nods)

Not a bad idea.

MISS BRITT

Wait when thereБ─≥s a murderer among us?

ALPHARD

Come on, dear sister, we understand your worry and wish to find out who did it, buБ─≥ really, you canБ─≥t seriously blame everyone. I was only joking about that.

MISS BRITT

Why not?

ALPHARD

AlrighБ─≥, letБ─≥s blame everyone. LetБ─≥s blame me for any reason; blame Aussie because heБ─≥s RikkiБ─≥s brovuh; blame Dean because he plants belladonna; blame Eric because he loves cool cars; blame Pat because she brought the wine; blame you because youБ─≥re the hosБ─≥-

MISS BRITT

(turns away)

We must think rationally.

AUSSIE

to the audience

We all were exhausted because of stress and tension and just wanted this day to end.

PATRICIA

(to ALPHARD)

IБ─≥d blame you, Alphard, just because you can be such a jerk occasionally.

DEAN and ERIC

Agree.

ALPHARD rolls his eyes.

ALPHARD

IБ─≥d blame you, PaБ─≥, just because Rikki said she wouldnБ─≥t write an invitation letter for you.

MISS BRITT

(turns around sharply)

What?

ALPHARD

(looks at MISS BRITT)

Oh, you wasnБ─≥t there when this

conversation happened. PaБ─≥-

PATRICIA

I said, I didnБ─≥t like kangaroos, und spiders, und snakes, und koalasБ─i Rikki got offended und said she wouldnБ─≥t write an invitation letter for me if I decided to visit Australia one day.

MISS BRITT

But why would Rikki write an invitation letter for you? The one whoБ─≥s in charge of the Society is supposed to do it. Now itБ─≥s Arthur and after him itБ─≥s going to be Aussie.

PATRICIA

(shrugs her shoulders)

DonБ─≥t know. Maybe she got jealous of Aussie und imagined like she was in charge.

MISS BRITT realises and leaves swiftly.

ALPHARD

Where- [ALPHARD waves his hand] ThatБ─≥s her Б─≤ouse anyway.

Pause.

PATRICIA

(staring at nothing)

Was are you all thinking about right now?

ERIC

When the police come, it wonБ─≥t be over. ItБ─≥ll be just the beginning of an investigation.

DEAN

One of us has actually murdered Rikki. And tried to murder Fina.

ALPHARD

I wouldnБ─≥ mind some music.

AUSSIE

I wouldnБ─≥t mind something strong

alcoholic.

PATRICIA, ALPHARD, DEAN and ERIC

Agree.

Pause.

AUSSIE

to the audience

Miss Britt was gone for about fifteen minutes. All this time we were just sitting in the dining room, rarely exchanging phrases. But when she came back, that was the moment X.

MISS BRITT comes in slowly being lost and hiding something in her hand. She stops and looks at ALPHARD trying to hold her tears.

ALPHARD

(being worried)

Miss Britt? Are you alrighБ─≥?

AUSSIE

to the audience

That was the moment they truly knew who had murdered poor Rikki. Well, miss Britt knew. Her intelligence and British legacy played a significant role in this investigation and led her to the key. She was ready to announce her surmise. She knew that the murderer was no other thanБ─i

MISS BRITT

(looks coldly at AUSSIE)

Б─iyou, Aussie.

AUSSIE

(smirks and talks to the audience)

Told you, she was too quick-witted. DidnБ─≥t really take it into consideration. My bad, but I wasnБ─≥t going to give up that easily. Not after, what IБ─≥d done.

AUSSIE turns to MISS BRITT.

ALPHARD

(being shocked)

WhaБ─≥? Look, miss Britt, I was kiddinБ─≥ about blaming Aussie, alrighБ─≥?

AUSSIE

(puts his arms out and smiles friendly)

Miss Britt, I understand that we all are tired and scared but please, letБ─≥s not do things we will regret.

MISS BRITT takes a piece of paper and shows it to AUSSIE.

MISS BRITT

You burnt the wrong letter.

AUSSIEБ─≥s smile fades.

PATRICIA

Was is going on in here?

MISS BRITT

YouБ─≥ll tell them or should I?

AUSSIE

I donБ─≥t understand what youБ─≥re talking about.

MISS BRITT

(opens the letter and starts reading)

Б─°Dear Miss Britt, sending you the second letter as I forgot to mention one very important detail in the first one. Aussie asked not to tell you yet, but I feel like you must know. Please, be kind to him and donБ─≥t ask any questions about the December ceremony. I guess you heard about a car accident which had happened two months ago near Melbourne and caused death of two little boys. Aussie was driving his car, being drunk, that day. The case was dropped but I deprived him of the right to become the Head of Australian English Society, despite the fact heБ─≥s my older son. Rikki will take this place instead of him. Also, I wanted to know Б─" as I learnt from some sources, Aussie visited England last month, wasnБ─≥t he staying in your house? Sincerely, your Arthur.Б─²

Pause.

PATRICIA

You hit those boys with your car?

MISS BRITT

ThatБ─≥s why your car is still being repaired. And thatБ─≥s why Arthur will forbid any kind of alcohol on the ceremony. Tell me if IБ─≥m wrong.

AUSSIE looks at MISS BRITT silently.

AUSSIE

ThatБ─≥s true about the accident. I actually did hit those boys.

MISS BRITT

It was you who sneaked in DeanБ─≥s farm, wasnБ─≥t it? Exactly a month ago, when you visited England but none of us knew about it.

DEAN

Is the scar on yer arm really from shark hunting or from my prickly bushes?

AUSSIE

Shark hunting.

DEAN

Oh, sorry then, just thought it could be from the bushes as I have some scars on my hands and legs. [DEAN wants to show his scars]

AUSSIE

Oh, itБ─≥s OK.

DEAN

Yer sure? I just accused you only because of my small guess.

AUSSIE

No, itБ─≥s really OK.

DEAN

Oh, good then.

ALPHARD

Dean?

DEAN

Ah? [little pause] Oh, right.

AUSSIE

(to MISS BRITT)

Is this the whole story youБ─≥ve

made up?

MISS BRITT

Oh, believe me, itБ─≥s just the beginning. You poisoned wine in RikkiБ─≥s glass when we werenБ─≥t paying attention. You made Rikki take her new car from Oz which was quite unnecessary but you knew that Eric would love it, so it would be easier to blame everything on him. You also knew

that Eric wanted the Congress to take place in the USA thatБ─≥s why you burnt the paper in which I confirmed the change of location to Canada. But what you also did Б─" you burnt the letter from your father because no one would notice such a little detail, right? However, you burnt the first letter in which Arthur apologised for being not able to visit our dinner. You got outmanoeuvred by Fina. Her Б─°LБ─² on the sheet of paper stood for Б─°letterБ─². I thought ArthurБ─≥s second letter, she brought today morning, was a usual invitation, so did she, I believe. But after the conversation with Rikki, Fina learnt the truth and decided to hide the evidence. SheБ─≥d hidden it in her pocket quite before you entered my office, punched her and made her drink some water with belladonna in it.

Little pause. EVERYONE tries to process information.

PATRICIA

(whispers)

Scheiн╡e.

AUSSIE

(slowly)

I didnБ─≥t plan to poison Fina, she just got too close.

ERIC

But you wanted to poison your sister?

AUSSIE

I didnБ─≥t have any choice. Power is power and it requires sacrifice. She took my status. That was MY status by law. IБ─≥ve been waiting for over two hundred years to get it.

PATRICIA

This is only your fault that you lost it.

AUSSIE

That was just a mistake.

ALPHARD

A mistake? You killed two innocenБ─≥ children. Then you killed Rikki and tried to kill Fina. This is what you call Б─°no

choiceБ─², seriously?

ERIC

And you tried to blame it on us.

MISS BRITT

And you know what was the worst? You pretended you felt sorry for RikkiБ─≥s death. Lousy trick we fell for.

AUSSIE

Well, I did feel sorry. But as I said, power requires sacrifice. I asked Rikki to act here like I was still the future Head. She didnБ─≥t suspect anything and agreed as she wanted to support me and knew how crushed I was after the accident. I did it for Australia, for my home, as Rikki had no clue in ruling things. I did it for all of us Б─" for our family, to make it great again.

MISS BRITT

Our family is the noble and most ancient house of Wisbech! [with contempt] And youБ─≥ve just disgraced it.

DEAN

What are we gonna do now?

MISS BRITT

(comes to the telephone)

IБ─≥m calling the police.

AUSSIE

(crosses the room and grabs MISS BRITTБ─≥s hand)

No, youБ─≥re not.

ALPHARD

(jumps to his feet)

Hey, put your Б─≤ands away from Б─≤er!

AUSSIE

(takes his hands away)

Alright, relax. See? IБ─≥m not causing any harm.

ERIC

(stands up)

What do you want?

AUSSIE

Just to keep the status of the Head. I have so many ideas and ways to develop Australian English.

MISS BRITT

Australian English will disappear if you become the Head of Society.

AUSSIE

You just donБ─≥t know my ideas. They are horribly beautiful.

MISS BRITT looks out of the window and sees the policemen outside. MISS BRITT cautiously nods at ALPHARD.

ALPHARD

You want to create beauty out of

ugliness?

AUSSIE

Genuineб beautyб is always quite alarming and, ironically, always quite ugly.

MISS BRITT nods at ERIC, PATRICIA and DEAN and starts stepping back carefully.

ALPHARD

Is it?

AUSSIE

Yes, and-

POLICE OFFICER runs in.

POLICE OFFICER

Armedб police, stay where you are!б

ALPHARD

(points at AUSSIE)

ThatБ─≥s Б─≤im, officer! HeБ─≥s the murderer. He confessed it, we all heard.

POLICE OFFICER grabs AUSSIE.

POLICE OFFICER

Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney during interrogation; if you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you.

AUSSIE

(smirks)

You know, Alphard, we are not that different. We have pretty much in common.

ALPHARD

(coldly)

No, we donБ─≥t. I have my family, youБ─≥ve just lost yours.

AUSSIE

to the audience

I didnБ─≥t lie though, this story appeared to be very traumatic for me.

POLICE OFFICER takes AUSSIE away, then returns alone.

POLICE OFFICER

(comes to MISS BRITT)

Is this your house, maБ─≥am?

MISS BRITT

Yes.

POLICE OFFICER

We need to ask you some questions. [POLICE OFFICER turns to EVERYONE] All of you. Inspector Hide is waiting outside.

MISS BRITT

Of course, weБ─≥ll be there in one minute.

POLICE OFFICER nods and leaves.

PATRICIA

Was zum Teufel war das?...

ERIC

I feel like no one has any explanation.

ALPHARD

(comes to MISS BRITT)

You alrighБ─≥?

MISS BRITT

Yes. [MISS BRITT turns to ERIC] Eric, I apologise for blaming all this on you. It mustБ─≥ve been such a stress to you.

ERIC

(smiles)

Thanks, miss Britt. To be honest, deep inside I started blaming myself too even though I knew I was innocent.

MISS BRITT

(smiles sadly)

We have to go downstairs. I think we need some days or months to process whatБ─≥s just happened.

DEAN

Or years.

ALPHARD, PATRICIA, DEAN, ERIC and MISS BRITT leave the stage. MISS BRITT returns in some seconds.

MISS BRITT

to the audience

You didn't think this story would end like this, did you? Well, it will end, doubtlessly, but let me tell you what happened next. Aussie was sentenced to imprisonment for the remainder of his life. Arthur Phillip Wisbech was terribly frustrated after he was told at first about Rikki and then about Aussie. It was decided that he kept being the Head of Australian English Society, as long as it took. Talking about Fina, she got better and the first thing she did after waking up Б─" she told us about Aussie. We assured her that the danger had left behind. Oh, and Dorothy Б─" police officers found her locked in a closet. Aussie did it, so she couldnБ─≥t help Rikki or call for any of us. But she was alright, frightened, but alright. We all returned to our Б─°normalБ─² life, as normal as it could be. Laurie asked Eric for help with the organisation of the Congress. Pat implemented reforms connected with English in Germany. Alphard and Dean-

ALPHARD

out of the curtains

Miss Britt! Where are you? Dean wants to show us the classic West-Country film.

FINA

out of the curtains

I want to believe dat one day, weБ─≥ll watch Harry Potter all together. Hagrid speaks West-Country English, you know?

DEAN

out of the curtains

WeБ─≥ll watch it but after this film about cops.

MISS BRITT

to the audience

I guess, I need to go. [little pause] What lesson can I learn from all this situation? [MISS BRITT smirks] Tough question. WellБ─i the burnt roast beef definitely wasnБ─≥t the worst part of it. [MISS BRITT turns to the curtains] Coming!

MISS BRITT smiles to the audience and leaves.

THE END